I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

Plus , how can I do this whilst also ensuring that they deliver snacks every couple of weeks, clean out the cat litter and then fuck off again?

MyIdent I have this art down to a tee!!

You must act welcoming towards them and tearful and kinda desperate when they leave.

They will find you most unattractive to visit after that due to the guilt trip so 'feet up' and enjoy!

Ah now, problem two is difficult, considering problem one!

So I reckon continue the guilt trip but add "If only" to your parting script! "If only someone would just ... I'd be happy again!"

There you go, and then you lie down and snigger!

“Ooh Childers I’ve missed you so much why don’t you come more often?

Please leave snacks by the sofa within arms reach and make sure you wash your hands after cat litter”

Like that?

Dangly much apprech, thankies.

Caroline knobs of all kind should be treated in the same manner - gently, as though coaxing a scared wee crittur into the light, or, dependent on one's mood and the reason for said mood, twisted like a banshee on ice-skates. As for lining up which is what, go with the reverse psychology approach and aim to turn on the one you're not aiming to use. If you do it with ninja-like cunning and speed, you can have the pan on the right ring before the hob has chance to switcheroo.

We used to play 'Guess the Ring!' after a rather zealous cleaner cleaned all the markings off our hob. Made for interesting meals.

MyIdent well Dangly has it there for you. Brilliant.

And that above sentence goes in the box of sentences I never expected to be saying..., it joins such gems as "Don't eat your brother's head!", "Don't wee on your brother!", etc. etc. etc.

Dangly I am sniggering in a rather dastardly way in anticipation. But I need a way to entice them soon as I am running low on grub

Caroline you could try leaving all rings on permanently

dangly ! I have been trying to craft a delicately worded reply to crisis, without using the phrase "guilt trip". You have expressed it perfectly!

MrsM , thank you, Ninja cooking it is!

crisis it sometimes ends up like that!

It saves spending energy checking or worrying - job done!

Hmmmmm??

pooter I also have hoblexia. It's a dangerous and frustrating affliction.

Some very talented thoets here I must say.

Oooops, last repsonse was intended to someone on fb via PM so please ignore (if you want to or challenge be ok too!)

Hello Summer !

Hi DT get your bungee line out....
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/3557176-Bitten-by-lion-GP

It's sure to be a fun thread Hmmmmmm??

Ooh, Dangly, what's going down on your fb? It sounds like you are somewhat disbelieving. Are you in discussions for who should attend the imminent royal birth?

Summer I just went there! :-D

Dog nothing much, me an' me mate are jus' like 'hmmmm?' and 'Wassup?' the whole time like 'jus hangin' wid me bitchez'.

Ok that's a total lie, we are just menopausal old bags who speak normal but that was a one-off.

"woz a one-off k?"

DT, did you accidentally lean on your keyboard, you just typed some gibberish starting with the word 'Dog'.

Good work DT! 'Sup dorg. It's turned out a bit boring in that it's a baby lion and not made up.

I just visited that thread with the lion and i nearly posted a typical thighland response, before realising where i was and creeping back here, where it's all safe, and warm and piss-stained.

Dog yes how did you know?

I have a problem! DD2 has her best friend to sleep over this evening. Pretty soon I am going to need to read them the 'you can stay up, but if you make noise in the night I will kiiiiiiiill you' riot act (I have known sleepover child since he was a baby, so he will understand that I mean it nicely).

However, I have a margarita just here, the laptop and DC4 asleep on my knee. I should probably also make some effort towards tea for DP and I as he is due home soon...

And absolutely no riding it round council estates.

purple I would just walk in holding your best knife, say nothing, wave it around a bit, do the thister greeting (inner thighs out, crouch, side eye, no smile) leave room.