I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

Ohhh sexy thigh!! Hvordan har du det?

DT fuck it, what did you wake him up for? I'd just finished fashioning his willy splint, now he's complaining - nej, nej he says. Well fuck that, i aren't a linguist. But he will be once I've finished.

He wouldn't even let me give him the kiss of life without complaining and he kept hitting me!

I might just kill him again!!

Yay glad you agree! Moaning bastard!!

You just don't need that kind of negativity in your life!

Ok he's in a coma! I've put him in the basement!

Yeah, fuck dig Esben you talented twat, thinking you're better than me. Well at least I'm alive which is more than you are.

My romances are so bitter sweet DT. Tell me honestly, am i an awkward person, abrasive?

Coma or dead? So hard to keep track.

Don't know! Cant be arsed checking for a pulse now!

Of course you're not thigh it was all his own doing!!

Nowty bastard!!

Zakly, mardy cunt.

I've tried being thromantic I've said:

Fancy a jump, pet; and
Eee lass, yeve pulled, get yer coat

That's how we did it when i were a lad.

He wasn't for you thigh , you can do so much better!

You should try gin thigh. I find it to be the answer to most questions and nearly all problems.

No this is bound to shock you but i don't drink, imagine Thigh on tequila

What does "don't drink* mean?

Going on holiday to the countryside next month, scared. All those hedges for serial killers to hide behind and v dark. What happens if they cut the phone line? Probs no mobile coverage to call for armed police.

Give me knife crime and the blazing lights of a Tesco Express every 5 yards instead. Cows n sheep will probs gang up on me.

Zero alcohol 🍷

And what if they don't have deliveroo or Tesco delivery? Will i be forced to milk the cows and capture the sheep?

I'll try to survive by scrumping for apples, and pears. Maybe rhubarb.

No light pollution. Will have to find my way using a sextant, the wind and a wet finger, an hourglass, a sundial and the stars.

Another Saturday night here at Party Central, but I've nonetheless found time and brain cells to write an Ode to Thigh.

Sorry if I'm a day behind events, I couldn't be arsed to RTFT.

[Pauses to allow applause to subside]

All hail to Queen Thigh101!
Her brillance doth rival the sun's.
Though she hath no degree
she dispenses with glee
advices to all and to one.

Oh Thighland! Thou country exotic!
oh Thigh on your mission quixotic!

What a pity snax don't grow on trees
Gin and f%bois are cheap but not free!

So the thisters sat pondering schemes
to help us finance our thighdreams.

Lion rides or an empire of crime?
Will a Roomba erase blood and grime?
A nurs'ry where Tarquin and Sydney
could play then go home sans a kidney?

A DH who brings home the bacon
in exchange or some orgasmic fakin'

and that's as far as I got

This is exactly how Laura Ingalls felt.

before someone needed feeding... again! It's like, every day.

I went to the country on my Stringy tour thigh ! There wasn't very much withigh !

Baker that's very beautiful and lyrical, haunting. Thanks for the Ode, hope it wasn't too onerous. You really have blossomed since joining Thighland. There you were gaily chuntering away dispensing snax for slagz, look at you now! A Thnobel Prize recipient!