I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Ooh yes I’d love a stick on willy!

I'm worried about the guests thing. It's against everything we stand for - but if it's one of us...

Where does it end though? Do we tidy up and stop pissing in our slankets? What if there is a demand for a cup of tea?

I'm just not sure, I've been a strict adherent to the No Guests rule for so very long.

Reg thanks for popping the stick on willy by but could you put it through the letter box please cos I'm just not ready for Guests.

It's just this one time thigh just for my lobotomy

Perhaps we make a rule that we can have guests ONLY when we’ve pissed in our slankets? They’re hardly likely to come back, are they?

Dangly OK, you do need the lobotomy and let's not make a habit of it. Before we know it we will have become normal again if we start letting guests in willy willy.

My tiny dog has pissed on my slanket, will that do?

Project ah - such a good rule. You always talk sense, it's a shame you no longer have anyone to manage. Have we decided upon circus training or are you going to be a stripper with a stick on willy?

Klepto have you pissed on the tiny dog?

My dogs and I piss on each other constantly - it's a sign of affection and keeps the heating bills down and the guests away.

Do you know, I have never pissed on the tiny dog. He is very very smol and if I did he would probably drown. Mind you the big dog has and he was ok. He'd probably enjoy it, he's quite the pervy little toad as it is. Plays the lothario at dog day care, he never discriminates either.

I'm against the lobotomy idea because of my aversion to pain I mentioned. I will just struggle on with my brain as it is for now, maybe I can wear a nylon jumper under my slanket and build up some static for an electric shock therapy? This does avoid the guest problem.

I don't feel that I need a lobotomy, I become more stupid the longer I stay indoors. I watch nothing but trash TV and only read the back of Monster Munch packets.

With this rainy weather we could be stuck inside for days. Actually I do go to work but I won't get any sensible conversation there. There are plenty of insane managers and would be managers, my co-worker who spells curry with a K and the children.

Small this intrigues me, is the co worker who writes kurrie being ironic? Are they American?

Definitely no more management, even if it’s only circus monkeys - it’s the gold shorts and dangly knob for me.

The pervy dog sounds like an excellent keeper away of guests. I want one.

Small curry with a K is truly upsetting. Do they not eat curry? Go to restaurants? Have eyes??

Thigh I’ve been pondering. I feel you have given us so much. Is there anything we can do for you?

Project you'll find a range of vibrating eggs on the Love Honey website. Thigh collects them by the dozen

Excellent suggestion getting. I have a couple tucked away in my gold shorts. Will give them a polish and send them on.

What! Fuck fuck eggs! I want chocolate! And cake.

Fuck fuck eggs or chocolate?

I can’t do both, I gave up my job to do the bearded Kylie dancing.

With sticky willy. Chocolate, no fuck fuck eggs. Please

Which came first? The fuck fuck egg or the fuck fuck chicken?

Project now, to your resignation letter. What to say, in crayon. I'm thinking:

Boss, it's not so much that i dislike you, although I do. What really disturbs me the most is how stupid you are. Bye.

Boss

Your management style has inspired me to become a bearded Kylie dancer with a stick on willy. I've been jizzing on your sandwiches for years.

No one is convinced by your toupee.

Boss

When i had that brilliant idea re petty cash you said "hmm, let's hang that on a mental spacehook".

That was the day i decided to start pissing in my slanket and on my phone.