I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

I realised many years ago that fabric softener was entirely unnecessary.

OK off to remove 12 scatter cushions, a ruched silk bedspread, a cashmere throw, some lace pillow shams, an embroidered nightdress case, and some scattered rose petals so I can collapse into bed.

Maybe we should start manufacturing our own scents. Disappointment, the fragrance

Great, now I’ll have nightmares.

That was to Caroline

Ooh pooter I have some rose petals in my bed. Oh no wait, it’s a cabbage leaf and several caterpillars

You probably are manufacturing your own scent, Project. What about Death of Ambition?

L’omicide, pour elle

My bed is just covered in cat hair.

La Melancholy

Pour les miserables

Fromage du Crone

Pour Encourager Les Autres, une miste

La Pissoir, pour femme

I have a robot hoover.

I'm so sorry.

Do you balance stuff on top of it? I think I would.

Washer has broken, dryer has broken, microwave set on fire tonight, handle fell off oven door and the alternator has given up the ghost on the car! now I can't afford to go to beamish for the steam fair that I have been looking forwards to since before Christmas. I had a little cry. What should I do?

Ugh who sent me to the cleaning thread? I feel ill, somebody irons bedding. I don't think they even want saved.

soul sorry, that was bad timing for you. This a bit of a comedy thread really but your problem is real I know! In order of importance sort out the alternator because transport is crucial. Reconditioned ones might be available, we just had one fitted on a van and it was 1/4 new price. Sorry about Beamish. Do you know anyone who will lend you their car? They can put you on their policy for a few days for very little cost. Or can with our insurer.

Oven door, look on e-spares.co.uk who have hundreds of videos of how to mend domestic appliances. If you watch how to replace your oven door handle you should see how it fixes on. It may just be a loose screw.

My DH has been known to mend a washing machine from watching an e-spares video, and we found a bit of Lego in the process!

If washer, dryer and microwave are all kaput, consider gumtree just for something to keep you going.

Hope you get sorted out!

thigh you shame me, my house is far too untidy for a robot hoover, it would choke and die.

Ps soul our local British Heart Foundation sells electrical stuff of all sizes, and will deliver for a nominal amount. All clean and safety checked.

Well I turn my back for 5 mins and it's all roombas, spray mops and zoflora around here!

May I suggest a group healing session. We'll all piss our slankets together after three and say 'Fuck it'

That'll unite us back in Thighland.

Remember this fellow thisiples; there is no zoflora in your inner thighs but there might be some stale piss!

What has happened to the Thighland of old? Where lions were ridden and fuckboys were murdered (or some such). Now its all cleaning links and roombas. I blame Brexit.

soul that is shitty indeed. pooter gives good advice - e spares are excellent.

dangly and dog are going to stop talking to me but I’ve had 2 robot hoovers. Loved them, trundling about, cheerfully doing a job that I’m too lazy to do.

Sadly the dark lord ended both of them with his ‘science’ experiments.

I have read too often of the horror of a robot hoover trundling through dog poo at night then spreading it gaily around the place. I can just imagine the glee of the little robot thing, chuckling at its revenge on humanity.