Fab friend, lacks manners? What do you think?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've recently made a really nice friend. We have a DC the same age.

We get on but I'm very confused by her. She is always very helpful, a great listener etc etc, but seems to lack general manners?

For example, last week she was visiting and I offered a cup of tea. She said "Oh no". I said something along the lines of "Are you sure? I've boiled the kettle. I'll be having one. It'll be no trouble at all". Her reply was "I've said no thanks ". She looked like I was the one who was acting off!

Then again, I was going through a few things I love about my DC newly decorated nursery. I was asked what the box was in the corner and explained it was just a few bits I forgot to take back from buying at the Sale. She said "I'll have them. What's your price?".

We went shopping together too recently, and I was just having general chit chat with the till lady. General small talk, etc etc. We left the shop. Friend proceeded to ask me if I knew her. I said no. When pushed further, friend said she thought I might know her since I was very chatty with her.

Out for lunch, she didn't like the toppings of her meal. She said they weren't as described on the menu. She immediately called a waiter over and said something like "This does not taste right. I will change it if I can, for something else". I thought this was very direct!

I've also had lunch at her house and she's somehow seen a facial expression to suggest I didn't like something. She said "You don't like it. I will change it now. Give it here". I was mortified and insisted I did like it. She said I was not being truthful and to just let her change it

Again, she is very lovely, funny and helpful. A truly good friend. But for some reason she seems very odd in the manners department. What do you think?

She sounds like a breath of fresh air.

I think you're friends with my SIL. 😄

Direct isn't rude necessarily. I'd be friends with her- at least you'll always know where you stand.

Yes, you definitely wouldn't have any trouble knowing where you stand!

Bet she would give short shrift to the cheeky fuckers that we read about with depressing regularity on MN

I think you are clearly not a good friend. Nothing here seems rude, except possibly you trying to insist she has a cup of tea when she didn't want it.

Another thing! If you're going to her house and knock on the door, she doesn't stand and greet, say hello etc.

She just opens the door and walks off, continuing what she was doing before answering I feel like she's annoyed.. Then she breaks into conversation about what's going on or says what she's got going on like you'd been there and already had pleasant hellos and how are you.

I much prefer this sort of person than passive aggressive people who don't say what they mean

She is direct isn't she! But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just not what you are used to. Can I ask, is she English? Being more direct can be more common in other countries. I had a very direct Russian friend. Took some getting used to!

Why were you trying to force her to have a drink? 😂

I don't drink tea or coffee and always say "no thanks, I'm fine" when offered. Sometimes I can tell that people are offended that I'm not having one but, seriously, what do they want me to do? Accept and then just sit there holding a coffee and not drink it?

Reading your scenarios as described, I like her. Honest and straightforward. A few things call to mind elements of ASD, in terms of social cues, but equally could just be her own unique self.

If I were her, I’d perhaps be a bit hurt if I knew I was being analysed like this by my friend. You either like her or you don’t. Ask yourself - what does it really matter?

I wasn't trying to force her to drink a tea/coffee

I always double check through thinking people are being too polite/thinking it's going to make me go out of my way.

I'd value her honesty more than fake behaviour for the sake of keeping up appearances. Also I suspect she'd stand up for her friends if anyone tried to say anything behind their backs.

I'd assume she thinks you're a good enough friend not to have to give a big welcome - although I'd always say hello.

Restaurant - meh, I'd do the same. It's not bad manners, it's expecting what you ordered!!

Is it cultural?

If not then yes on the rude side for someone brought up in Britain. Whether or not it’s done with a kind heart would be the decider as to the friendship for me.

She isn't originally British, no. She is German but has lived here 5 years

I was just about to ask is she German lol

Oh dear, I open the door and wander off 🙈Most people I know just walk in anyway, they only knock if the doors locked. She seems comfortable around you, that’s all, and she sounds like my type of person 😂 Rather someone who’s direct than a bitch behind your back. These are the friends who will tell you you look shitty, not tell everyone else

I was going to say German too! They're very direct and language doesn't always translate exactly. It's a cultural difference, she doesn't mean to be rude.

I like the sound of her. She sounds friendly without all the fakeness.

She sounds like she doesn't quite get/prioritise subtle social cues whether due to neuro function or cultural difference but none of seems to be done with bad feeling so it wouldn't worry me.

Thus is so funny, I immediately thought she must be German!! Although actually, it’s not just German people who are like this - it’s very much a Central European thing. Very direct, saying what you think...

Oh just seen she's originally from Germany! Probably just that niceties don't really translate too well.

If it's any consolation, OP, if you were to go to Germany and translate everything you say word for word into German in order to communicate, people would think you were either a pushover or shifty for not getting to the point. Also that you had a very poor sense of humour.

I also thought perhaps non-English. I believe in some languages there is not even a word for thank you. Is it Danish? Cant remember but I was told that by a European who was mildly complaining about how much "British" people say please and thank you.

You seem to have confused 'manners' with 'behaving exactly the way you behave.'