Do you have problems? I can solve them all.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Hello, I'm Thigh. I will work with you to help you achieve the perfect balance in life. I am unfettered by knowledge or training as are my on call team of kindly agony aunts. We're ready to heal you.

I’m incredibly short and so I am jolly cross at everyone about that.

I’d like to murder my Mum’s neighbour who told me I really should have a second child because it’s not fair on DS to only have one. I would like to beat her to death with my barren womb. And also a man I don’t even know, who said the same thing to me. Cunts.

One man at work who said I had fat ankles (1996), and a boy at school who said I had a fat neck (1992).

I’m right murdery.

Helloo Caroline

Make a list of bastards and I'll kill them with hard fruit!!

Reg I'm coming over with a sharon fruit! Be ready to rumble!

People say you should forgive and forget. Let's not, let's just drag out every minor grievance and air it. In 1986 I was going out with a soldier called Ceri. He dumped me for "for his career" - what??? He was a fucking soldier.

Unless anyone has a particular objection I'd like to murder everyone called Ian or Dawn.

Caroline and Reg! How lovely!

I have long legs and I do try to avoid quicksand so you may have point, Thigh. My velocity is generally quite low though.

Let’s add to the list anyone who annoyed me with their stupid questions and opinions when I was a on residents committee. It will free up quite a lot of housing in a lovely location. I’ll turn one of them into a chip shop and rent the others out, then I won’t need to work.

I am a short legged breed too, my body is fairly long though which means I seem to be of normal height.

All these seem like perfect targets! I think a butternut squash would be a good hard one that would do a lot of damage. I also like the idea of beating someone round the face with a cucumber.

I could definitely do that to the mums neighbour, wanker!!

Ian and Dawn ! Yes !

I have an annoying Ian down the road, I'll start with him!

Perhaps we can spare my friend Dawn, she’s quite Thigh and refuses to contemplate giving up smoking because she enjoys it, which I admire, even as a non-smoker.

Yes this she seems acceptable.
I don't think I know any Dawns.

The Sharon fruit had better be unripe.

A butternut squash would be brilliant. Probably their brains will come out.

There was a hairdresser in 1987 who bleached my hair and made it fucking melt and fall out. Then charged me, her name was Emma. She can go, bastard.

And their teeth if we bash them in with it this

TL as an unrepentant smoker your Dawn is safe, she's killing herself and paying taxes at the same time. Laudable.

In 1993 my boyfriend at the time got off with someone on New Year's Eve And I chucked him. Get him.

I like butternut squash so will happily eat the murder weapons. We're set on all Ians being eliminated though are we?

wax yes, we'll kill him. In 2002 I went out with a bloke called Jon who dumped me because he wasn't "over his ex-wife" he fucking was, and why didn't he remember this before I shagged him?

All Ian's I say. I know one who is sort of kind in a way but I don't mind if he goes because he did once say I drink too much and rolled his eyes when I was making a tit of myself.

In 1984 when I was giving Paul from the remedial hand shandies on the school allotments I tried to coerce him into being my boyfriend. He said only in private. It's time he paid for that.

was he said you drink too much? That's ridiculous, who cares, it's your liver and we have spares.

Don't forget the poncy versions with an extra i .

^^ wax and remedial class obvs.

Just remembered ! There was a Dawn at Brownies, leave her.

Thigh that fuckin Paul deserves an ambush of garlic bulbs!

Dave in 1989, he took the piss out of me for not wanting his filthy fingers up my fanny hole. He told all his friends!

Malcolm but you can't blame someone for their parents' poor judgement.