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Original poster

feel awful, I look at my 17 year old and feel hate.

443 replies

Dramaqueen2019 · 03/04/2019 21:32

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I shouldn’t feel this way about my son, I look at him and just feel rage and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so sad about it. I really do. I wish I knew how to change things.
I have 2 other children who I feel only love for, but with DS1 I just feel anger, he’s selfish, lazy and downright nasty at times. He’s making my younger Children’s life’s hell. He doesn’t respect our home, he makes an absolute mess and won’t clear it up. He’s been chucked out of college due to non attendance. He works so there’s that, but it’s hell to live with him, his attitude is disgusting. I dislike him, his views are horrible, I can’t even have a conversation with him because of his racist, sexist, homophobic views. He refuses to pay rent. He won’t even clean up his own room. I feel like giving up, been sat here crying for the last hour as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point where I would be happy for him to leave.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 10/04/2019 20:41

The police have just been and spoke to DS. They said his views are very alarming. He actually tried convincing the police about his views. Tried showing the police a video about the holocaust. Told them he sleeps with the bible etc. Police said his views and beliefs are extreme especially for his age.

Anyway police have passed it on to counter terrorism and intelligence. This doesn’t even seem real.
My son is now saying he is going to be the next leader and that’s his aim, he’s going to make his own party.
Not heard off children’s services yet.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 10/04/2019 20:43

bobstersmum no he didn’t wake up horrible one day, and I don’t actually believe he is horrible.
There have been concerns since he was 10, he never got the autism diagnosis, but maybe that’s because this isn’t autism.
And yes he’s my son which is why I feel so bad and helpless.

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justasking111 · 10/04/2019 20:50

You are not bad, your son is very ill. My friend had this but at a later date he was 15 when his character changed completely it was schizophrenia the change in him was terrifying for the family.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 10/04/2019 21:00

faxacerly absolutely positive no drugs of any kind. He’s completely against drugs.

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 10/04/2019 21:02

fazackerly he believes drugs or alcohol move you away from Christ and the truth. Sorry to hear about your brother :(

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ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 10/04/2019 21:37

God this sounds so tough. You are being a brilliant and brave mum ThanksThanksThanks

TheGodmother · 11/04/2019 07:58

Oh @Dramaqueen2019 how heartbreaking. Do you have support in RL?

You have done the right thing for your son, maybe he can get some appropriate "help" now.

OhioOhioOhio · 11/04/2019 08:09

I've been thinking about you so much op. You really are being so brave. How are you managing today?

SnuggyBuggy · 11/04/2019 08:54
Flowers
Fazackerley · 11/04/2019 09:07

I'm glad there are no drugs involved OP but in that case he sounds like a very unwell young man. Wishing you strength.

bluejelly · 11/04/2019 09:16

No advice but some Thanks
You sound an amazing mum, you really do.

OverMoon · 11/04/2019 09:21

You’re doing a great job OP. You did the right thing contacting NSPCC/Prevent/the police.

I just had to post and say: it’s the message boards. From when you posted about him believing flat earth, homophobia, and now Nazis. There are these message board/forums that lonely young men get sucked into and it absolutely brainwashes them. If he has no real life social life to speak of, all his social interaction will be coming from this extremist bubble online. It’s not your fault.

I really don’t know how to suggest stopping him accessing them. It’s a shame if his dad won’t help you by cancelling the internet on his phone. At 17 he is still a child (just) and you’re within your rights to limit his internet access. Could you try explaining to his dad that he’s been brainwashed by extremist groups online, and he needs a break fr interbank access? Especially now the police are involved.

I’m afraid the Virgin thing made me think he’s trying to get superfast broadband at your house so he can download certain materials. I wish there was a way you could hand over his laptop and phone to the police to be searched.

Whoops75 · 11/04/2019 10:10

Hi op

Just wanted to say I think you’re being incredibly brave.

My ds17 is in CAHMS 4 weeks and they have been great. Do you have any bargaining chip to get him to go?
Ds gets a fast food meal and cigarettes.

Does your son go to school?

I find it good to name Ds behaviors to make him aware, sometimes it helps other times I’m accused of being a drama queen!

Thinking of you x

sashh · 11/04/2019 11:22

And I don’t know how to help him or change things other than to tell him to go.
What sort of parent feels this way about their son?

A lot more parents than anyone imagines I'm sure.

From what you say he sounds quite ill, but one thing that strikes me as odd is that he is working. His attitude and behaviour do not seem to link to being able to hold a job down.

Do you know how he behaves at work?

As for being a pilot, well that's not going to happen regardless of qualifications if his behaviour doesn't improve.

