I can solve all your problems, forever

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a self appointed non medically trained kindly interested nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and welcome you to my advice clinic.

I notice both of my brides have done a runner now. Should I be making myself more attractive as a husband. Grow more facial hair and do less? I'm not sure it's even possible.

Oh Danga I missed you too. I hear you're a dog these days? There's a movie in Australia about a lost dog that wanders across the desert to find its owner. I imagine you as that dog.

I'm ashamed to say I keep getting sucked back into real life. Fortunately the attraction of Thigh is strong. I spent several odd weeks on AIBU where people kept telling me to "leave the bastard" even though I'm single.

In AIBU (don't look, I'm telling you all you need to know) people are talking about not liking hashtags.

I'll confess I'm from an era where if you wanted someone to know something you wrote them a letter. Or gave them a cockmunching, depending on the message.

I'm going to practice with a few hashtags here as i know you'll guide me.

#cunt off
#get away from me or I'll murder you
#pissing my slanket

Is that how it works? I just state things?

Getting you should LTB before you spread your herpes around even more.

Thigh did you try that cream I recommended? It really works, doesn't it?

#Happybirthday
#Howoldexactlyareyou

Getting back in the last century i shagged two Australian friends, one called Crazy and the other Kenny Parker, do you know them? They were nice but had poor grammar and spelling - they used to write me joint letters which I would correct. I considered sending the corrected letters back to help them. Luckily my boyfriend Jim didn't know about those 2, or any of the others.

Jim was nice but then he got a bad back and started to moan about it so i had to dump him.

Getting yes that's right, I self ID as 'species fluid' so I am sometimes a dog, but never on a Thursday as that is the evening I do my turn at the gentleman's club.

The kinky buggers might even like me as a dog but I cannot work the pole with my paws you see!

Danga you're a dog. Piss on the pole

Thigh are they the ones from the small outback town of Toolongwangs?

Dangles is half fat Labrador half novelty strippagram. Are you a TRA Dangles? Do you get mis specied? Do you need support?

I am three way trans: Lion, sloth and ferocious Chinese Dictator. It works well for me.

Getting no, they're from Woowooagangbang. Kenny had freckles, does that narrow it down? Probably dead now with that fair skin in the jungle.

Did he have a cockatoo?

I don't often venture south of Boobboobbelly but I've heard it's a jungle down there

Thigh the important thing about hashtags is that you leave no spaces

#pissedmyselfagain
#livingmybestlife
#gettingwearsathong

Getting when you find Kenny can you tell him that i didn't dump him because of his Mum's cancer but because i was busy dumping my boyfriend Jim for developing a bad back and shagging Pete the cute but thick soldier. Although tbf Kenny did write joint letters from his mate Crazy who i was also shagging so why did he imagine I'd be supportive?

I'm very, very open about being an exceptionally bad partner. Do they think I'm joking?

#gettingsherpesisinflamedbyherthong

Thigh hold up. I thought you said Kenny was dead? Why was Jim shagging Pete?

#confused

Getting #holdyourphoneupsidedowntoreadyouAustraliandrongo

Jim was my boyfriend but I went on holiday so shagged Kenny Parker and Crazy who were two Australian friends.

Kenny P and Crazy would write me joint letters.

Met Pete, cute but thick soldier. Also Stephen with a huge cock but was engaged to some slag.

Jim developed bad back and was sick so I dumped him. Kenny wrote to me about his Mum's cancer which bored me.

Turned Pete into boyfriend but continued to shag Stephen on side due to huge cock. Also shagged Stuart from time to time but so did my sister so that doesn't count.

#namechangedforthis
#religiousbiscuits
#homesweethome

I nearly got engaged to Kenny Parker, but he has ishoos from a previous gf. I'm starting to join up the dots #itsallstartingtomakesensenow

Dog is he bad at spelling, has a dead mum and is Australian? If so, I'd say sorry if I was sorry.

Pooter is a religious biscuit a gingerbread nativity scene? I've always been uncomfortable eating our Lord and Saviour. The Shepherds less so.

What a heartfelt apology Thigh, I am willing to accept it. Mind you, I don't think I could have married him, he kept wearing my thongs on his feet.

Dog he was fun but had freckles on his cock - it was a bit disconcerting, I didn't know which one to address.