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Original poster

Emigrating to Aussie with 2 children & my new partner - leaving their dad behind!

135 replies

SarahLuna · 29/04/2019 14:52

Hi All, We live in the UK & have the opportunity to emigrate to Aussie - this however would mean taking my two sons who are 13 & 9 away from their father whom I divorced 8 years ago! My heart and head are in turmoil and I thought I would reach out to see if anyone had had a similar experience? My boys see their father every 2 wks for 2 nights, he is not in their lives any other times and doesn't take a very active role in parenting. We do not see eye to eye - so I know that telling him of our plans to move away will not go well. My thoughts are that I want so badly to give my children the best opportunity in life and a better quality of life than they have in the UK - BUT can I do this to their father? Can I take them away from him? and his extended family? All to fulfill my & my new partner's dream of living in Aus :(

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 15:31

How new is the "new partner"?

How long has it been your dream?

How secure are you in this new life? Is the opportunity to go there based on your work/skills or your partner's?

dottiedodah · 29/04/2019 15:34

You need to look very carefully as to whether you need permission from the courts in order to do this.Even if you are permitted to go I would consider carefully the effect this may have on them TBH.Once a fortnight (or every other w/e)is a lot more than nothing!.Also consider his wider family G/Ps Aunties/Uncles etc .If they go and arent happy it will have a big impact on yourself and your partner.They may resent you in the future .You need to talk about it and discuss with children and your ex.

Stiffasaboard · 29/04/2019 15:36

I think it’s a crappy thing to do to the kids.

It is such a long way that you know you are essentially severing a relationship with him and his side of the family.

Also beat in mind when they get a bit older (not that many years) they may choose to return to live or study in the UK and it will be you who is the other side of the world from your children/grandchildren.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2019 15:36

As for changing schools, I went to 8 schools in 3 different countries and have suffered no lasting damage

I did similar and liked it. My DBro didn't, my DM did and it has done lasting damage. You can't generalize.

Girlofgold · 29/04/2019 15:40

I'm sorry to say I think it's a crappy thing to do to the children and their dad. He matters to them, more than sunshine and beaches. A real shame for you though and yes probably a missed opportunity for them. Would you go when they're grown up?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/04/2019 15:42

I think it would be cruel to effectively sever a 9 year old's relationship with their father, even if he's not much use.

MaybeDoctor · 29/04/2019 15:47

Honestly, do not do this. These decisions can have huge repercussions that are still having an effect decades later. I have seen this in my own family (with a smaller move of 300 miles) and in my best friend's family (a move to the other side of the world).

In the next 5-10 years there is a high chance that one or both of them may decide that they want to come back to live in England. It is unlikely that you would be able to prevent this.

If you are desperate to live in Australia, wait a decade until your boys are grown up.

ArnoldBee · 29/04/2019 15:53

Ok put it another way how are you going to feel about moving to Oz whilst they live with their father?
What are you going to do to maintain the father/son relationship? How many flights per year are you going to pay for?
Have you ever been to Oz as it's very different from how you see it on the TV?

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 15:59

i really want to know how long you've been with the'new' partner and is this an idea that came up since you got together ?
do either of you have the required trades australia wants ? and more importantly what happens if this relationship breaks up ?

Gingerivy · 29/04/2019 16:13

You're aware that contact with their dad is not for their dad's benefit, but for their benefit, right? To keep that relationship strong?

I moved to London about 3 yrs ago, from another part of England. My dcs' dad is still in the area we used to live, as we were separated (now divorced). Long before I moved (well over 6 months), I sat down with my ex and discussed all the pros and cons with him and asked him if he was alright with it. For our situation, the move was to benefit our dcs, and ex was in agreement that it was workable.

As an American, I could have moved with the dcs to the US (and have an open opportunity to do so), but my dcs would have been very upset at being that far away from their dad, and it would have made visits impossible for him. So it's out of the question.

I'll be honest and point out that ex and I have not had the greatest relationship after we separated, but we've finally come out the other side (we've been separated/divorced for 7 yrs now) and we can work together for what's best for our dcs - even if sometimes we drive each other nuts. I work with him on stuff because it's what is best for our dcs.

If you know your ex will not be happy with this, you might want to think about that. Look at your pros and cons - who are they for?

Hollowvictory · 29/04/2019 16:15

You're very premature in telling the kids before your ex has given permission. He may not do so.

Tippexy · 29/04/2019 16:16

Why would you commit to uprooting your boys and moving o the other side of the world for a man who won't commit to marry you?

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 16:18

what does op think on these answers, assuming she's coming back ?

stucknoue · 29/04/2019 16:24

The older dc is of an age he can tell the court he wants to emigrate but the younger is not legally so you will need ex's agreement. It seems very mean to him and you are putting your happiness above their relationship with their father, on a whim that may or may not work out

juneau · 29/04/2019 16:26

EOW is still pretty standard access for a lot of families. I was a DC with this level of access with my dad as I was growing up and it was just enough to maintain contact that has burgeoned since I turned into an adult. Please don't deprive your DC of their dad, just because you and he don't see eye-to-eye and you and your new DP have got stars in your eyes. It's not fair and will quite possibly ruin their relationship forever.

Besdies, you're going to need his permission to move his DC to the far side of the world, so if you're serious you'd better sound him out, because if he says 'No way' then he can stop you via a court order. There is no point getting all excited and giddy until you've spoken to him. In fact, I'd assume that he's going to say no, so prepare yourselves for that.

FreshAprilStart · 29/04/2019 16:27

Shouldn't be discussing with one child before the father even knows. Sets them up for grief now no matter what.

I wouldn't take children away from their dad. No.

Surfskatefamily · 29/04/2019 16:32

Im sorry but you want to take your kids away from their father?!
How would you feel if he took them for a new life in canada with a new wife?

notapizzaeater · 29/04/2019 16:32

Have you got the money to pay for trips back home every year ?

juneau · 29/04/2019 16:33

How would you feel if he took them for a new life in canada with a new wife?

And this^. If you're struggling to know how he might feel about your little plan, imagine he was doing this to you!

ThomasRichard · 29/04/2019 16:43

No, this is not a reasonable thing to do. I’m in a similar situation: 2 DC, exh lives at the other end of the country but maintains eow contact. I would love to move to another EU country and could easily do so with my field of work, as could my DP, but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do for my DC. There are frequent, cheap, direct flights to exh’s home city but still, no. They have a right to a relationship with their father and as the other country has school on a Saturday, I’d be depriving them of that relationship. Moving to the other side of the world would be out of the question. It’s not fair or remotely necessary.

ArfArfBarf · 29/04/2019 16:52

Totally unreasonable, I can’t believe you are even considering it.

Coconutsandcobbles · 29/04/2019 17:00

Not fair on the children.

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 17:22

op knows deep down she's being vvvu, it is incredibly selfish of her to even consider this.

AfterTrentham · 29/04/2019 17:46

OP, you'll need the permission of the father or a court order. Given that dad has a decent amount of regular contact (2 nights in 14 is a pretty standard arrangement) I'd be astonished if you got either. And there's no way you should have told your eldest child before getting Dad's consent. You're setting Dad up to be the bad guy. A court might view that as parental alienation.

JaneEyre07 · 29/04/2019 17:49

Is this a genuine opportunity OP or does your new partner see this as an opportunity to remove your past from the equation?