I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

Woooo hoooo!

Thank you!! I have never won anything in my life!

And yes that is reference to the old masturbation euphemism, the old 'Hand Shandy'.

I put my success down to thigh"s excellent training course which I undertook a crash course of this morning so will share the sex worker bars with her.

She subverted good people
And ruined their lives
To feel like less of a hag.

Lovely auto-biography there thigh

I was being subtle! It's an allegory, i expect literary critics to puzzle over its hidden meaning.

There once was a slapper from Leigh *
Who got smeared with a nice bit of brie
She liked it so much
She turned herself butch
And then was referred to as 'he'

• I'm not really from Leigh - artistic licence, and falls within a 30 mile radius of place of birth so counts. All the rest is true!

There is an old siren called Pooter
She's on a mobility scooter
But back in the day she turned the Queen gay
And took Winston's cigar up her hooter

There was a child-catcher called this
Who in her slanket did piss,
She put out the fire and the smell was so dire
The cat was beginning to hiss

There once was a goer called Thigh
Whose motto was "never say die"
She gathered her Thisters
Despite the resisters
And now we're all constantly high

There once was a mother of foxes
Who kicked them all out and changed lockses
They make such a din
When they forage for gin
That their parent noway just throws rockses

A fat slag lolled under a slanket
Of snax foods she had her a banquet
Her DH came callin’
But instead of b***
She told him to F off and wank it.

There once was a stripper called dangle
Who never could find the right angle
She hoped to look twirly
But her moves were too girly
And her tassels became just a tangle

We all stole each others nickname,
It became such a jolly good game,
One letter we change,
It was not all that strange,
And now we are called the same.

There once was a baker , agnostic
Who perfumed her kitchen with joss stick
When she was asked why
She said with a cry
I'm really a semi-pro rock chick

I

There once was a dog known as hair
Who'd often bring men to her lair
She'd always a liking
For walking and hiking
But cuddling's nice, to be fair

There once was a Thister named this
Who objected to rhyming with "piss"
The girls had a whip-round
And found her a new sound
So far it is nothing but bliss

No work being done here....better stop!

I've lost a shit load of weight and have taken up running. I have the body of a goddess, toned and tight. I look fucking HOT in a bikini. No cellulite. No stretch marks.

However, I'm 52 and my face looks like a cows arse and a walnut had a baby.

Grrr, just reread my last one and it's missing the word 'all' from the last line.
Wish there was an edit feature.

There was a perfectionist called Dog,
Who was so incensed by her typo that she just went berserk and all the rhyming and scanning went out of the window.

If ever i was in need of Thighland's reverse improvement therapy.

Are you offering yourself to us, Ma, or is there something you need help with implicit in your message?

Loving the thoems, may join in when I escape real life whizz.

There was a marauder called wax
Who caused mayhem with chainsaw and axe
She sculpted my garden
Without begging pardon
And just said "chill out, Poot, relax!"

There once was a Thister named four
Whose childraising standards were poor
She said children should
Simply shit in the wood
With the bears and that's not what it's for

What's all this about acknowledging people in the street? Do you mean to tell me that some of you actually leave your houses?

There was a sex goddess named Thigh
Whose tits were incredibly high
My God she exclaimed, i must be insane
Doing bukkake for 40 peni