Unreasonable to ask where my DD is going at 11pm?

[CupOCof]

Hi there didn't have the guts to post this on aibu and just asking for honest but polite opinions. My daughter is 18 and in sixth form she turns 19 in September although probably not relevant. She can also drive. She has recently started going out very late at night 10pm - 11 -12 and sometimes even 1am. This has happened on around 4-5 occasions. The first time she went she said right I'm going out (was completely out of the ordinary! And I and her dad was sitting in the living room and of course just asked where) and her response was "I dunno I fancy some fresh air" and her dad was very much "but you have college tomorrow what's brought this on" and she very much had an attitude of "right you're never getting an explanation again now, like that was even an explanation!?!?) so the next time she said she was going she just said "right I'm going out" and we asked why and she completely ignored it and off she went.

I know it's not really my business but I have no idea where she is or when she will be home. She is still only a sixth form student so not exactly old. She isn't confident and outgoing at all (if she had lots of friends I could completely understand) but it's not really her.

Any ideas or solutions please?

I would be concerned too. She is being cagey which would make me assume she’s going somewhere you would have reason to be concerned about.

Probably not a lot you can actually do, as she’s 18. Unless she’s driving your car. My MIL used to control DH’s activities by saying she wanted the car back home by x stupid time even when she didn’t need it at all!

My rule is I am entitled to go to sleep unworried about my dc!
They need to text me if they are sleeping out, and a rough area they will be in!! Ds has friends quite far and wide - if I am needed I need to know where at!
Your dd is being very thoughtless imo.

She's old enough to have her own place now. Maybe remind her of this when you tell her your home is not a hotel.
Could she be delivering drugs, meeting a supplier?
You can't be worrying where she is going, she needs to consider your feelings at her age, if she wants to continue to live with you, she's an adult, now.

When I was the same age I was heading out at that time to have sex with my supervisor which I quite obviously didn't want my mum to know about

She's entitled to her privacy but you're entitled to goto sleep knowing she's safe as a pp mentioned. How long is she out for? Can you ask for a time to expect her back?

So what’s the boyfriend / girlfriend situation? Is it possible she’s started seeing someone who works unsocial hours? ( bar / shift worker??)

I used to go out late in the evenings at that age either to smoke or see my boyfriend.

Honestly I have no idea what she is up to. She can be out anywhere from an hour until latest was she made it back in time to get changed for college!

I do try and remind her yes she is a grown adult but she is also living in our house and should respect house rules and that me or her dad would not be doing as she is doing as it's inconsiderate to us all. She seems to be very "mum I'm doing my a levels are you implying you want to kick me out?" And I have no idea how to respond to that. I'd feel awful kicking her out when even the government expects you to help them out till they are 25.

At that age I was living in my parents home and being supported by them. Therefore I was a child in the household and what they said went, especially with going out. While I know people are generally much less strict now it's not unreasonable to want to know she is safe. Not too sure how to approach it though.

It sounds as though she's going to meet someone. Is she dressed up? Does she have make up on? An air of excitement?

I expect she’s meeting a man.

How long does she stay out?

At weekends kids of this age start a night out very late. So far, so normal. Not unusual to head out to meet friends between 10pm and midnight.

But a weeknight with college the next day ? Something dodgy happening there.

Suggest a flat near a library?? Do not be blackmailed op.

Is she driving your car?

This was exactly how I was at 17/18..
I was sneaking out late at night 'for fresh air' or popping to see someone or popping to the shop.

Turned out I'm a smoker and my mum told me if I ever smoked she would kick me out of the house. So I was always sneaking around. She eventually caught me and now it's a habit I'm trying to kick.

Think of what she's like when she's going out for a night with friends, in terms of clothes, make up, perfume etc. Does she look like that? Does she change before going out or will she go out in the same clothes she's been in all day?

Who's car is she going out in?
It's not unreasonable to set house rules, but she is an adult so something along the line of, be in by x o'clock or stay wherever you are?
It'd drive me mad someone coming in at all hours.

No she seems to leave in lounge wear/casual clothes, never anything fancy or OTT.

No it's her own car (present from grandmother for her18th) so I can't even stop her from using that.

Most kids her age are the same, she is entitled to her privacy and the more you ask the less she will tell. Try to relax, how much more sleep would you get if you knew where she was?

If anything happens to her believe me you will be the first person she calls.

Just try not to worry about her and trust yourself that you have done a good job of raising her and she is just after some freedom with friends or alone, maybe she has a boyfriend who works nights and has a break at that time.
As parents we worry about everything and it is not healthy.

There's a 24 hour Starbucks near me, that's where all the teenagers hang out around 11ish. I know my nieces and nephews go out around 10.30 to meet up there with friends. Is there a Costa or starbucks near you? I was also going to suggest she's going out for a ciggy 🤔

At that age I was living in my parents home and being supported by them. Therefore I was a child in the household and what they said went, especially with going out
Same as this, I was still at school being supported by My parents, one time I came home midweek at 4am after being out with a boyfriend and my mum went crazy, said i had woken them all up when they had work in the morning, I totally get the selfishness now but didn't then

“No, I’m not trying to kick you out, I am supporting you while you are studying. You could respect me/your parents and the family home in return”

Then see if she responds any better.

I think it justs common courtesy as well as being safe to tell who you live with where you are going at that time of night

Now I'm dying to know where she's going!

I think it’s a boy.