He's 35 years older... Is it okay?

[SummerIsNearer]

Or is it completely 'wrong'? This is between two consenting adults obviously.

This is somewhat lighthearted. But I do wonder, is there ever a time where someone can just be too old and people would rightly question it?

It would purely be a bit of sex, I think. Nothing more. I fancy him by the bucket loads and he looks amazingly well for someone of his age. He is also frightfully intelligent.

If people saw us kissing goodbye, would they think it particularly odd that I look so much younger?

I'm really just after your personal opinion

My mum thinks go for it. Sister thinks I'm bloody mad. Friend thinks it's a bit too much of a gap.

It’s up to you OP, but as you’re asking what I would think if I saw you kissing, I’ve got to be honest and admit I would think ‘bleurghh!’.

Tbh the fact that you say that at 21 you’re looking a bit more haggard because you have a child, and that you’re mature etc shows precisely that you’re really not.

Seriously he’s almost old enough to be your grandfather. If you had children with him it would be embarrassing for them if he showed up at school to collect them as no-one would actually believe that he was just an older parent well into his 60’s/70’s. not to mention the fact that children would grow up with an elderly parent who would likely die or go into a care home before they hit their teens.

Being attracted to an almost 60 year old at just 21 really isn’t normal.

I remember watching a programme about couples with similar age differences and they were all bloody weird, the one relationship the bloke was younger and he was sat at home playing video games while the woman was out with the grandchildren, and where the woman was younger he’d left his wife for her (she was his daughter’s friend) and then he had a stroke and she ended up his carer.

But in every relationship there was a power imbalance.

Is he Brad Pitt? If so then YANBU

I would be trying to work out what was going on in his mind OP. I think he does not have your best interests at heart here.

Fine for a shag IME, but get too involved and in 10 years time you'll be wondering why you didn't meet anyone to settle down with when your friends all paired off.
By 66 it's typically not just fertility that's declining.

I’m only ten years older than you OP but I really feel and notice the difference mentally when with someone in their very early twenties. I think it’s a bit of a warning sign that someone his age related so much to someone just entering adulthood.

I'm mid 40s and I don't find men in their 20s particularly attractive. I find some physically attractive but the thought of sex with them is a bit yuck. It would feel wrong because there's a generation gap and just very little in common in terms of what we've both experienced.

YOu say it's just sex OP but I doubt you'd have started this thread if that were the case. Go for it if you want to, it's not illegal. I would just be very, very careful. It might reveal more about you than you think.

I’d find it inappropriate and distasteful.

My FWB is 56. My eldest daughter is nearly 21. The idea of her having even a casual sexual relationship with someone his age makes me feel nauseous. There are enough guys within 10 years of her age that she could sleep with, I would wonder why on earth she’d want to be with someone so much older.

But that’s just me.

If you were my DD and he was a nice person and cared for you and loved you then I wouldn’t care if he was 76! I feel and act 21 sometimes and my DH is 56 so same thing really. Life is too short (especially in his case😂😂) to go worrying about age gaps and what others think. Get in there. I can absolutely see how a man that age can be attractive my DH gets attention from women and men of all ages (stealth boast at how gorgeous my DH is😂)

Agree with PPs that said about nursing in old age.
It's great whilst he is younger (at 56) but if you stay together the disparity in energy and health needs will become more apparent as the relationship progresses.
For instance, when he is 86 and you are 51, would you really want to 1) be his carer, which in an LTR you might feel obliged to be, 2) be sexually/emotionally intimate with him.
I, personally, think you should do what makes you happy, just be aware that the things in common you have now and the fun you have together will likely be reduced with time. He will change and slow down, whereas you being younger will be able to keep going.

I would be concerned that what starts as a fling may become a relationship -and in that scenario you and your child def come out worse.
If you were just young and curious with know attachments then it might be fun...
But since you do have a child who I imagine is still quite small, I would steer clear.
And most important YOU are at your most fertile so please use contraception.
Sorry to sound so judgy

Oh OP who really gives a fuck what other people think? If it bothers you that much just don't tell anyone. You're a 21 year old woman. If you want to bang a fit older man fair play.

Your vagina. Your business 👍

I'd first think gross, then Daddy issues. And that he's a pervert.

Fertility is still pretty OK in older men - I'd hardly be thinking about unplanned pregnancy.

It's more that you and he are so far apart in life experience - he was heading for middle age when you were born. My DH is 11 years older than me and sometimes it's like we live on different planets.

