He's 35 years older... Is it okay?

[SummerIsNearer]

Or is it completely 'wrong'? This is between two consenting adults obviously.

This is somewhat lighthearted. But I do wonder, is there ever a time where someone can just be too old and people would rightly question it?

It would purely be a bit of sex, I think. Nothing more. I fancy him by the bucket loads and he looks amazingly well for someone of his age. He is also frightfully intelligent.

If people saw us kissing goodbye, would they think it particularly odd that I look so much younger?

I'm really just after your personal opinion

My mum thinks go for it. Sister thinks I'm bloody mad. Friend thinks it's a bit too much of a gap.

For those who say ‘i’m 35 and wouldn’t consider going out with a 56 yo’... I am 38 and my DH is 49. It isn’t quite such a big age gap but I don’t see anything wrong with it. I think my max age gap would be 15 years older, but I don’t see a problem with those who date men who are even older. Each to their own.

So he's just a FWB and you'll not be seen together; it's just a sex arrangement.
And yet your mum is saying "Go for it"

Grim. Can't imagine discussing a casual fuck buddy situation with my mum, nor my adult DDs discussing this with me! Far less any enthusiastic approval arising.

Please try and learn a little bit more about age and fertility. The chances of conceiving a child with SN or a disability increase with age. The chances of complications increase with age. And, as another pp has pointed out, stds are higher in older age groups, precisely because fertility is assumed to decrease in women. If he’s had relationships with women his own age he could be carrying an std and still be fertile himself.

My rule of thumb is that if we’re not comfortable enough with each other to ask for a sexual health check, then we definitely shouldn’t be sleeping together.

Dh is eleven years older and it’s enough of a gap that we don’t share a frame of reference about music, tv shows, childhood shows etc. I desperately long for would love another dc but he’s in his 50’s and doesn’t want to be putting them through college in his 70s.

He’s the love of my life and a wonderful dh. But our lives together would be very different if he was 10 years younger.

Having been someone who has been 21 and not yet someone who is 56 (I'm 44), I'd say it's too much.

Fertility declines slightly after the baby age of 28, according to something I read recently. It just be pretty slim at 56.

Um, this is for women. Not for men. There are many, many well documents accounts of men fathering children at his age and 20 years after!

Tbh the fact that you say that at 21 you’re looking a bit more haggard because you have a child, and that you’re mature etc shows precisely that you’re really not.

This. And I'd have to wonder what he sees in you, tbh. My son is 20. His friends are between around 18 and 22. They are all so young; so inexperienced; and they all experience a collective chronological Dunning-Kruger effect in that they all believe they're worldly wise; knowledgeable; and mature and are not yet wise or mature enough to realise that they are not.

I find that many men of my age have thoughts and expectations of women that are far outside of what is acceptable to me. And this only worsens with age.

At 21, and with a young child, the idea of being wife/mother/SAHM might be quite appealing but you have no idea yet how you will evolve and develop as a person over the next 10 years.

I am, of course, essentially the same person I was at 21 but I'm also very different. And I couldn't have imagined, at 21, what I would be like at 44. Or how much more clearly I would be able to see things and my increased age and wisdom leads me to conclude that all those 35+ year old me who showed an interest in me at 19 - 21 were not doing so because I was an interesting person to be around at that age!

At 42, I also rather fell for someone who was 22. We talked about it and I realised that we were just at such different life stages, it would never have worked as anything other than a bit of fun for a few months. And neither of us wanted to do that.

I'm just generally rather suspicious of the motives of older men who go for so much younger women. In the nicest way, there is absolutely nothing that someone your age has to offer someone his age. Except for your naivite, innocence and the hope, on his part, that he will be able to shape you into the woman he wants you to be.

If you were my daughter, and you could be, I'd be very concerned about this. How 'haggard' you look and how 'youthful' he looks wouldn't even come into it.

My boyfriend is 10 years older than me. Not a huge age gap and certainly a socially acceptable one.

It shows.

Oh and one more, I'm almost 10 years older than my previous boyfriend.

That showed too...

I dated someone twice my age when I was your age op. Tbh he got to date a young sexy blonde and I got a man with money, I finished it pretty quickly, Grim.
My husband is 56 and there is 10 years between us. I didn’t feel the age gap when we met but I really do now. Not helped by him being such a miserable fucker.
A one night stand? Yes, give it a whirl. Relationship? Not so much.

lottielady

It's not ageism - it's just realistic! There's a huge difference between an age gap of 15 years and 35 years. It's more than double. It's not the same thing at all.

56? My DP is 54 and looks far better now then he did when I met him at 32. It's so hard to guess mens ages nowadays as most tend to dress well/younger etc. I reckon most people would realise there's an age gap but not be able to quantify it tbh. Do what makes you happy op.

Oh and there's a 9 year age gap between myself and dp. It showed when we were in our early 20s and 30s but not now.

Words like ‘grim old letch’ do strike me as ageist, yes.

I think given your age it’s pretty grim.

Oh go for it. It will be a great experience. Who cares what other people think. Just try not to get emotionally involved? I can’t see it working out well for longer term (and I speak from experience in this area).

Personally, it's not for me, but, as my dad used to say "any port in a storm"

Crikey. I'm 48 and I have a 53 year old man interested in me and I've been wondering if he's too old!

Not sure anyone else has mentioned this, but is he interested in someone much younger because he has "off" views about women his own age? Would women his own age be put off by something about him a younger woman might not pick up on? Is he actually abusive so interested in younger women as he finds them easier to manipulate? Does he know you have a child and is it your child he's interested in? Sorry, that sounds horrific but men who groom women to get at their children seem to approach young women who are flattered by their attention if some of the news I've read is anything to go by.

@NooNooHead1981 It was me who said that I was 35 and wouldn’t date a 56 year old. That’s a 21 year age gap. There’s only an 11 year gap between you and your husband.

If you think each to their own, surely you can understand someone not wanting to have sex with man their father’s age, not wanting to start a family with someone whose approaching sixty and, from my own point of view, I’ve already spent most of my 20s caring for an elderly relative, I don’t want to be raising a family and caring for an elderly husband at the same time. I don’t think there was anything wrong with me saying I wouldn’t consider a man 21 years older.

I think she only wants to shag him

Personally I wouldn't have wanted old age creeping over me, but each to their own....

Your both adults.

Provided it’s safe and consensual of course it’s ok.

A bit Rolf Harris. Old man grooming much younger woman. Gross. Reeks of controlling and therefore abusive relationship.

You're the same age as my DD and I wouldn't be happy with her going out with someone older than me, which this bloke is. I'd think he was creepy as hell going after someone not just young enough to be his daughter but almost his granddaughter, and that she'd gone off her head! You're a beautiful young woman, you can do heaps better!

I wouldn't be interested in a man 21 years older either, Shady.
Well, maybe it would work in a 30's/50s situation, but not younger or older (for me).

But as for 35 years forget it. My dad was only 27 years older than me... and he's dead now (I'm 50). I still have youngish children; can't imagine having a 85 year old partner to care for too!

And as I said above, OP's mum encouraging her to progress a casual sex relationship with 35 year older man. Sheesh.

Fling? Why not! I wouldn't have a LTR though. It's too much of a gap to have anything much in common surely?! It's probably not sustainable.

Eeewww if I saw you kissing in the street I'd definitely think he was some kind of pervert.

I don't think men who like females much younger can be quite right.

It's a large age gap and might not work but who knows. Lots of relationships don't work that have very small or no age gap.

FWIW my friend is 23 years younger than her DH and they've been together 18 years now.