I have no direct experience but I do know a friend of mine was kicked out of home because of her behaviour and she says it was the best thing for her and for her family.

My friend didn't see hor mum for a long while but would come home to find milk in the fridge and a stack of 50p pieces for her electric meter.

Glad the police are taking this seriously and I wish I could help more.

Fazackerley · 11/04/2019 11:25

Apologies if this has been said before, but any record of his involvement with far right groups and he can kiss being a pilot goodbye. Does he realise that?

Lovestruk · 11/04/2019 13:09

Hi Dramaqueen I really hope your son gets the help he needs he sounds like my boyfriend only he is 29 but doesn't seem to have ever grew up. I thought to begin with he was carismatic but now I realise he either has no feelings or has no idea how to show them apart from anger and maybe if he had been helped sooner he may not have ended up this way.

He is violent, not with me but likes to fight, lacks compassion I was actually on here looking up miscarriage forums as I'm experiencing a missed miscarriage and came across you post. He has not been there for me and actually makes me feel like shit at present.

The only difference it seems apart from the age is that my boyfriend smokes weed. He says it helps him not be anxious and fair enough but it makes him an emotionless zombie.

I spoke to him about therapy but he is in denial and is conditioned to "being a man" from his father. I wonder is your sons dad a "mans man"? I think their fathers have a lot of influence more than you would realise.

I really wish I could help more but I'm kind of in the same situation only I can walk away but do feel the need to help but not so much at the minute my hormones are very up and down. I think an intervention maybe what your son needs. I messaged my boyfriends mam a few weeks ago because I had given up but still wanted someone to help him but she and others don't seem to see or maybe care to help him it's all very sad.

Anyway if you want to chat I can go into further detail, I come from a "broken family" also and I know it affects me still and I'm 30 so look I will help you as much as I can to understand as that's what I am trying to do.

Take care xxx

PinkBlueStripes · 11/04/2019 23:44

So tough Flowers. I hope he gets help through the right channels. Have you ever asked if he hears voices?

EustaciaVye · 12/04/2019 08:44

I couldn't see this and not post some words of support. I hope you get the help you need OP as this seems like a terrible situation to be living through for all of you.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 12/04/2019 19:11

I rang children’s services today just to check they had for the referral as they hadn’t come out, they said they have referred him to channel but they can’t come out as after speaking to the police and school (although don’t know how that possible as it’s half term) that they have only had high praise of me and both have said that their is no concerns of my capacity to parent and to keep my children safe. Children’s services advised me to ring the gp and ask for a medical evaluation, they said they can’t force him as he has capacity. They have made an appointment for 2 weeks time and are sending out a letter to say it’s just a routine appointment in case that will help to get him there, they then rang me afterwards giving me a number for early intervention mental health, who have made an appointment for Monday for him with them, and she said she will keep her work phone on tonight, and if DS seems unwilling she will come out to us.
Can’t believe children’s services can’t help. I just feel so alone with all this.
Early intervention said they believe he needs to be taken to a&e, I can’t get him there, he will absolutely refuse, they said ring an ambulance then and they will assess him here, but I don’t think that’s necessary.
And all DS is doing is asking me if I’ll build a rocket with him to check if space is real 😫

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 12/04/2019 19:13

sashh as far as I know he’s doing fine at work but he wants that money for his computer stuff.
Found out today he’s transferred his wages to go into some lads bank account instead of his to pay for a computer and then a car, and he can’t even drive, he doesn’t even have a provisional . And I can’t stop him at his age 😥

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 12/04/2019 19:23

And to top it all off my washer has been broken for a week and we are running out of clothes, waiting for a part till it can be repaired, only had it for 6 months!
We just had a power cut also, it’s back on now... but just feels like can anything else go wrong!! Argh

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Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 12/04/2019 19:31

And you should see the things DS is posting on social media and also what his “friends” (that he’s never met) are posting, I’d post the screenshots here if it wouldn’t compromise his anonymity. Shocking things like group trips being organised(by his friends) thankfully DS doesn’t have a passport! Things about extremism, things about how they have more of a connection with all their online naxi friends than anyone in real life. Things about birthing beautiful white babies etc, hitler stuff. This is on a Facebook account I didn’t know existed till 2 days ago, he’s blocked me now, but I’ve made a fake bloody profile so I can follow it.

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GregoryPeckingDuck · 12/04/2019 19:32

Are you sure it’s not actually anxiety? Scientists expresses itself as anger in me so if I am worried about my children sometimes I feel angry st them instead.

Original poster
Dramaqueen2019 · 12/04/2019 19:34

thegodmother no real life support as although I have lots of people around me, I’m basically the one who sorts everyone else’s problems out.

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