I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Life is very unfair and I want to be 26
again!

So...directions to the fountain of youth appreciated.

Ta.

Wait why do you have some spare animal tranquilizers?

Oh Project well spotted. I'm not sure we can kidnap him, he might be one of us. We're not very feminine anymore 67 we've been enjoying ourselves for weeks now rolling round in slankets and scratching ourselves. Perhaps it's one of us you fancy by accident? Is he Australian?

I would also like to be 26 again! I didn't appreciate it at the time and thought I was quite old.

Come back 67 no one is too old or too young in Thighland. That includes this offering you are going to kidnap for us.

Do you have a steady supply of animal tranquilizers, so useful.

Yes Small but we discovered yesterday while watching Silence of the Lambs that nearly all young people are eaten by cannibals. Fact.

I was too beautiful, it was a fearsome burden.

It's a long story penguin (basically we had a sociopathic pet)

I suppose I should dispose of them but...you never know when you might need to drug a sexy teacher someone!

He is not Australian. Thank God. His eyes, forearms, tattoos and and Australian accent?

I'd be a gibbering, drooling wreck!

Exactly Project all young people run the risk of being marinaded and eaten. I sleep soundly in the knowledge i am now perfectly safe.

I have a slanket!!

I do NOT wear it and pretend to be jedi knight with the kids toy lightsabres. Nope

I was hot at 26.

Youth is wasted on the young!

67 the slanket is our national costume in Thighland. All other clothing has been disposed of. We've decided on hospital gowns for summer.

(Arse MUST be hanging out)

I am unfeasibly attractive now. How could I not be with all of these tattoos?

Arse access is important.

For many varied reasons.

Shall I being the animal tranqs?

67 should you bring incapacitating drugs? Totes.

Have you got an integral garage, a mincing machine, some plastic sheeting, some pigs and a patio? We are sorted for those but can always use more.

I need arse hanging out for temperature control.

I am keen to get a slanket but have you really done away with all lounge wear and PJs? What do we wear on the school run/dog walking?

Whatever the fuck we like Small, whatever the fuck.

But mainly slankets.

I am also glad of arses out for temperature control! Thought it was only me!!

I do feel Slankets are the only answer other than our summer uniform of hospital gowns or naked plus Sombrero!

I have been in hospital for a week and the entire ward smells like shit and I haven’t washed my hair in forever and now look like Gollum. Any advice welcome

Bacardi put on sunglasses and pretend you're relaxing on a sunlounger.

bacardi that dry shampoo is very good for your hair.

Ach Bacardi channel Gollum and ask a nurse for a juicy raw fish. Also if you have hair you don't look like Gollum. Also you are presumably lying down so that's a win. And finally, are you getting better? I hope so. And if not, I insist that you do. So there.

Bacardi also waft your lace hanky under your nose.