I can solve all your problems, forever

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a self appointed non medically trained kindly interested nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and welcome you to my advice clinic.

Thigh I just got RAC in case you break down on your way home with the zoo animals. How are you getting them to Thighland?

Gosh thigh, so I need to legislate for arse bubbles and dog sunglasses plus we need some machine gun giraffes. Anyone else have any laws that they want passing?

Also I’m worried about your nocturnal sleep habits. Is the crack keeping you up or are you in fact a miniature vampire?

I got the gin! I got the gin! Snap Danga!!
I also got some creepy bloke called Michael Ball who claims to be coming home to me. Who's name changing now? Hmmmmmm???

Oh fuck me... Is it Mothers Day?

Wait a second ... Where are my Cadbury's Roses and piles of pancakes with Nutella?

Come to think of it... Where are my kids?

Never mind Mothers Day...why is it an hour later?
So much for a leisurely Slanket Snax 'n Snooze.
Why are there so many empty bottles of wine and gin lying around?

Well I’ve already lost an hour and spent last night dreaming about being told off by my boss and me trying not to blow up.

Fekko, Can you give Trump some training on how not to blow up, I am little concerned with this talk of big red fanny buttons. Perhaps we should be putting yoghurt on them, to take the redness down?

LordPenguin. How awful for you. Wasting all that time dreaming of not blowing up when you could have been dreaming about blowing your boss up. So sad

Fuck it, i always get mixed up with this hour on hour off rubbish. Thought i was getting longer in bed. Project let's change time altogether with a new funz lawz.

Getting transport, i was going to use my 2009 Kia Rio, i can make it into a permanent convertible by sawing off the top.

Thigh can I have a couple of penguins please? I like penguins. And I’ve got a paddling pool they can have, and I need a chest freezer for the murdering anyway. I can train them to kill because who suspects a penguin?

Fekko you dreamt of not killing your boss? That's unusual. Dangly is an armchair amateur psychiatrist / lobotomist - would you like to step into her van?

Reg sure, do you want all the penguins? I'm guessing not the polar bears?

I am here!

Who wants a lobotomy'?

So have we changed time yet? Am I in bed or not in bed?

You're welcome

Project protected adult nap times to be enshrined in law. Also only those who actually want to work (weirdo) go to work. We'll fix the economy with crayoned Thighland Yen ¥

Getting what is Mumsnet?

Fuck me, I've just had 2 simultaneous ads!

One says - Go Get a Qualifying Law Degree - Go in London - Go Now

The other - book a home in Valencia.

What is a Qualifying Law Degree?

That literally makes no sense.

They're messing with your head Thigh. They're trying to destabilise our regime. They want you to become Schrödinger's Thigh. Both in London and not in London. Studying a for a law degree and not studying for a law degree.

Where are the science honeyz? I'd say we're too stupid for them but we have Project she's fairly bright.

Do you know what I had this morning? I didn't want to say in case I frightened you all. I had an ad for MEN'S CLOTHING 😲

Getting they just sent me to the zoo to free the animals and give them machine gunz and now they want me to be a lawyer.

Clearly they want me to get a Qualifying Law Degree and prosecute myself. Well it won't work, I'm far too lazy.

Getting you know who sent you an ad for women's clothing on Mother's Day? TRAs, that's who. They think we're TERFs when actually we're in favour of men giving birth to humans via their bellends.

Getting i wish you were a science honey rather than a cockmunching elf. I've been doing my best around you, have you noticed my gag reflex is getting better?