Fab friend, lacks manners? What do you think?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've recently made a really nice friend. We have a DC the same age.

We get on but I'm very confused by her. She is always very helpful, a great listener etc etc, but seems to lack general manners?

For example, last week she was visiting and I offered a cup of tea. She said "Oh no". I said something along the lines of "Are you sure? I've boiled the kettle. I'll be having one. It'll be no trouble at all". Her reply was "I've said no thanks ". She looked like I was the one who was acting off!

Then again, I was going through a few things I love about my DC newly decorated nursery. I was asked what the box was in the corner and explained it was just a few bits I forgot to take back from buying at the Sale. She said "I'll have them. What's your price?".

We went shopping together too recently, and I was just having general chit chat with the till lady. General small talk, etc etc. We left the shop. Friend proceeded to ask me if I knew her. I said no. When pushed further, friend said she thought I might know her since I was very chatty with her.

Out for lunch, she didn't like the toppings of her meal. She said they weren't as described on the menu. She immediately called a waiter over and said something like "This does not taste right. I will change it if I can, for something else". I thought this was very direct!

I've also had lunch at her house and she's somehow seen a facial expression to suggest I didn't like something. She said "You don't like it. I will change it now. Give it here". I was mortified and insisted I did like it. She said I was not being truthful and to just let her change it

Again, she is very lovely, funny and helpful. A truly good friend. But for some reason she seems very odd in the manners department. What do you think?

I teach German, so have met quite a lot of German people and recognise these traits. Although I wouldn't hold directness against someone, I'm going to buck the trend and say I prefer the British manner. It oils the wheels of social interaction much more smoothly! I'm a fairly reserved, non-confrontational person and am not a massive fan of directness, even if it is more honest.

Oh, she’s German
DH is German ( been here a long time) and he can be very direct and a bit literal.
If you want really “rude” ( by British standards) you need to find a Dutch or Austrian friend

I have two Hungarian friends just like this!
It definitely took some adjusting on my part but I wouldn’t change them for the world!

You’ll acclimatize!

Just as an aside, my DH encountered someone like this working on the Reception desk of a large City firm. His name hadn’t been put on the list of visitors and she said that he wouldn’t be allowed in in a very blunt fashion.

Thankfully he was there for a meeting rather than as a client, but yeah, an easy way to piss off someone senior from another organisation. A little bit of ‘Oh, so sorry, there must have been a mistake’ would have gone a long way!

She's sounds wonderfully clear! As another Aspie I'd be delighted to come across someone who doesn't feel the need to beat around the bush and generally confuse the situation.

I'm also thinking I should learn German and move there instead.

She sounds like she is a bit on the spectrum tbh.

Or German maybe?

Oh sorry didn't read the thread!
Yes German. Par for the course.

Your friend is autistic.

Fucking hell.

I'm with slowknitter on this - I rather prefer the British way as I find overt directness anything but 'refreshing'. I'm quite gentle and it's all a bit too confrontational for my style.

It can too far the other way - my mother has never said anything direct in her entire life and I've spent 34 years trying to work out what she means. She's not passing aggressive as she is very kind and gentle but she cannot say anything direct. My DH is quite similar, he refers obliquely to anything he finds even mildly distasteful.

Hah. Even in my response I am on the fence for fear of upsetting anyone

I know I shouldn’t laugh but she’s not Autistic, she’s German !!

I like this - I had a lovely German friend who was also very direct. My non-British husband (Not a German) also thinks the British have a strange indirect manner.

Haha she sounds like my mum, and myself to a lesser extent.

I think my spirit nationality is German 😁

It’s taken years for me to train DH not to say “ no, you are wrong” to people he disagrees with. He’s currently working alongside a Polish man and apparently they both find each other refreshingly Direct.!

It's great, isn't it, after loads of people saying "typically German", you still get people saying "she's autistic."

Regardless of cultural origins, I also think the OP would be less taken aback by her friend's directness if said friend were male -- women are still socialised to more indirectness than men, especially when it comes to asking for what they want, or correcting someone else's error.

Smiled - I'll probably be called pedantic for pointing this out but whatever, a person can't be a "bit on the spectrum." Thats a completely nonsensical phrase. If there's one thing I hate about MN it's people using that phrase. I wonder how many other people are going to read the first post rather than the thread and make similar comments. That said though this thread is funny, and pretty much sums up why as an autistic person I prefer the Germans, at least they always say what they mean.

Me too Friar! 😂

Is she British?

My brother and family live in Germany so I’ve been visiting a few times a year for over 30 years. There’s a big difference between the German and British style of communication and I still notice the lack of what we would call general chit-chat when out and about and the tendency towards very direct communication like your friend’s. It’s not good to generalise but under the directness there is often the most a amazing loyalty and kindness. It takes some getting used to what with our ‘going round the houses ‘ approach to communication but once you realise it’s just different, you absolutely know where you are and appreciate the straigntforwardness and lack of ambiguity,

If you CBA to read the full thread, then at least read the OP's updates SurgeHopper

She is German.

She sounds very direct - a bit like my German relatives! It can come across as a bit curt or abrupt but I don't think anything is meant by it, I doubt they realise that people might be a bit taken aback. My stepmother talks like this and she seems a bit militant ordering people around, but it's just her way of talking, she's very considerate and thoughtful - now her kids are grown up she always works the shifts over Christmas so people with children don't have to. I didn't like her at first when I was little, but now I realise it's just a manner of speaking which comes over as direct/intimidating to people who don't know her.

I couldn’t get on with someone like that.