I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

I can’t give up my pigs. And this slanket is so pissy and warm

It’s them that are weird, project.

I can probably borrow a neighbour’s camper van to collect them tomorrow. How many are there, so I know for the —training collars— ‘special bow ties’?

Ok my advert has a picture of a dog's face and it says "ditch the can* "pooch & mutt".

Dog food?

Which is fine as i like both dogs and food.

Nowt else mind.

Thislido it's hard to tell, they all look the same to me. 4 or 5 i think and take her husband too would you please? He's so cheery and friendly, I'm sick of saying hello to him. It's been fucking 20 years, why do we have to keep saying hello?

Does she need to go on ‘a holiday’ too?

I’m just thinking I could tell them they’ve won a camper van and a stay at Centre Parcs but they must wear the all conclusive collars to get in. Once there, Naked’s scientific electric fence will keep them in. Save myself the drive.

All inclusive collars.

All conclusive sounds a bit sinister and they might get suspicious.

Oh Thislido you are on fire! I'll send them a poem re holiday winning / campervan. All conclusive collars, vg. After they're dead, I'll knock down their fence and double the size of my garden. I'll steal their dogs too, who prefer me anyway.

And I'll piss on their offensive play structure.

I was thinking we could burn effigies on the structure but might that attract adverse attention

Thislido yes, quietly does it. We can crayon a receipt from them for purchasing their garden. If it do it in blue it will look official. I'll draw a dog paw print in the corner like a notary seal. That makes it legal, the garden expansion.

Thislido we've inadvertently solved Project's house problem too. We just crayon a contract in blue and she tells some rich arsebucket that he agreed to buy her house and he'd better pay up now.

When have crayoned certificates NOT been the solution to a problem?

I looked in my back garden and all the recycling is all over the lawn, sorry *lawn". At first i thought - "bloody Storm Freya, what's she like the saucy mare!". I almost chortled and rubbed my belly in a circular motion like Big Ears.

NO! That's what they wanted me to think, I've been lulled into a false sense of security. It's an attack, a warning.

You need to put a flag on the top of the castle.

Just wondering if one of you is my neighbour and trying to save themselves from all conclusive shock collars and a one way trip to centre parcs.

It can't be you Project because these children wave innocently and say hello. That's what sickens me most really, if only they had some integrity and called me a slanket pissing fat old slag to my face we could have a battle.

If it was the Dark Lord in Training we'd just have a duel and be done with it. There's an honesty to his ferocity that i admire, he'd probably piss on my slanket too.

We understand each other's weaknesses. He'd smoke my last fag, I'd hide his safe cracking tools.

How we'd laugh, eyeing each other's jugular veins.

Thislido it can't be you as you're a child catcher. You have a van and release them into the wild whilst carrying around a chip pan for chips or repelling. I'm safe with you, plus steady supply of chips.

It isn't me, my children all grew up somehow. No monstrosities in the garden.

I do have a step child but it also grew up and won't be playing out any time soon, it only sleeps and watches Netflix in a darkened room with bottles of whisky at it's side.

Look at the strewn rubbish like tea leaves. Maybe it foretells something specific?

Dangly I knew it wouldn't be you, you're too busy with your rugby ball routine. Plus you're just too lazy, let's face it. You're a shining example of having a large Inner Thigh.

Thislido of course! Silly of me, I didn't think to see if there was a message in the arrangement of the rubbish. I thought the rubbish itself was the message.

I'll have to find a rubbish diviner, down a pier possibly. A lady in a headscarf who looks at the tasteful necklace from Argos saying "Thigh" around my neck and divines that my name begins with a T.

Thank you thigh I know, my inner thigh has grown so much more in the last two weeks than I could ever have hoped for, all thanks to following the path of thighism. You are truly a th'spiritual guru thigh and I am gratheful.

Oooooh OOOOooooh I am getting a message through from the rubbish, OOoooooh it is saying 'Please remove next doors friendly children from our vicinity before we lose our shit'

Yes, that could be it. It’s a warning to the children that they will be strewn if they don’t do as they’re told and out on the all conclusive collars.