feel awful, I look at my 17 year old and feel hate.

[Dramaqueen2019]

I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I shouldn’t feel this way about my son, I look at him and just feel rage and it shouldn’t be this way. I feel so sad about it. I really do. I wish I knew how to change things.
I have 2 other children who I feel only love for, but with DS1 I just feel anger, he’s selfish, lazy and downright nasty at times. He’s making my younger Children’s life’s hell. He doesn’t respect our home, he makes an absolute mess and won’t clear it up. He’s been chucked out of college due to non attendance. He works so there’s that, but it’s hell to live with him, his attitude is disgusting. I dislike him, his views are horrible, I can’t even have a conversation with him because of his racist, sexist, homophobic views. He refuses to pay rent. He won’t even clean up his own room. I feel like giving up, been sat here crying for the last hour as I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point where I would be happy for him to leave.

Don't want to read and run but have you looked into literature about children with callous and unemotional traits? The details of a radio podcast are here - might help you in the right direction. CAMHS services are variable in how much awareness they have of these profiles - ie it's a developmental profile not acquired disorder if that makes sense. I'm an ex MH professional.
tavistockandportman.nhs.uk/about-us/news/stories/ensure-best-outcomes-young-people-callous-unemotional-traits-we-must-have-right-evidence/

Tavistock and the Institute of Psychiatry at the Maudsely Hospital have expertise.

By getting help for your son before he gets in any deeper with the neo-Nazis, you could have saved multiple lives. Its not an easy thing to do, but you are an AMAZING mum and you are doing a great job.

I’m so glad you’re getting agencies involved. He is very very lucky to have you

Apologies the podcast I linked to is not working. May be worth asking the CAMHS team whether they think Callous Unemotional (CU) profile is something they have considered alongside the other issues your son is currently presenting - a very complex and difficult situation for you all. Professor Stephen Scott at the Institute of Psychiatry is a good contact around CU and the implications for treatment/intervention. Apologies again for the rubbish link. Done in a rush! Best wishes

I saw someone trying to groom a little one (girl) on Club Penguin once, reported it to Disney and was dismissed. It was so bloody obvious. Our children are vulnerable at any age.

You are so strong Op and are doing the best by your boys at least the relevant people are involved and can try and help

justasking111 it is so obvious! If you could see the screenshots that I got off his computer! This guy saying things like “our ends will justify the means” “more people to kill, more people to save” and sending him a Mein Kampf original book free of charge, which by the way he won’t be getting his hands on as I’ll get it before he does. And DS saying how I am immoral, and this guy saying that yeah and I don’t see the error of my ways and I will rot with the others. Ugh. Please let this be over soon 😫

I’ve just RTFT and I want to offer another hand hold and tell you how amazing you’re doing

Just been on the phone to him and felt like I was getting through to him. He said “hypothetically speaking if I dropped these beliefs could I be a pilot” I said if those are your beliefs then they’re your beliefs. He said well what if, I said yes drop them or at least stop talking to these people in America and just think! I explained how people can groom people by making them believe they are their friend and making them feel important etc. He said ok. We shall see where he is tomorrow.
He also asked how certain diagnosis could affect being a pilot, I said I don’t know but we will deal with that if ever happens. He seemed so much more rational than normal. Hope it continues

He said he will never drop Christianity and I said that’s fine, but go to a church or something. Because at the moment he doesn’t, he’s just understood it of the internet and friends online.

Felt like he wanted my reassurance and help

Either that or he’s playing me cos he knows camhs are coming back, but didn’t feel that way

You are being really brave

I just want my boy back

Rather than thinking of chucking him out, supported housing might be what he needs so he can stretch his wings and learn a bit more about supporting himself. If you can give it a positive spins for you and him, perhaps you won’t feel so guilty and he will possibly appreciate you down the line. If it is asd - even if you get a diagnosis it doesn’t change much unless you can get him an Education and Health Care Plan. If you can they’ll be some funding to help him. So sorry you’re feeling so miserable about him.

Have everything crossed for all of you op

I thought about supported housing. My friends son who has asd and adhd is in supported housing since 16 and it has been the best thing that happened to them, they have a great relationship now . I rang though and they said he needs to go to Connexions for the appointment because of his age and he wouldn’t. Also when I mentioned it to the man from channel, he said it’s the worst thing I could do for him at this moment. And I get that, I do. But Is it the right thing for my other 2? So frustrating not to know what to do for the best!

Also just for the record re will the diagnosis stop me being a pilot I have had 3 episodes of psychotic illness as an adult and then many that we assume were untreated now we know what it is.
I’ve got two degrees and held down a professional job in my feild
It won’t stop him being a pilot at all x

I'm sorry OP but I really hope he doesn't become a pilot. I can understand why it might be something that reminds you of his old hopes and dreams.

He’s a manipulative little shit, just been through his phone. He’s been saying all the right things to me but his messages say otherwise. His mate in America has been telling him what to say and telling him to turn comp and phone off for a month so they’ll lose interest. Ha, well these messages being passed on tomorrow too. DS even showed me that he hadn’t spoke to this guy since the 18th and I believed him, he’d been messaging him on another encrypted messaging service. Absolute liar! I’m so mad.
Yeah he shouldn’t be a pilot.

He doesn’t know I’ve seen the messages. Only managed to get on the phone as DS had let his younger brother on to play a game, so got it off him by saying I just wanted to see how much bigger his phone screen is compared to iPhone.

DD Sat here today telling me how I’m right and he’s putting it all behind him now! As he realised why we are concerned, and he just wants to concentrate on other things.

So convincing it’s scary!

His mate in America has been telling him what to say and telling him to turn comp and phone off for a month so they’ll lose interest

His mate in America seems very clued in as to how the system works.

Oh my

You ARE amazing! Keep strong for you and family stay positive poor thing is being groomed terribly. I hope this "mate" in America is being looked into as I bet your son is not the only one he's grooming