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Original poster

Unreasonable to ask where my DD is going at 11pm?

76 replies

CupOCof · 06/03/2019 19:56

Hi there didn't have the guts to post this on aibu and just asking for honest but polite opinions. My daughter is 18 and in sixth form she turns 19 in September although probably not relevant. She can also drive. She has recently started going out very late at night 10pm - 11 -12 and sometimes even 1am. This has happened on around 4-5 occasions. The first time she went she said right I'm going out (was completely out of the ordinary! And I and her dad was sitting in the living room and of course just asked where) and her response was "I dunno I fancy some fresh air" and her dad was very much "but you have college tomorrow what's brought this on" and she very much had an attitude of "right you're never getting an explanation again now, like that was even an explanation!?!?) so the next time she said she was going she just said "right I'm going out" and we asked why and she completely ignored it and off she went.

I know it's not really my business but I have no idea where she is or when she will be home. She is still only a sixth form student so not exactly old. She isn't confident and outgoing at all (if she had lots of friends I could completely understand) but it's not really her.

Any ideas or solutions please?

OP posts:
WatcherintheRye · 06/03/2019 20:28

I think I'd be tempted to give her a taste of her own medicine, not by going out late at night, but you and dh could start occasionally going out midweek (for a meal/cinema/ drink) without explanation other than you've decided to go out. See if she takes the hint!

grinningcheshirecat · 06/03/2019 20:28

I think she is having sex with someone.

You could hide the car keys of course....

HennyPennyHorror · 06/03/2019 20:41

God. I can't believe people suggesting you hide her keys! She's an adult!

Yes she lives in your house but she is entitled to freedom.

I had my own key from 17 and my Mum and Dad never asked where I was going. They loved me of course...but they let me live my life.

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18 years old Families
Bookworm4 · 06/03/2019 20:44

Booty call for sure 😉

HollowTalk · 06/03/2019 20:45

I wonder if it's a boy from school who's got an evening shift somewhere.

I'd hate to think of her just seeing someone at times like that and not going out properly, though.

Troels · 06/03/2019 20:47

I had a really hard time with this when my boys got to 18. Not so much with the oldest as he went off to Uni at 17 and never seemed to go anywhere but work when he was home.
Second one did pop out and about, I knew his girlfriend, she came over a lot. He had a car too. I used to lie awake worrying (nothing happened he was very sensible) so I made a deal. I used to leave the hall light on and he had to stick his head in the bedroom and tell me he was home. Worked well for us. Dh didn't use to get in from work till 2am, and he was always home by then.
It's really hard not to worry, and most of us will look back and realise they were safe and sensible. Just keep talking and don't argue about it so they shut you out.

Beeziekn33ze · 06/03/2019 20:50

You really need to know more just to be sure she's safe. It sounds as if she has a boyfriend (or girlfriend) that she doesn't think you'll approve of. Has she had a previous serious relationship? I think she's being unfair to you, is she secretive about other parts of her life?

YesQueen · 06/03/2019 20:50

I think a compromise would be saying what time she is home for
I never had a curfew, even at 14/15 but my dad took the "tell me what time you are home, if you are a minute late then that's it"
So I would say I'm coming home for 3am and then usually be home earlier as I was desperate to keep the freedom
I did used to go out at odd hours at her age actually, couldn't sleep, felt restless and would go for a drive or McDonald's or a cigarette

JRMisOdious · 06/03/2019 20:53

First thing that springs too mind is that she’s meeting someone/friends at the end of a shift.

PCohle · 06/03/2019 20:54

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect to know roughly where your kids are at that age.

I'd put my money on boyfriend, but really it could be anything which would hugely worry me.

zzzzz · 06/03/2019 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 06/03/2019 20:58

I reckon she’s having a shag buddy type thing with someone and is meeting them after they finish work - maybe a chef / restaurant worker etc, they all finish about that time....

(not saying I’ve EVER done that btw)....! BlushGrin

MissLadyM · 06/03/2019 20:59

She's shagging someone or is escorting

Offredismysister · 06/03/2019 21:00

Has she got a black box fitted on the car?
I only ask as my DS has & his driver rating goes down if he goes out between the hours of 11pm-6am.

NeonK · 06/03/2019 21:00

My niece does this. She often goes to pick friends up (and charges them, so has a bit of a taxi enterprise going!) or to Starbucks, McDs. Doesn't seem that unusual amongst her friendship group.

So not necessarily anything to worry about, but I agree she should be giving you an idea of what she's doing.

witchy89 · 06/03/2019 21:01

Are you awake when she returns, does she smell of smoke? She could be going out to smoke, I have a few friends who live at home and their parents don't know they smoke weed so they 'pop out' in the evenings. I agree with pp's though, sounds like she's meeting up with a guy, or guys. I don't think you need to know WHERE she is going, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to know when she will be returning, and she should respect that!

AnyFucker · 06/03/2019 21:01

Escorting ? Give over.

I would hope not a married man though who can only get away to "walk the dog before bedtime" or something

Fairylea · 06/03/2019 21:02

When you hear she’s leaving shout out that you’d like to come with her... you need to go to Tesco’s 24 hours or McDonald’s... see what she says Grin

ALannisterInDebt · 06/03/2019 21:04

She's shagging someone or having a fag.

Sounds like she needs her privacy, and should be moving out sometime soon?

Not fair to keep you up worrying.

PCohle · 06/03/2019 21:06

Escorting? Grin That escalated quickly from cheeky fag.

VioletCharlotte · 06/03/2019 21:09

DS2 does this too. He's the same age as your DD. From what I can gather, they just meet up and sit in cars and chat, go to McDonald's drive through, etc. It seems to be the norm at that age, I remember doing the same thing myself (normally to shag or smoke!)

Unless you've got other reasons for concern, I wouldn't worry too much, so long as she's doing well at college and seems well and happy generally.

MummytoCSJH · 06/03/2019 21:12

A bit rude of her but she is an adult.

MaMisled · 06/03/2019 21:13

My guess is Tinder hook ups. Sorry op.

anniehm · 06/03/2019 21:21

My dd has to tell me if she's going to be out beyond 11 and always tells me where (ish) she is eg town, friends house, pub. If she was being cagey I would worry. It's not normal behaviour to nip out at midnight on a school night.

ThelmaDinkley · 06/03/2019 21:23

I'd do what Fairylea says or follow her 😆

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