I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

SmallChook's dh obvs, who TF is SmallChuck ???

< smashes phone with axe >

I believe any woman who spawns more than 2 childers gets a medal. Just like the old days, back then it was 5 though.

Yay yay, can I have a medal, yourroyalthighness I have said 5!

Also, have you seen CTMW? I rather think it acts as a contraceptive!

project my eldest is 10 and a good child... the 5 year old on the other hand is definitely a protege for the dark lord.

I have a DBS too what with being a nursery nurse. I don't much like my own kids at the minute though and like small am a lax parent.

I have 3, and the last one was nearly 11lbs. I definitely deserve a medal and for the NHS to pay for a designer vagina after they made me shove the baby out telling me he wouldn't be big!

Is the dark lord in training taking on underlings to train? I think second child would be a great candidate. She's very cute and very aware of how to use it to make people think she couldn't possibly be the one being naughty. When her cuteness fails she is also very good at crying to try and get her own way.

On second thoughts, if we got her and the dark lord in training together, they might manage to take over the world. We call her destroyer of worlds

luaa i feel your 2nd child and mine would get on well.
Mine is called demon. She actually answers to demon. She goes to a Catholic school and asked her teacher of she could touch the holy water. Teacher said of course, demon said "i can't. I'll sizzle"
That was an interesting conversation at home time!

Royal I think perhaps we should do everything we can to keep them apart. The two of them and dark lord in training could defeat us all.

Unless we can convince them that loyalty to their mums must always come first? Train them as a tiny army?

Can you give me the winner of this afternoon's 16:40 888Sport Handicap Hurdle race at Doncaster please? I would like to place all my life savings on one of the runners but only the one which will win. Please make it quick as I have to take my mother to get her nails trimmed at the butcher's on the way so time is tight.

luaa we shall have to keep them seperated. Mine has no loyalty to me whatsoever, despite being a clone. She only looks out for herself.

Al2O3 its 42. Well, thats the answer to life the universe and everything isn't it?

AI203 winners of the tricast, in order, will be Hello Dandy, Greasepaint and Corbiere.

I do like the idea of a child army based at centre parcs and basically running loose until needed for various missions. Some sort of electronic collar may be needed to control them. Hopefully no-one will read this and revoke my dbs.

My dd is 14 and thanks to my lax parenting comes and goes as she pleases. She has been at Costa with her friends all morning 'revising' she only returns to eat, sleep and watch netflix in bed, so she is far less bother than my 'husband'.

A12O3 your mother gets her nails trimmed the the butchers? That sounds promising. Tell us more about her. Have you inherited any interesting traits?

Shhh naked, over 3 and you get a lobotomy rather than a medal.

Thislido the lobotomy comes first surely?

Naked did you spawned them, or CLONE them?

There must be a way to monetise all these demon children. Come on thisters, we need to pay for Royal’s new vagina.

luaa the dark lord has no loyalty to anything except chocolate and Dan TDM.

Start our own demolition company?

I think we should stack them all one on top of the other and use them as a human pyramid. Not for profit, but just because it would amuse me.

project destroyer of worlds is also loyal to chocolate. Perhaps that's how we can control them?

I mean, I’m not that keen on sharing my chocolate but we could hang a square on a tree and see if they form their own human pyramid.

Wax arses have to be stored on a model arse at night, in the manner of a wig on a wooden head.

Important question: if one were to murder one’s husband and use co-op for the funeral, might the resulting vouchers be spent on wine and monster munch? Asking for a friend.

Right, I've had time to ponder the "making our evil spawn create wealth for us" conundrum. Let's not reinvent the wheel. I have researched small people in history doing useful things:

Oompa Loompas. Worked in a chocolate factory.

Lilliputians. Tied a man up.

Artful Dodger and co. Pickpocketed

Munchkins. Did fuck all. Not a good example

The Seven Dwarves. Mined stuff.

@MysticReg
You don't get vouchers or points from a co-op funeral, but you do get money off the funeral costs if you have a co-op card, so definitely sign up for the card before the murder.