I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

A product for the genteel pisser.

Apparently keeping an enormous bag of ill gotten gains, even if thrown on your lawn with a Kalashnikov, is a crime called "stealing by finding". What about the law of "finders keepers"?

What if you find £5m in a gym bag and hand it in to the cops? Will they give it all back to you? Asking for a friend.

‘Wet work and lawn flattening’

Do you think MN will let us have an advertising slot?

Good morning, dear CarolinePooter!
Too bad that your miniscule hooters
Are out of scale to your massive caboose.
That’s meant kindly, and not as abuse.

Yes, your bum does look big in that!
Perhaps cover up with a hat.
Your bum also looks huge in this.
Just advice, dear, not taking the piss!

Your booty is on the ascent.
It’s so spacious that you could charge rent.
Think of it as a sales pitch,
And don’t accuse me of being a bitch.

When I survey your back end,
I think that a burqua’s your friend.
I have your best interests at heart,
Oh, Pooter, you slankety tart.

How would they know if you kept 2.5m back? How??

I feel like this is the beginning of a novel

Thigh I have a money-making idea|! Bag up the lion's poo as you ride around. Isn't it good for scaring rabbits out of gardens? Also a few lumps on the doorstep keep guests out of the house, I believe.

baker please send a signed photo pronto! so I can put it on my my dartboard You are a splendid Thister!

To, Caroline, with best wishes for reducing that bum. May this image inspire you in your quest for true inner beauty and bulging hooters.

agnostic you are beautiful

[Blushes modestly] I owe it all to yoga and mineral water.

Well I think the poetry (if you can call it that) has receded now. Truly, thighland is the only place I dare hang out. The rest of MN is full of human misery and bear baiting. Although this can be fun, of course, it's more relaxing to be part of a team.

I quite agree we need either a shit load or a shed load of money, whichever is the most. I have been racking my brains. Baker can only make so many cakes a day, so honest fundraising is out of the question. My pension has just been increased by a groat and a few farthings, so no money here!

BINGO!
We could set up a bespoke wedding poem service. Hang on though, with us lot contributing there would be a lot of bad reviews on Trustpilot! (TruthtellersRus)

Might be better selling celebratory divorce verse? I think we would get a lot of business.

These are the genuine ideas I’ve had for not going back to work this week:

Opening a b&b (won’t work: hate people)
Buying one of those machines that electrocute peoples’ faces to make them look youthful (intriguing mix of cash n sadism, still considering)
Having another baby (terrible idea)
Writing a best selling crime thriller (difficult as only have short attention sp- ooh look, butterfly!)
Winning lottery (cunts)

Lovely photo baker I am inspired to improve myself now!

I'm still here, but I'm in hiding, so can't post much cos I'm a lazy fucker.

project you have done extensive research, I can tell!

Have you seen those pelvic floor electrocution chairs? You sit on them and they target all the slack bits. After a few sessions you can shoot pingpong balls out of your fanny.

We could probably rig something up, and sell it via S&B.

Maybe divorce poetry a better bet? I could do a few for ex-MILs, they would be a steady seller.

I mean, ex-MILs would buy them and frame them ;-)

Hmm, cute wedding poems asking for cash are appealing.

Project how about child minding mwa ha ha.

HEEELLLLOOOOO, did nobody read my suggestion to thigh that she bag up the lion poo and sell it?

Just, how to get the lion to poo A LOT

Easy, baker feed it some of your bran muffins, large ones!

Baker - feed it a lot of victims n snax?

A telephone psychic service.

"Something unexpected with happen to you at some stage. You have a relative here who's initial begins with a J - they want to say Hi".