Fab friend, lacks manners? What do you think?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've recently made a really nice friend. We have a DC the same age.

We get on but I'm very confused by her. She is always very helpful, a great listener etc etc, but seems to lack general manners?

For example, last week she was visiting and I offered a cup of tea. She said "Oh no". I said something along the lines of "Are you sure? I've boiled the kettle. I'll be having one. It'll be no trouble at all". Her reply was "I've said no thanks ". She looked like I was the one who was acting off!

Then again, I was going through a few things I love about my DC newly decorated nursery. I was asked what the box was in the corner and explained it was just a few bits I forgot to take back from buying at the Sale. She said "I'll have them. What's your price?".

We went shopping together too recently, and I was just having general chit chat with the till lady. General small talk, etc etc. We left the shop. Friend proceeded to ask me if I knew her. I said no. When pushed further, friend said she thought I might know her since I was very chatty with her.

Out for lunch, she didn't like the toppings of her meal. She said they weren't as described on the menu. She immediately called a waiter over and said something like "This does not taste right. I will change it if I can, for something else". I thought this was very direct!

I've also had lunch at her house and she's somehow seen a facial expression to suggest I didn't like something. She said "You don't like it. I will change it now. Give it here". I was mortified and insisted I did like it. She said I was not being truthful and to just let her change it

Again, she is very lovely, funny and helpful. A truly good friend. But for some reason she seems very odd in the manners department. What do you think?

Op you sound as though you're quite uncomfortable with her honesty. As pp have said I'd prefer the truthfulness rather than the fake niceness of some people.
British/English people are very prone to saying what they don't mean. As in oh we must meet for coffee, or we must have lunch, it's bloody tiring sometimes to work out what people mean. Give me a blunt Dutch or Polish person any day

Look, OP, she’s just not playing your social game. She means what she says — she’ll say yes first time if she wants a cup of tea, she’ll ask for something to be rectified if there’s been an error, if she sees something she likes that you’re getting rid of she asks its price. She doesn’t see any reason to have a lengthy conversation with someone on the till in a shop.

None of these things are rude, she’s simply not apologetic and fluttery and indirect about what she wants.

This is what I was used to in my childhood. I want her as my friend. I find English manners so difficult and hard to navigate.

Honestly Op, she sounds great. I love direct people, but I am older and very tired of all the head game BS that people play. I'd say value her as you will always know exactly what she means/feels. As someone said up thread, 'she's a breath of fresh air.' An honest friendship is worth treasuring.

She sounds great. You sound a teeny bit like hard work, I'm afraid!

Sounds great direct, to the point and you'll always no where you stand.

Well if she’s German then I’m certain she isn’t being deliberately rude OP. Simply cultural differences.

I bet she has no idea at all she’s offended you.

Ha! I very nearly guessed German but deleted it for fear of being called a stereotyping racist.

It is cultural. I worked with a lady who was like this (only imo worse). I ended up avoiding her where possible because she made me uncomfortable. Other people loved her directness.

I just squirmed through awkward conversations where she told me my 18 month old was far too old for nappies and I was making life harder for me and him by not getting them out of the disgusting things by 12 months... etc.

She doesn't sound rude at all aside from the tea comment but that's very German.

It's cultural OP. Since moving to Oz, I've met lots of people like this. Not everyone stands on ceremony.

I like her..she sounds like me. I would open the door and walk off too. Germans are very direct and to the point. I honestly dont think she is rude at all.

She seems normal to me, some thing a bit abrupt but I fele you are being a bit sensitive for no good reason

If my friend offered to buy my unused stuff it would be great but to be honest I would probably just give it to them if I didn't want it.

I always ask my hubby/friends if they know someone if they are very chatty - just a general question.

If what she ordered wasn't what she got then good on her for sending it back.

If your friend opens the door then keeps doing what she was doing she is actually welcoming you with open arms and inviting you in as part of the family rather than 'just a friend'.

and best of all - she wanted you to have something to eat that you liked and not suffer through a meal in order to avoid offending her.

You have a great time together so you would miss her if she wasn't your friend anymore, I suggest you just start looking at things a little differently.

She's just being German, very direct! Personally I like that. Used to work overseas and had several German friends/colleagues, who'd just tell you something straight. Example...I had my hair highlighted (badly) at a trendy salon and one friend didn't sugar coat her opinion: "Your hair looks like shit, you need to go back and complain!" She was dead right!

Embrace the directness, you'll always know where you stand.

This sounds like a you problem. Your friend sounds like my kind of person...

I live in the USA and Americans are very direct and unflowery like that too, at first I thought they were being off or brusquely rude but in return I found out they found my apologetic English beating around the bush to be a bit wearing. Say what you mean, mean what you say. I like it. It’s rubbed off on me apparently, I raise all kinds of polite Brit eyebrows in extended family when I come back to visit.

As soon as I read the OP I wondered if she was German! Mum has a German ex colleague she keeps in touch with, she was direct too and it took them both a while to get used to each others ways!

Every post of yours OP, she was reminding me of a wonderful German friend of mine! So funny that she is German. It's so good to know where you are with someone.

Entirely explained in your update to say she is German. Direct communication - to the point of bluntness by Anglo standards - is valued by German culture. Also explains her being mystified by you making small talk with the woman on the till and being annoyed by you asking more than once if she wanted tea.

It’s just a cultural difference and 5 years isn’t that long to get used to British norms. Up to you if you want to keep navigating the differences or end the friendship I guess but if it’s any help, she doesn’t sound rude by the standards of a German so I wouldn’t see her behaviour as a character flaw, just different values.

Also, I would say that she is trying hard to adapt in her own way judging by your anecdote about her assuming that you were unhappy with a lunch she had made and insisting she get you something else. She is probably working quite hard to figure out when English people are unhappy about something but not willing to say so. It's something a lot of continental Europeans have trouble with when they live in the UK because it is a culture of indirect communication where people hedge their words compared to most other European cultures.

I was going to pick German 😂 we have a few German friends. Combination of directness and language can at times make it seem they are being rude, but I have known them long enough to realise it's not intentional.

In think you just have to accept that this is how she is. She is probably as baffled by your behaviour as you are by hers.

I was going to ask if she was Dutch, but German would explain it too

If you like her, I'd ignore her being brusk. It might grate after a while though.

She’s German. There’s your answer. They don’t go through all the same bloody posturing and shenanigans we Brits do. Think I need a holiday to Germany.

She sounds like she may be on the spectrum? I don't think she means to be rude, but they are very characteristic.

I live in the USA and Americans are very direct and unflowery like that too, at first I thought they were being off or brusquely rude but in return I found out they found my apologetic English beating around the bush to be a bit wearing

You are painting Americans with a very broad brush. We are many cultures/races here. You can't honesty think that rural Alaskans and inner-city African Americans share the same culture for instance. Or that liberal coasties and ranchers/farmers are alike?