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Original poster

Is Your Life Shit? I can solve all your problems

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 01/04/2019 19:07

I am a kindly non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and I run a lovely advice clinic. Please bring me your problems and I will solve them, forever.

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Thread gallery
18
thislido · 02/04/2019 08:40

Oh you’ve told us your destination.

thislido · 02/04/2019 08:41

I can’t recall the toilets at Piccadilly but they have a first class lounge. On arrival buy a first class ticket for an extremely short local journey, then go into the lounge and enjoy the snacks and facilities.

CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:42

poached get some knee socks and style it out! Don't wear tights they are a symbol of your oppression.

thislido · 02/04/2019 08:45

I can’t crochet either but I was told it was easy. Perhaps I’ve been misled. Anyway, Ruffle needed a distraction, so difficulty is an advantage.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:46

Poached do you have a sharpie on (or perhaps in) your person? Colour your legs in, take off your shoes and colour in your feet too.

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thislido · 02/04/2019 08:46

It might have to be a local virgin journey, so Stockport is probably the best bet.

thislido · 02/04/2019 08:47

thigh despite years of trying, I still haven’t won the lottery. Why do they toy with me like this? What can be done?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:48

Poached could you crochet yourself some extra legs and hang them from your knickers and have four legs? Go into the meeting on all fours and lift your tail presenting your tea soaked bum first. Is it a work meeting?

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CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:48

So was pineapple coercively assigned pineapple at birth? These bloody fruit midwives have a lot to answer for. Dangly you are right, sulking on the internet never helped anyone. We should welcome all the fruit cocktail family to frolic in thighland where there is no judgement

thislido · 02/04/2019 08:49

poached get some bandages from boots and bandage each leg snuggly. Might get you bonus sympathy too.

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 08:52

Wow Pooter that's amazing!!

I am so impressed! I assume all this can be done from the sofa without movement. I'm inspired, I might take up sewing and sew us a vicar (I could never crochet I just know it).

I think pineapple just wants to be a kumquat or a sharon fruit Pooter that's why she is cross. We can help with this! She can just NC and ... bingo!!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:52

Or some DVT compression socks? Sympathy and ask them to be very, very gentle with you in case you die on the spot.

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DrWhy · 02/04/2019 08:53

Help - my life is literally shit at the moment. I am trying to toilet train a reluctant toddler, we are on day 5 and he was worse yesterday when he went into nursery than he was with me on day 1, he’s in nursery again today, I am antipating more wet and probably poo filled trousers at home time. How do I get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible?! We are currently using the ‘oh crap’ method with additional bribery involving gold stars, chocolate buttons and tv shows!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:54

Dangly do you think I'm a Chinese pear or a navel orange?

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:58

Why buy your toddler a slanket and attach a potty to his bum with duct tape. It's not cruelty if you laugh while you're doing it.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:59

Why actually he can use his own money for the slanket, you have given up enough already.

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DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 09:00

thigh I see you as more of a Terry's Chocolate Orange, in my eyes anyway, because I love you as much as TCO [heart eyes emoticon]

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 09:01

Thislido would Camelot accept crayoned winning lottery tickets? I have loads here.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 09:03

DT I'm not sure about TCO - why ruin a perfectly good chocolate ball with the essence of fruit.

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DrWhy · 02/04/2019 09:03

thigh I think he might go for that as long as the slanket was tiger print and he could watch tv all day.

PettyLaBelle · 02/04/2019 09:03

Ghost can you crayon Thighlander faces onto each of your cat’s spots?

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 09:04

Why I think the main problem stems from the fact you keep picking him up from nursery when you should be staying on the sofa with some snax lined up.

You need to rest. Tell nursery that they are to keep him until he is fully toilet trained and then and only then will you collect him and there'd better be no accidents either or you'll return him and wave a machete at them all!

Nurseries are sooo lazy these days!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 09:05

Why well he's buying whichever print he chooses. You have already given up your hymen for him, enough is enough.

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DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 09:05

thigh I don't think it's real orange though it's just some shitty artificial syrup substance that'll kill us all.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 09:09

My ad is for Bellway home builders. OK but how big are their cocks? I've had enough disappointment in my life in that department, I'm not going through the trauma of a pencil dick again.

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