I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

pooter - what dedication to the cause!

These are fab, Caroline you're a lyrical genius! We all are! Is the plural of 'genius' 'genii' ??

We are genii !

Blimey!!

ma but this is excellent news!

It means you can spend the rest of your days eating and relaxing in your slanket with an extended time-frame built in before you die of the inevitable heart attack we've all got coming to us!

Your face will smooth out with all the fat and relaxation and you'll be beautiful again like us!

Yes ma you are allowed "improvement" if there is zero effort involved.

When thisters meet
Upon the street
They show their thighs
And avert their eyes.

Then hightail it away
To spend their day
At a monster munch banquet
Wearing a slanket.

Their homes are protected
And visitors ejected
Why, you say?
They prefer it that way.

They grow long pubes
And keep organs in tubes
They cause offence
And spout nonsense.

They crave absolute power
And avoid the shower
No need to wash
It’s utter tosh.

When the sun comes out
They roll about
It’s a joy to see
But mind the wee.

You are all most wonderous, thank you indeed, though possibly the actuality of going slanket clad but sans knickers to walk the dogs would, I fear, be a tad risky. DH says that if I do then can he LTB, especially worrying if my thighs are doing any sort of dancing - I have visions of the slanket being inadvertently whirled off into the far distance leaving me not only bereft but behind as well...

Am off to read the rest of the most marvellous advice as I'm sure that whilst 99.9999% won't apply to me, I'll follow the advice anyway just because I can. Or because I want to. Or because I'm just that way inclined.

And while I'm at it - should I go to A&E?

I was being a lazy arse, trying to buttock clench the slankie in place whilst leaning of the breast bar of m'wee horse box to reach a bag of Useful Stuff! that I thought was in a carboard box (and therefore hidden from any useful view, and not in a horsebox as easy as you like to be viewed) and therefore, by rights and the good advice received on here, should've been on its way to the local charity shop but by happy chance (and because I am indeed a lazy arse and hadn't got that far) was still to hand and would be Most Useful! in stopping the 'raptors eating stuff next to their crates, or weeing on stuff next to their crates (or quite possbily both at the same time), and if only I'd opened the wee door instead and reached through I wouldn't have crunched all my not-inconsiderable-weight down onto my right chesticle ribs, thereby causing such pain and a strangled scream as things went black around the edges and being upright became a non-optional extra as only a lazy idiot slankie knickerless idiot would do.

Admittedly, since then I've done the waning lady on the sofa thing, but found that to be a bore and, fortified by a can of Coke and some decent painkillers, was out the door and off up the road looking at Interesting Places!, including stopping for tea and cake at a rather sweet roadside coffeeshoppee, but still, on the grounds that leaning forward to pick stuff up hurts like something that isn't legal in half a dozen countries, should I go to A&E; or, should I continue to lie under my slankie and demand tea with menaces from my poor ol'DH who must surely be wondering what he married?

Caroline she can actually embrace reverse improvement now and last longer on this mortal coil! 😊

this that is just lovely! My soul sailed away to another place then! This is why I fell in love with you that time! (also I did think you were pineapple)

MrsM I will need a few minutes to read and digest your last post!

I think it might be written in a language I only half speak! I'm from up NW y'see! But bear with ...

Thanks Dangly!

Raptors you say Mozart? And a horse box?

Ok two questions? Have you hurt yourself from not following our advice to the letter?

To the second part my answer is 'YES of COURSE you should!' Who cares what our DHs think! We are TIRED and HUNGRY!! They don't care until we make the see sense!! Try swinging a machete around his head!

Dangly have at it lass. I'm from the NE or the middle-ish, but have moved around a lot. I fear it shows in my prose...

thislido aye lass. 'Raptors. Horsebox. Doesn't everyone move their 'raptors around in a horsebox..? Of course, not everyone will know that the 'raptors are the Rottweilers and the horse box is, well, it's a horsebox (and I can't think of anything witty to follow - there is obviously a distinct lack of tea in these 'ere veins).

Dangly on the grounds that I've no idea exactly with the instructions were, then quite possibly. TIRED and HUNRGY, and in my particular case as of this afternoon, OUCHY! but on the equal grounds that I can't be arsed (sans knickers or not, covered by a slankie or not) to get off m'bed and go to A&E, therefore I shall continue to both ignore and follow your good advice and continue to lie here doing bog all, other than confusing my fellow MN'ers and my poor ol'DH.

Genius! I particularly love my one, thanks Caroline

lido that is a joyous ode! I feel as if Spring is finally here!

MrsM have you put butter on your hurty bits? Preferably applied internally on a scone, perhaps this has been done.

I think you are wise to recline in your slanket, they do need a bit of running-in (as opposed to running in).

Take things easy, those boxes can wait. Try not to think about all the old people who will suffer because they have no stock for their charity shop.

If you're not careful someone will write you a poem, so mind your p's and q's for a bit.

MrsM that is all fine! I think the takeaway from your last post is that yes you DO need, nay DESERVE a lie down!

The instructions are:

Lie down
No guests
Nobody is too fat or too thin.
Nobody gets told off

So yes you need to rest, lie down and tell Mr M that I will ambush him with my machete (which was gifted to me on thread 2 by our beloved @IAmDanish

Is that how you spell IAmDanish???

Shit sorry! It's @Iamdanish !!

So sorry danish I posted in haste at MrsM's plight and had no time to travel back in time and declare 'Great Scott' etc!

Caroline I tried the butter, but a 'raptor licked it off, which as he has a mighty big gob was a little worrying in more ways than I could list. I'm liking trying it on the inside, spread, as you suggest, on a scone. Or on toast. With lime marmalade. On the grounds that there is little chance (and indeed there has rarely been any chance) of me running anywhat in the next ever few days, I shall heed your sage words and continue to run-in my slankie from the inclined position.

A poem you say. Would that make me like famous or something? Can one be famous from the prone position or does one have to rise to the occassion and bow and things?

And as for the old people who are bereft the Boxes of Stuff! they are welcome to come and drag the blasted things away. I speak as someone who just did the most ridiculous and ouchy contortionist act to get into, and indeed out of, the bathroom. Grrr. I swear the blasted boxes are multipyling!

Dangly thank you for your kind clarification. I feel all those are things I can just about manage, though apparently reaching across one's stomach to pick up a packet of crisps (purely medicinal you understand) is not a good idea. Ouch. Twice. With bells on.

Thank you also for your machete weilding skills and service offerings. I told DH. I'm not that I can spell his response. But as he brought me the aforementioned crisps and some teatime, I'm not sure I can let you loose on him at this time. Then again, putting it all on the wrong side of me and thereby causing me severe Ouch! could, I feel, be seen as justifiable defence in a court of law.

A side issue. Does anybody else get confused by knobs?

dramatic pause

I mean on the electric hob. I look at the little drawing that says which ring does what, think I've used the correct one, and quite often return to find one stone cold pan opposite a blazing hot ring which is warming the planet. Fuckboy has made diagrams for me and all sorts, in felt tip next to the knobs.

I think I just need a sensible cooker. Or I could get a job at the factory, testing hobs for stupid people.

OR I have a haunted hob!!!

Ok MrsM I promise not to come round to scare MrM unless you need such assistance of course, but it would appear that you are a thister if Thighland now that you have posted more than once so should you need me, I will be there!! If i am not too busy snacking or napping within the bosom of my slanket!

Caroline make absolutely sure to install a gas job to avoid said confusion!

• Gas job what's s gas job?? Anybody?

• HOB of course fucking HOB

I have a new problem, how can I pretend that I miss my adult children contacting me and visiting when I am in fact basking in solitude?