I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Luaa as your noisy child woke you you should throw cornflakes on the floor to warn you of it's approach and sleep till noon.

Borrow Gettings mask and wear it as you sleep to prevent an approach too. Fear is a learning experience.

I like lido’s suggestion of centre parcs. An idyllic childhood with no natural predators. How responsible of us.

I too have a dbs (expired). I’ll look into hiring a bus now - see you in an hour luaa

Project we could use the bus to export the childers to Centre Parcs. All of them, the Dark Lord in Training would naturally be their leader, he would be so happy to have his own army.

Thigh I object to being associated with Spearmint Rhino I have only ever shaken my tassels at the late Mr Stringfellow's gaff.

Aw I miss old Stringy and his wandering hands.

You could take some pigs along with the kids and let them recreate their own Lord of the Flies centreparcs

MadauntofA that's the spirit! But would we have pre-programmed the pigs to attack - just a bit, to keep them in line. The Dark Lord in Training will get bored if he doesn't have a worthy opponent.

Dangly but I've seen you there! I've put Thighland Yen in your drawers!

Thigh no that was in Stringfellows, it was the night when you did that strip club crawl, I was performing in the 'fetish' corner remember? Was billed as 'Auld Bag'.

DanglyTassles ah of course, how silly of me. I mix up all my fetish corners. I'm searching for strippers with shiny wax arses on their arses and a fur full head mask.

Oh thigh if you are looking for strippers, look no further. I am naked all the time, have furry bits and there's no dearth of wobbly areas.

My sexual proclivity is sitophillia. Beige or otherwise.

Naked i feel so drawn to you. Do you have a shiny wax arse on top of your arse a la Kardashian? That is my nirvana.

Naked jelly and custard?

I do have problems Oh thigh.

I'm in bed, waiting for " husband" to bring my breakfast in bed and I cannot decide whether to watch Call the Midwife or carry on MNing which may require toe dipping into gasp... AIBU.

thigh I can be the jelly to your custard.

Oh Naked what terrible options. Don't go to AIBU, there's nothing for you there, your friends are here. In Thighland, don't you feel the thorce?

I thought of myself as Custer, but you're correct. Custard is more me.

I eschew the wax arse in bed, too slippery when eating breakfast in bed at the week end.

Great for getting up quickly in the morning though ...... Not that I ever do that, sooo unthigh.

Cogito ergo custard.

Watching Call the Midwife is a government plot by the current junta to encourage us to breed. I believe any woman who spawns more than 2 childers gets a medal. Just like the old days, back then it was 5 though.

Naked of course, only a lunatic would wear a wax arse on top of their arse in bed. We air our arses at night for temperature control, and to have them dusted.

I know you are busy governing a nation but could you move forward the murdering of my 'husband' to today? He annoyed me by telling me how to put my library books in a bag, to which I told him to do it himself if he is such a bag packing expert. He is now sulking and refused to go out (to library). Clearly I am in the right to get a bit testy over being told how to pack a bag, what do you ladies think? I do not have an integral garage for body disposal or pigs but I could just put him in the shed? Noone would look there surely?

Small I'm a bit tired as i haven't put myself down for my morning nap yet. I'll kill him later if that's ok. Meanwhile, are these books heavy? Once they are in a long handled bag swing them in a loop rapidly above your head. Physics will do sometime to the weight of them and turn them into a powerful weapon. Once he is incapacitated return the books to the liberry and hey presto! No evidence of weapon.

Opening my eyes briefly from weekend nap to thank SmallFastPenguin for library problem. If God forbid I ever leave Thighland and am tempted by "marriage", I will remember your library bag fight and make the sensible choice

Getting do not make the mistake I made. Am saddled with CAT'S BUM FACE which is in full throttle this weekend.

But then again CBF is very handy for shearing off the ends of my wine bottles, just pop bottle into the BUMFACE and twist.

The more sour his mood, the cleaner the glass is cut.

I was going to ask if we could throw him in with SmallChuck's dh as a 'murder job lot' later on when thigh is rethreshed from her nap but I am actually liking the new bottle opening facility, it is handy, so will keep him a bit longer.

Everyone's a winner!