Unreasonable to ask where my DD is going at 11pm?

[CupOCof]

Hi there didn't have the guts to post this on aibu and just asking for honest but polite opinions. My daughter is 18 and in sixth form she turns 19 in September although probably not relevant. She can also drive. She has recently started going out very late at night 10pm - 11 -12 and sometimes even 1am. This has happened on around 4-5 occasions. The first time she went she said right I'm going out (was completely out of the ordinary! And I and her dad was sitting in the living room and of course just asked where) and her response was "I dunno I fancy some fresh air" and her dad was very much "but you have college tomorrow what's brought this on" and she very much had an attitude of "right you're never getting an explanation again now, like that was even an explanation!?!?) so the next time she said she was going she just said "right I'm going out" and we asked why and she completely ignored it and off she went.

I know it's not really my business but I have no idea where she is or when she will be home. She is still only a sixth form student so not exactly old. She isn't confident and outgoing at all (if she had lots of friends I could completely understand) but it's not really her.

Any ideas or solutions please?

I had a FWB at this age and he worked in a bar and would finish around the same time as your DD is going out. I never used to dress up leaving the house, I had nice clothes in the car. I didn’t tell my parents as at that age I had this weird thing about privacy and I didn’t want them asking to meet him as he wasn’t my boyfriend.

I would just say that you want to know a rough time she will be back as it is just sensible and would be similar in a house share. She shouldn’t be waking everyone up

I've just read your post to DS2 (17). He said 'everyone' does this, they just go out to chill for a bit.

He's now gone out

Yes she's 18, but when you're living at home (and as she's studying I'm assuming not contributing to bills? Who pays her petrol?) you have to respect your parents rules.

When I live at my parents at 18 (only 2 years ago) I wouldn't have dreamed of going out at that time. It's different at the weekends if you're out with friends but you have to make sure you're not coming home at all hours, drunk and your parents worried constantly.

Tbh though, if she's going out in lounge wear, not made up or anything, she might well be actually just going for a nighttime drive with some music on, that can be relaxing.

Oh my god some of these suggestions- shagging randoms, escorting, drug dealing, meeting boys, cigarettes.

Cut her some slack- Out of all the young people I know that age less than 10% were doing those things.

Maybe she just wants some space?

I just used to drive if I couldn't sleep down to the sea or round a friend's and we'd all just sit in cars, sometimes it was fwb. I also did it mid week, and still did great at
A level, I just didn't need sleep in the way I do now. I did always leave a note but I don't think it said much.

Sex

I'm glad mine boards and isn't allowed out at night
Always knew where my lads were though, or thereabouts.
We had house rules, follow them or move out, they followed as couldn't afford to move out, at 17/18. Of course they need some independence but communicating where they are going and when to be expected back is common courtesy and nothing to do with age, I'd tell my dh and kids where I was going and what time I'd be back.

The thought of going out at 11pm! I'm in my pjs by 8 😂

Wow, Romany. You are rather fantastic, aren't you ?

I say to mine “Don’t do anything that, if you go missing will make me look like a crap mum when I have to go on TV and do a press conference”.

“Don’t do anything that, if you go missing will make me look like a crap mum when I have to go on TV and do a press conference”

I must remember this one for when Dd reaches this age and gives me more grief.

She won't give a care Troels so you tell her that if she does, you'll use an unfiltered, very unflattering photo of her on the missing appeal.

OP If you're in a smallish place it'll be a boy/girlfriend or getting stoned.
Though you'd expect a little bit of effort with appearance if someone age fancies was involved so my money is on going out for a joint. Or whatever the kids are calling them these days.

*someone she fancies

Oh god looking back my poor mother between 18-20 I'd just disappear for 2 or more days, shagging, festivals, concerts, I even went on a city break to Stockholm because I felt like it 🙈 I was wild, and looking back all my mother ever used to get was the odd text conversation that went;

Mam: Where are you now?
Me: Alive and well
Mam: Not the question I asked...
Me: somewhere safe 🤷
Mam: CACHBOMBAY TELL ME THIS INSTANT WHERE YOU ARE!
Me: (enter venue/country/man's name's house/friend's house)
Mum: stay safe X

Or

Mum: how the hell have you ended up there, get home immediately.

Then radio silence generally till I reappeared alive and well 😂

When mine do anything that makes me nervous...such as surfing, I say "You're not allowed to die"

Hoping that the fear will keep them safe!

Bombay me too! I was a horror! I went to London to go to Drama School and one holiday, I simply never turned up on the day they were expecting me!

I'd gone to a rave and slept all day in a bloody field!

My dd (17) lives with a host family so she can attend a certain school and she has to follow house rules. Things won’t change when she turns 18. The house has to be locked up for the night.

No sorry YABU, she is 18 and is entitled to some privacy. At that age I was an awful sleeper and seemed most awake from 11pm-1am as did most of my friends so we would regularly just go for a drive and park up and chat somewhere for a couple of hours. I also had a not quite boyfriend who I couldn’t be bothered to introduce to my parents (the questions, anything but the questions) and so I would go to see him. Nothing sinister. Nothing to do with prying parents.

AnyFucker

Not really, I'm no better than any other parent who worries. There was a curfew for young people where we live. My eldest had been to an away hockey match, was dropped off round the corner and escorted home by Police.
A man was macheted in the ff place my kids went to.
You needed to know where they were and who they were with, we don't all live in lovely areas.
It's still bad, but no more curfews as the town has seen some regeneration and investment in youth.

Seriously- I don’t understand this “they are 18-they need privacy” thing. Of course they do. But people living in any sort of community need to treat each other with respect. She doesn’t have to say where she’s going, but she does have to say roughly when she’ll be back. And message if her plans change. Just like anyone else in the house.

YABU. If she wasn’t living at home you’d have no idea where she is. Don’t push the point and let the end result be she does move out.

Who pays the car insurance? A lot of young people I know who are insured have a box to monitor speed and time they use the car and they aren't supposed to drive it very late at night.

Is that curfew applicable to your daughters insurance?

I used to go out at this time when I was 17-18, I had a boyfriend who was a chef so he worked late and I used to meet him then.