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Original poster

Do you have problems? I can solve them all.

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 26/04/2019 21:26

Hello, I'm Thigh. I will work with you to help you achieve the perfect balance in life. I am unfettered by knowledge or training as are my on call team of kindly agony aunts. We're ready to heal you.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
27
thislido · 10/05/2019 10:05

I like the beach. Look at all that space for burials. Easy digging, too.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 10/05/2019 10:08

Lad good to see you, don't leave again we'll find you.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 10/05/2019 10:10

I have to drive back to London on Tuesday, i don't want to. I like the country, there's no people.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 10/05/2019 11:14

Refuse to leave on religious grounds thigh! Stand your ground. Tell Margaret that the lord hath spoken and needs you in Wales and therefore that makes the cottage your home!

She might be afraid of the lightening bolt and just give it to you!

She will at least be discombobulated enough to consider it. If she says no, there's always the beach to dispose of her safely!

Nowaypast · 10/05/2019 12:02

Or the hot tub. There'd be a delicious irony in Margaret drowning in her not-so ph balanced hot tub.

Slanket's (deliberate grammatical error) Sluts Solutions?

Nowaypast · 10/05/2019 12:13

Where's Pooter these days?

Project you have to make lots of strong smelling coffee, lay your table and keep it laid permanently, and have an artful arrangement of fruit somewhere. Or a trug with some dirty potatoes you've just dug up from your organic veg garden.

Actually it might be worth investing in some fake food (early learning centre used to have a nice selection) then you can have food on the plates on your permanently laid table.

Nowaypast · 10/05/2019 12:17

And you could change the food depending on what time of day the viewings are. Breakfast time viewings = plastic bacon and eggs, lunchtime = monster munch, dinner time = mini rolls and gin (although you might want to tweak the dinner arrangements to your own taste).

DanglyTassles · 10/05/2019 12:32

Yes follow all Noway's stirling advice and if you really wan to sell the dream, have champagne flutes dotted around charged with Tesco Cava but put an old empty champagne bottle from your wedding or some shizz near the flutes (give it a wipe on your jumper first though, it's got to look new!)

DanglyTassles · 10/05/2019 12:36

Project because we are helping you sell your house so you can give up work, will you help us do our work for us once you are happily retired?

Like say, you do a day as me, then a day as No and then ... etc etc until we all had a day off! We all appear the same because of our facial tattoes and we all do fuck all of any use except naked so it shouldn't be a problem! It can't be any harder than being Theresa May anyway!

Nowaypast · 10/05/2019 12:56

I wonder if Theresa May would like to become a thister? We could give her some useful tips on annihilating people. But we'd have to deprogramme her intensively before we allow her residency, and she'd need to comply with our list of targets. Who would mostly be her cabinet. (Well, mine would be. Plus the woman who told me in 1979 that I had short legs).

Excellent suggestion Dangly re employing Project once a week!

DanglyTassles · 10/05/2019 13:32

Project will enjoy it in her early retirement No won't she, something to do with a bit of variety involved! I'm sure she will.

Project we will pay in Monster Munch, shall I draw up a contract?

No we must hunt down the woman who issued the insult to your leg length in '79. We don't need the illuminati to terminate her, we are the illuminati ! Where will we find her? Do you have her on facebook?

Nowaypast · 10/05/2019 14:53

Project will love it - in fact, we will be doing her a big favour.

I don't have rude, life-changing, confidence-sapping woman on Facebook but I'd remember her if I saw her . Last seen in a jeans shop in Swansea.

Nowaypast · 10/05/2019 14:54

Ooh maybe thigh could take a trip to Swansea being as she's in Wales and have a look round for her.

waxahatchee · 10/05/2019 14:59

We could just starting killing people who have wronged us and this would bring in new blood too! Everyone wants rid of these people.
I've got a couple.

  1. Woman who nicked the car parking space I was about to park in this morning.
  2. Some girl who punched me in a shopping centre 30 years ago.
waxahatchee · 10/05/2019 15:00

I'm happy to pop over to Swansea in the tractor to find that woman no

waxahatchee · 10/05/2019 15:01

If killin seems harsh I can just lob broccoli at her or jelly or whatever you like really

DanglyTassles · 10/05/2019 15:14

Yes why don't we throw food at people but hard food that kills them! nobody will know it's murder, you can just pretend it was by accident, like a tick or something.

I would like to add my most hated ex to the hit list but fortunately he died. My next most hated ex moved abroad.

Oh but there was the school secretary in 1996 who looked down her nose at me because my son had conjunctivitis and the doctor said he could go in as long as he was under treatment, well she demanded he be taken back home in a superior voice that made me go like this! Hmm

But instead of terminating her I just took him home! Always regretted that so can we do her please?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 10/05/2019 15:14

Yes, let's murder every single person who has ever, ever wronged us. I'm not just talking ex-husbands/boyfriends etc. No, every person who has given us a bad haircut then sniggered or anyone who has given us a bit of side eye in the bra shop. I think a bloke looked at me a bit funny today when I drove the wrong way around a car park.

PLUS I said to the woman who served me chips in a fish n chip shop (yay) "what do you think I should get for the dogs?" she said "I don't know what your dogs like".

I KNOW THAT YOU FUCKING CUNT - I was making conversation. We decided on a sausage.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 10/05/2019 15:15

I will throw an apple at her thigh. That'll learn her!

DanglyTassles · 10/05/2019 15:17

Also a delivery man delivered my parcel in the hail today and said 'Nice weather innit'

I don't want that to happen again!

thislido · 10/05/2019 15:19

Id like to add to the list any poster I've ever given nice advice to who then hasn't bothered returning to the thread.

CarolinePooter · 10/05/2019 15:38

Sorry for being away! RL stuff intervened.

I think murdering bad people would be lovely. I am pissed off with the universe at the moment, too many bastards spared and too many lovely people dying.

I also have a petite inside leg measurement and have added that to my list of grievances.

CarolinePooter · 10/05/2019 15:48

lido how true. Are people genuine in their problems, or just selfish and rude? Although the best one I saw involved a woman who wanted to send her son to a prep school to be sure of a cooked meal. She dreaded making a packed lunch, but nobody suggested Monster Munch. I left the thread in boredom but I did wonder if it was a massive wind-up.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 10/05/2019 15:52

I also have short legs - I thought being low to the ground was meant to be a good thing. Imagine if you were in quicksand and you were long and thin - well you'd sink immediately. Being short and wide gives you more chance of being rescued - probs something to do with mass surface area and density and velocity. I wouldn't know - but I know a woman who would!

OP posts:
CarolinePooter · 10/05/2019 15:55

thigh we could invade supermarkets and machine gun the top shelves.