But if this is what you want, go for it. I can think of a few famous couples who had a huge age difference and it worked. Best wishes to you.

Sorry I think it's a bit gross. Why is a nearly 60 year old man wanting a relationship with a woman barely out of her teens?

I really wouldnt personally.

You are 21! You should be travelling the world, even with dc. Dancing and having fun. Not watching countdown and doing the crossword.

No matter how charming he seems now, he is old. You just haven’t seen that side of him yet. Health issues can and do happen at that age and beyond.

What will you have in common? Certainly not music, friends, life experience, shared interests.

Your day you may come to resent him having an entire life before you, and then preventing you from really living yours. I am assuming the money is what really attracts you, as there are plenty of handsome young men that are closer in age, don’t be used op, and waste your precious youth on a soon to be pensioner.

I do find it amusing that this man of 56 is being deemed as an old codger who will need a carer within 10 years, and will probably have dementia, and be pissing himself involuntarily by then. Yet, when a poster comes on here asking if it's OK to have a baby at 45-47 y.o., it's all like 'yeah babes course it is. You're practically a chicken!' And ALL of my social circle had babies at 45-49. Several of them were early 50's!'

And 'my friend's nana who's 63 now, had all 3 of her kids in her 50's, and goes skateboarding down Mount Snowdon every weekend, and cycles a 77 mile round trip to work. She still works at 73, because she did a degree at 58, and retrained for a new career at 60, and is on £80k now doing her dream job.' And 'how DARE anyone imply 79 is elderly? I am 75, and I am most certainly not elderly! I work 5 days a week in the fashion industry, everyone thinks I look 45 years old, I run marathons every other week, and I am not ready to retire yet!'

Mumsnet is a strange animal sometimes.

And yeah I know someone will say 'there are more than just a small handful of posters on here and different posters will say different things yada yada,' but I don't buy that. The way people switch opinions on here to suit the situation is laughable.

All that said, a 56 y.o. man and a 21 y.o young woman is definitely weird and wrong. Very 'Jeremy Kyle' IMO. I would judge ANY man in his 50's (or 40's) who was with a woman young enough to be his daughter (or even physically his grandaughter!)

Also socially most people will find it very distasteful, and will exclude you, they will see him in a totally different light and will assume he is having a mid to late life crisis.
I say this as someone younger by eight years. It is not easy

Don't do it !!!! ... the age gap won't show now, it will be all exciting and shiny .. it will catch up with you .. report back to us in 20 years OP !!! ... if you don't get emotionally involved and it's just sex .. go for it .. but if you start a relationship statistics say it will go tits up . My age gap was 14 years and that didn't work . My daughter is 21 and I would not be happy with this ... think hard !!

Sorry but I’d think he was a gross old pervert and you had “issues”, unless he was rich and famous and then apparently it’d be socially acceptable.

My sister has a 31 year age gap, got together when she was 19. Raised a few eyebrows, he had 2 kids older than her and he is older than our parents. But shes happy, you'd never guess his age as he's fit as a fiddle, constantly out with his kids and grandkids when not at work, and for the most part treats her right. Her choice, they've now been together 14 year.

I’d have totally jumped a sexy 56 year old’s bones at 21. Love me an older man.

DP is 15 years older and I love him so if I end up his carer - welll, fine. Don’t partners do that for each other anyway? Easier to do it when you’re younger than trying to physically care for someone when you’re in your 80s yourself.

There’s a whiff of ageism around the language used in a lot of the posts on this thread. It’s nasty.

Go for it, OP. It’ll either work or it won’t, but you’ll likely have some fun either way.

Just a thought OP - the comments about being "an old man's nursemaid" may never happen. When I married my DH, my ex sent me a nasty message to that I'd be DH's carer in his old age. He is now in his 70's and healthier than my ex, and healthier than me. Take no notice of people's predictions , OP.

Also on the day you were born he was already 35. It's all a bit yuk.

It’s it for sex, why not?
But not for anything longer term, when you’re still in your prime in your thirties he would be hitting 70 and over - no way!
And make sure you’re protected he can still impregnate you!

The thing I would be concerned about is that you are at different stages of your life so for a fling, sure go for it but for a long term partner situation where you build a family together, probably not.

If he wasn't patronising you with his experiences above yours or your validity above yours then it could be fun, but I wouldn't want to fall for someone that age as 56 isn't far off 60 and then you head could head into health issues and responsibilities you shouldn't really have in your mid 20s.