Fab friend, lacks manners? What do you think?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've recently made a really nice friend. We have a DC the same age.

We get on but I'm very confused by her. She is always very helpful, a great listener etc etc, but seems to lack general manners?

For example, last week she was visiting and I offered a cup of tea. She said "Oh no". I said something along the lines of "Are you sure? I've boiled the kettle. I'll be having one. It'll be no trouble at all". Her reply was "I've said no thanks ". She looked like I was the one who was acting off!

Then again, I was going through a few things I love about my DC newly decorated nursery. I was asked what the box was in the corner and explained it was just a few bits I forgot to take back from buying at the Sale. She said "I'll have them. What's your price?".

We went shopping together too recently, and I was just having general chit chat with the till lady. General small talk, etc etc. We left the shop. Friend proceeded to ask me if I knew her. I said no. When pushed further, friend said she thought I might know her since I was very chatty with her.

Out for lunch, she didn't like the toppings of her meal. She said they weren't as described on the menu. She immediately called a waiter over and said something like "This does not taste right. I will change it if I can, for something else". I thought this was very direct!

I've also had lunch at her house and she's somehow seen a facial expression to suggest I didn't like something. She said "You don't like it. I will change it now. Give it here". I was mortified and insisted I did like it. She said I was not being truthful and to just let her change it

Again, she is very lovely, funny and helpful. A truly good friend. But for some reason she seems very odd in the manners department. What do you think?

She says what I think.

She seems to struggle with social cues from what you've said.
Some people struggle to understand intricate facial expressions. How to say something and not sound blunt. Why you chit chat for no reason. Socially we are very complex creatures and if you miss cues slightly or struggle slightly to read cues it can make you appear slightly odd or inappropriate.
I think you need to take a direct approach with her. Say or ask exactly what you mean. Do you want this yes or no. For example.
She will continue to get things wrong or slightly off but learn to shrug them off as just her thing.

I'd still find it a bit rude, even if I understood it was cultural.

I once worked with a German who looked at me in the middle of a meeting and said "You didn't brush your hair today?" My manager was like "you can't say that!" and it turns out he wasn't being rude, he genuinely thought I hadn't and was quite taken aback at our shocked reactions. We had to explain that even if you thought it, you didn't say it! He thought that was ridiculous. I was fuming though, my hair was tied up and everything!

Haha, I was going to ask if she was Dutch! My sister lived in The Netherlands for years and the interactions you described brought back some happy memories.

I like the sound of her, she sounds great. Pussyfooting around us strangulated Brits must be bloody exhausting

My German friend said “you smell lovely”. I said “thank you.” She said “why would you thank me? I didn’t do anything, it was probably your perfume.

Another about ask if she was Dutch.:o

Of course she's German! I have Dutch and Russian friends who seem perpetually exhausted by British niceties.

I agree that she doesn't sound rude at all. When I read the OP I thought she sounded unusual but not rude and now we know she wasn’t raised in the U.K. it all makes sense.

She sounds like a good friend OP.

It sounds like a cultural difference. The best thing would be to be just as direct back. so when she asks how much the price of your items is, just tell her it’s the price on the item, you don’t need to feel awkward about it.

I think either approach can be good. Sometimes you need a direct opinion, sometimes you need someone to just be nice to keep the peace. I used to find the endless 'refreshing honesty' exhausting to deal with in Germany sometimes. If you're having a bad day, sometimes it can brighten things up to get a smile from someone, or a 'how are you?' or a quick joke, even if it's not always 100% sincere. These brisk 'breath of fresh air' folks can be draining to be around.

It does sound like your friend is making an effort to meet you halfway though and she certainly is not intending to give offense.

I think I need to move to Germany, I’m direct and prefer people to get to the point. MIL is about as British as they come and for her to get to the point takes forever and a day.

I think I need some German friends. I like the sound of being that blunt

She's not your type of person and if you're going to be questioning every little thing then I'd knock the friendship on the head now.

I think she sounds wonderful but I love having different friends with different backgrounds and quirks..much more interesting!

Manners are not about your cultural norms.

