I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Sweet, it would be foolhardy to go into work, but if you do go in, could you faint dramatically at around 9.30? Your colleagues will feel admiration for your bravery and determination, but once you are sent home they will not expect you to be back for ages.

Pooter excellent point. Germs are GOOD for us. (Unless they’re tonsillitis germs, in which case they should definitely be kept at home).

thigh the dark lord sends his love and asks if you know where his crossbow went

Ah, project, you have it in a nutshell! Germs can be both friend and foe.

But where is Getting

I miss me ole cobber, calling me Danga and having a few coldies at the barbie down by the billabong with her and me old mate Kylie.

Sweet resist any offers of smelling salts.

Project we swapped. I gave him your car keys.

Dangly could Getting be out fighting her bushfire?

I've told her to get a topical lotion at the chemist but she says she got the crabs from Ivan Milat and that means she's famous.

Oh yes that'll be it, I remember now, she said she needed to get around to be treating her crotch area for crabs and fungal infections, or wait ... was that me?

Sweet on top of all the other advice, you sound a right state and your colleagues don't want you near them with your sweat and pussy tonsils.

Also, here is a real life story. I was like you once, never took any time off. Then one day I saw the sickness records for the team I worked in. All the other fuckers had several days off a year at least and I'd never even noticed. I'm a reformed character these days. You're not indispensable at work. None of us is.

Royal I'm on my way. What shall we tel them about the collars? Let's stick with the usual story about the all inclusive holiday they've won. You'll have to come in the bus with me otherwise it will look suspicious, but we can stop at Little Chef on the way back and have an Olympic Breakfast. I'm just sad it's not still Happy Eater because then we would have got a free Drumstick Lolly at the end, I'll buy us some for old time's sake.

My sissy of a partner has IBS and clearly ate something that disagrees with him.
But the fuckwit wont admit that. Oh no.

I shall just turn off all the lights and pretend the mess isn't there.

He'll have to go on the roof rack Royal, I'm not having him shitting himself on the bus, it will interfere the slanket piss air freshener effect, but don't worry, I'll make it sound like a man treat.

That sounds ideal.

Thislido what?! No Happy Chef? Little Chef - what was the smiley fucker with the breakfasts called?

I'm only just recovering from the demise of Woolworth, ah it takes me down memory lane. The pick n mix was my introduction to shoplifting.

Royal has your husband been shitting up my car too? It's a right state and I'm not cleaning it, I'll throw it away before I do that.

Could you ask him please not to shit up my fucking car, it's rude.

He sounds like a right whore and I'm going to come round and punch him in the arse.

Mine too, I got caught once!

Wear a rubber glove, Thigh, his arse is all shitty.

Thislido never got caught, am undeterred.

Shall I wear a rubber glove? Are you going to? Are you up for a bit of arse punching, it is Wednesday after all.

Is Klepto out organ harvesting again? Or just on the piss?

I hope Getting has spent a restful day somewhere with stick on eyes.

Project has Barry sorted the whiner?

I think if I punch him it might impede my ability to lure him away in the bus. Maybe you can punch him and I can "rescue" him and Hellen can "arrest" you.

*Thislido8 cunning, the old arse punch n rescue n "arrest" routine.

lido Barry has made himself a nest underneath my desk. When people approach us, he likes to leap out at them, barking. I’m pretty sure I’ve been demoted, but HR are too scared to come and tell me.

The nest sounds cosy. I’d get in there with him if I were you.