I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Pooter is he like Caractacus Potts? Could he build us a child catching vehicle for Thislido she has a DBS.

I used to have a CRB but i just don't want that level of potential responsibility.

Thanks for the welcome danglý! I am feeling quite at home here.
Sorry thigh, I am old, but not stupidly old. However I can tell you about Churchill and his habits without fear of contradiction, since everyone is dead now. I belief he would agree that "A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke."
Childcatcher. Not a chance. See above. But rubbish absorber? Yes indeedy.
Sorry project, I misabbreviated you. I believe this is literal violence. I gave weight to the Gainsborough aspect, being northerly. No we do not roll cheeses in these parts, that would be insanity. But we do have a sausage festival if that helps.

The cheese rolling is in Gloucestershire and that is North of me therefore constitutes Northern.

Now the sausage festival sounds intriguing as long as not a celebration of men. There's quite enough of that already.

No thigh, it is a ferociously gender neutral festival where women are encouraged to eat fatty foods and drink pints. Some could call this ridiculously PC, but don't knock 'til you've tried it. It is supposed to be to celebrate local food, but in reality there is a massive lard mountain that the locals are trying to shift before Brexit.

I think i would like a sausage festival. I might venture out (only on a sunny day of course, them's the rulz)

I was also in awe of the painting eyes on one's eyelids suggestion. I have only ever tried white marbles with pupils drawn on in sharpie sellotaped to my eye sockets when trying to look interested in what clients are telling me at work. I think the new suggestion would save me the task of cutting all the sellotape out of my hair each time.

Yet it is brilliant dangly, if only I hadn't given up wearing make up years ago perhaps I would have stumbled upon it sooner. Thighland is already improving my life!

It is so peaceful here. I think I'll just.....lie down for a bit.

Caroline do you know what? I think I will also partake of a little snooze, do you have a slanket?

Pooter we are quite a violent people, with so much inner peace and tranquillity. It's an odd juxtaposition but works beautifully. The more you feel your Inner Thigh the more you enjoy life. From your pissy slanket of course.

Dangly you just mentioned clients there, i thought you called them punters?

I think I'll put myself down for a snack n nap.

I do indeed have a slanket!! I should have known I'd find my way here eventually.
Snack n nap is a foolproof combination, it exceeds the sum of its parts in a non scientific and mysterious way. See also ham n pickle.

Oh yeah soz thigh I was just trying to be posh!

I meant the 'Punters'. Example when they are boring me, bleating on with 'My wife doesn't understand me' shizz and I just want to get on with my rugby ball trick in peace!

Sometimes I get too close on purpose and then poke them in the eye with my stick on willy. That'll learn em!

Dangly ah yes, willy in the eye, that old chestnut. Always billed as an accident but actually an aggressive act.

Yes indeed Caroline I could not agree with you more and I may also partake of a ham and pickle sandwich soon, thanks for the reminder.

< goes back down for nap 2 >

I'm a victim of poor planning and unexpected greed here. The dogs and i have just eaten the last 6 biscuits as a post nap snack. Thescos isn't delivering until 8 which leaves a gap of almost 4 hours between snax. It's biscuit gappage, will have to access my dromedary supplies.

So far I've put myself down for mid morning and mid afternoon naps. Am i due an evening nap? Can anyone remember what babies do? They're selfish and piss themselves so quite Thigh in their own curdled whey.

All I can remember of babies is that they just go about annoying everyone by keeping people awake when they would rather be asleep but then conversely having a random nap when the nurse wants to weigh them at clinic or when you want them to be cute for any reason whatsoever. Those will be the only times you can be guaranteed they will definitely go to sleep!

I quite liked being Gainsborough. I felt exotic

Vis a vis babies, thigh are you prepared to bounce energetically in your cot between the hours of 11pm-5am? If not I’d forget the baby thing and just go with your own napping whims.

But, a little out there, but think about it, get a fuckboy to drive you round and round during the wee small hours. If stopped by the police, he says "Sorry officer, she just won't settle". Naturally there will be a body in the back but you probably guessed that, hmm?

Wow Caroline you are sooo thigh!! You just shook me with your thighness!!

Not to be confused with 'Your Thighness' of course, who is our blessed thigh, knower of everything and provider of Thighland our th'nation.

Dangly, I would not aspire to even touch the hem of thighs slanket ! But I am honoured to watch and learn. Thighland is the promised land for me, previously only glimpsed in dreams.

Pooter you may approach, all of you come forward and fondle Lord Thigh and the hem of her pissy slanket.

I'm so very proud of you all sisters, we have saved ourselves from the ruined ashes of this wretched world by sheer lack of willpower and great reverse improvement.

We are the No Movement Movement

Thigh, I approach with gratitude.
I recant from Less is More. No Movement whispers in my heart.