Manners are saying please thank you etc which she seems to have.

She sounds fine to me just direct. Us irish and british are too polite to eachother and get caught up too much with what we think is ignorant

Ah, she's German. I was going to ask if she was Dutch! I love their approach to life. Less dithering, less fuss, more straightforward, less likely to lie to your face. The best kind of people to get things done and make non-confrontational complaints!

Your friend sounds great, you just need to learn her approach, and if she says yes or no, or makes an offer it's because she really means it - she's not being British polite!

I fucking HATE when I’m offered a drink and decline, and people just can’t take no for an answer

You sound like the weird friend.

Us irish and british are too polite to eachother and get caught up too much with what we think is ignorant

Speak for yourself, Slippie -- I was brought up by a mother of the rural Irish generation who felt that directness was horrifically wrong, especially in women and children, so that the offer a cup of tea when visiting had to be turned down a minimum of three times with increasing pleas of sincerity about having just had your breakfast, being in a terrible rush etc before it could be accepted, and then the same pantomime had to be undergone if you accepted anything from a digestive to a three-course meal.

The sheer exhaustingness of this and of course its flipside, that my mother never believes people actually say what they mean, which means she produces banquets for horrified visitors who are on their way to a restaurant or about to miss a flight, when they have been very clear about why they can't stay has made my sisters and I very, very direct.

But to this day, if I am back at home, and visiting someone with my mother, and they offer tea, and I say I'd love some, my mother is as shocked as if I'd flashed the room.

My German friend said “you smell lovely”. I said “thank you.” She said “why would you thank me? I didn’t do anything, it was probably your perfume.

love this!!

I was going to ask if she was British, I see everyone got there before me. Heavens knows what they are saying in Europe about British people. “I’ve just realised my British friend has been desperately thirsty, I offered a drink but they said not to go to any bother, what do they want?”

I have a German friend who is really similar. We've had a long and interesting friendship. Your friend sounds great.

Silly question, OP, but did it not occur to you that her directness was probably down to cultural differences?!

I once had a job that involved teaching adult students from England, Holland, France and Germany in the same class. The other (non British) teachers were horrified that, despite students being involved in decision making and being asked several times a day how they felt things were going, if they needed anything to be changed etc (eg. where they were sitting, timing of breaks, meals, availability of drinks/refreshments, pace of the lessons etc) post course feedback forms from the Brits always included loads of complaints/suggestions for improvement that were never voiced in class. They were totally perplexed by my explanation that many of us will put up with quite a lot that we are not happy with rather than face the possibility of seeming to be awkward/upsetting our host- yet behind someone's back the same people will often be incredibly critical. I have to say I preferred the German way- working with them was refreshing!

Thank you for the answers! Apart from someone calling me a 'weird' friend upthread

I've realised it really is just cultural differences. I'm really interested in visiting Germany soon so I might see for myself if lots of them are like this!

I'm from a Mediterranean background so European like Germany - They are quite direct in their opinions but they're incredibly pushy with food. Ridiculously so. They love to feed.

However, the say things like "How much did you spend on your hair? It looks not so good".

Or the worst I've ever had, from my grandmother on my wedding day. "And how much did you pay for that? It looks shit" - In reference to my Bridal hair and make up 30 minutes before I was due to walk down the aisle

I wouldn’t enjoy that in a friend, to be honest. I could choose to be blunt and borderline rude too, but I don’t. If someone comes to my house or we meet for a coffee, I try to make them feel special and appreciated. That encompasses how I greet them, the hospitality I provide and making sure that we talk about things that are of interest to them.

Life can be harsh and a bit shit. So if I have made the effort to see a friend I need a bit of charm and politeness to smooth off the rough edges of the day.

Honestly, I think this level fo directness is true in almost every country EXCEPT Britain. As an expat myself, I still, after 20 years, find the mildly horrified looks on people's faces when I say something completely mild and no big deal, bizarre. even just things like admitting publicly that we had fertility problems always generates at least a few shocked faces - you'd think I was mentioning my favourite sexual position over a cup of tea and a scone!