I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

What would Barry do?

Barry would do the whining voice and roll his eyes for sure.

Then he’d ride into the office on a chariot of pigs like Daenerys from Game of Thrones. But with pigs instead of dragons.

Time to delegate to Barry.

Barry for PM

Tricky Project how did this managee tell you she cba? Did she just say "listen mate, fuck off, i can't be arsed"? Or did she do a poorly voice and a poorly shuffle?

If the former then, i want you to have her brought to my lair, i will recruit this beacon of hope.

If the latter, I'm disgusted. I can't bear poorly voices, poorly sighs, poorly shuffles or poorly farts. They bring out the psychopath in me.

If she’d have said ‘listen mate fuck off,’ I’d have resigned then and there. My work would be done. I would have created my protege.

She did the shuffly whingy thing instead and now I’m stuck with the bastard job some more.

I know from personal experience that nothing will help you motivate this woman. People have tried it with me, I've broken many a manager. They've tried pay rises, extra responsibilities, less responsibilities, no responsibilities, threats, understanding.

Nothing stops me from pissing in my slanket and taking 2 hour lunches, nothing. I have no shame, I'll take 2 weeks off sick and come back with a tan.

I need an army of brazen piss stained shirkers! Where are they?

Oh wait. They’re here.

But it's the shuffle Project it's kryptonite. This is why I'm not allowed to get married ever again. If someone shuffles or does a poorly cough near me. Well, let's just say every day becomes a Friday.

Don’t even start on coughing ‘husbands’. Just remove your lungs and stop complaining.

What would the Dark Lord in Training do with this shuffling creature.

He'd scent blood, he'd go for the kill. The Lord senses weakness.......he strikes.

Oh goodness yes, a sick "husband" eww 😝

Fairly certain I'm not legally allowed near plugs on life support machines. Just frugal, saving on the leccy innit.

I think he’d lie on the floor and scream. It’s certainly a tactic worth considering.

Anyway, wtaf?! We're working on your demotion! If this woman says she can't do something just say "whatever" and get her to fetch your dry cleaning, go to the post office for your personal shizz and fetch your coffee and lunch. That's what a man would do.

She can get your shoes reheeled and return your online clothes shopping.

Actually my gimp mask does want picking up from the fetish shop

Project See! And your Kylie shorts and stick on willy. Turn that frown upside down!

Better already. We’re you bothered by the cheerful small humans today thigh? Did muttering obscenities deter them somewhat?

If they are undeterred, could you pop an anonymous letter through next door, purporting to be from a third party, making vague and unsubstantiated allegations about yourself, that might make childminder neighbour think twice about ‘exposing’ the little dears to you.

Thankfully Project the weather was largely filthy and i saw no cheerful disgustoes.

Dangly don't be shy about your rugby ball trick, you did go all the way to Bangkok to learn it from the ping pong balls bar girls. Blow your trumpet too!

Project, tomorrow is a new day. You can go in, be Barry, and confuse the hell out of her.

Thislido should this note be in crayon? More menacing? I was thinking of the boiling oil too. What if I build an even taller structure 18 foot high and bellow "hello" back at them with a really, really scary face. And orange peel fangs.

Could you erect something offensive in your garden? Perhaps Dangly and I could come there to ‘rehearse’ on our way to the labour club

In crayon, on a Thinking of You card.

The boiling oil is effective and, as you spotted, doubles up as a chip pan.