I can offer you solutions to all your problems *Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have a problem? Bring it to Thighland and we will solve it for you.

After we have solved your problem we will nurse you back to full health and change your life for the better.....forever

Are you there MrsCat What news from the battlements?

Ok, bucket, spade, 25 men lying down, Pritt stick, Dark Lord with a screwdriver, fava beans. I'm all caught up.

What colour is Barry anyway?

Barry is pink. And only slightly stained.

I do apologise for my disappearing act earlier. My only excuse is I timed my post incredibly poorly.

So I have had a chance to peruse your responses, and I am mightily impressed.

My employer used to offer a work from home option. But she is a total nightmare, and stopped that once she opened new premises. I think you are right, maybe work is the issue. BTW, did I mention I'm self-employed?

My once micro humans are now maxi humans. And can you believe, they are unutterably selfish and have moved far away from the home I lovingly raised them in?

Police vehicles are definitely an option. I live in an area with a very low crime rate. My friend suggested to me that it would be highly illegal - but if I have the police car they are going to be in foot and will find it incredibly difficult to catch me. This is going on my 'investigate' list.

The fleet cars sound interesting, but potentially a bit pongy. Also on the investigate list, but marginally less appealing at this point.

A crayon mot certificate. Now this is an idea I can really get on board with! I actually can't think of a single potential issue with this one. Top of the list!

Sadly no free tea and coffee at work. (see: self-employed)

No husband to harvest organs from. However, I do have a very creepy neighbour who I don't think anyone would miss, so that's going on the list.

A mannequin wouldn't be able to pretend to do my job, I would get caught out very quickly unfortunately, so that's a no.

3.5 hours in a slanket with the Internet has a lot of potential. On the list!

Acquiring squatters rights to a car - I don't own a crowbar, which could make the accidental damage difficult to do. Some potential though, on the list!

Dog sledding instead of dog sitting? Genius! This might have sneaked the top spot. After all, some extra cash won't go amiss!

Bob is, unfortunately, my cousin, not my uncle. So clearly that won't work. This vexes me :(

Stopping work and lying down instead,may be my favourite suggestion. I love lying down.

I've got some great suggestions, I'll ponder them more fully tomorrow... So much thanks to you all for all the time and effort put in to these ingenious solutions! I hope I didn't miss any..

Gotten, we live to serve. Perhaps tomorrow you’ll have another problem you’d like our help with. Not that I would wish problems on you, but I think you’ll agree this is much more constructive and sane than AIBU.

PS I think you underestimate our haunted mannequins.

PPS Does Bob have a car? Also, it sounds like you’re in a rural area. Cousins and uncles can be hard to distinguish in that sort of place.

thigh 👋
Just found The Realm of Thigh, so jealous i want a realm too 😁.

thigh , getting

I'm here, scrubbed up for the " harvesting" wink wink say no more.

You can't use a bucket, spoon and pritt-stick! Sillies!

What you need is a proper science overall, a compass ( for stabbing 'n' stuff), a scalpel ( ha, yep) and a travel sewing kit. For big bits, a darning needle and some fishing line.

K cider puts them asleep and when they wake up they don't notice missing organs compared to the hangover. By the time they have recovered from the "K" they'll never drink again so thusly do not even need their liver.
Simple

gotten may I come in here?

You say that the police cars are on your list, but I think you need to think outside the box ( of frogs). Police, as Helen will confirm, will willingly take you into their cars! You just need to transgress, drunk and disorderly, nakedness ( see user name- any profession is fine, you just need to undress).

They "arrest" you ( nice feeling to that word- involves stopping doing something) and then they drive you to work. Or it could be they drive you to their work. Then they take a selfie or a you-ey, or something AND GIVE you a s slanket.

Then you lie down and they bring your dinner ( free).

Try it and she if it helps you car-work-Sshizz-work conundrum.

All honour to Thigh.

Oh and gotten you'd be amazed at exactly how many haunted mannequins work quite happily in the British workforce.

Gotten does the creepy neighbour that no one would miss have a car? If so, problem solved. Harvest his / her organs and take the car.

Bob’s your uncle! Or brother.

I'm so delighted we have a pharmacist and a scientist on the team! The bucket/spoon/Pritt stick option was getting a bit messy. Never open a Pritt stick around a Fuckboy. It gets them overly excited.

Speaking of science, the DNA results are in Gotten. Bob is your father.

Iamdanish
Welcome to Thighland. Of course you don't want your own Realm. You want to join ours. We have everything here you could possibly need.

Iamdanish this is quite correct, all that you need is here.

Advice, adventure (you can experience lying down), comfort, plots to kill, plots to harvest organs, a range of greeting cards, pearls of wisdom, Monster Munch.

You will be fine right here!

Forgot to add slankets and dark lords and BASTARD cats for hire.

What more could one want in life?

< boggles at thought of wanting more >

Give us a problem, Iamdanish

No breaches to report from the chaise longue.

I have been practising rolling around in my slanket so that I can be of use to our kingdom but have experienced 'thissues'. These are due to one of my arse cheeks being considerably larger than the other (long story; twerking involved). It prevents fluid motion, I get parallel to the ground, wobble precariously not knowing if I will crash back down to start point or intended direction. Either way, a roll is not executed. It's worse on slopes, i have no control. However, did have a result when I crashed into and took out a whole flock of smug dads who were comparing sizes of front loading baby slings outside the park cafe.

Leader can you see a way forward where my massive, lopsided arse can be of benefit to our land? It is good for squashing people who give me the rage.

Well done, MrsCat. I was just about to ask you for a progress report. I assumed all was well as we have had a good night's sleep in Thighland. If your wobbly arse is giving you problems, get your slanket to email in.

Naked was up late, but that was because she was lying awake designing our handy new organ-harvesting travel packs.

What news of Bastardcat? Are he and MrCat still locked in the cellar? With all these cats here these days I'm losing track. I found a dead mouse's head on my pillow this morning. I assume that some forgetful feline dropped it.

Congratulations on taking out the smug dads. I think we've found a new -roll- role for you. I know the type of "dad" you mean. The ones prancing about in their designer baby slings to match their designer sunglasses (thanks for the weather, Thigh) and perfectly crisp pink shirts without a trace of spew on them or a hint of eye bagginess. Being "Oh, look at me, I'm so Dad I'm almost Mum". While at home, their "wives" are curled up in the washing basket crying "Make it stop! Make it stop!". Their hair in dreadlocks and boobs gushing like Old Faithful. Then as soon as baby even gives off the whiff of a fart or attempts to open its eyes, the "Superdads" zoom off home at the speed of light, look at the "wife" curled up in the washing basket, shout at her for "lying down all day while I've taken care of the baby" bow down before my superior baby skills . Then throw shitting baby in basket for Mum to deal with while he tends to the important business of scratching the balls he has been unable to scratch due to baby sling getting in the way.

Just sayin'

Just wanted to say hi to thigh 😄.
Not sure I belong here 😢, I have a dh, a ds and cats and even though I also have a dd, I do want to keep the males too 😀.
The lying down bit I do love.
My problem: Apart from my family I'm annoyed with most of the world, so should I use
A. Bread cutting mashine for those I dislike the most (starting with the feet)
B. Or just slated lime (do not have an outside bathtub)
So far your pig suggestion is the best one, but I don't have piiigs
Help what do I do?

Aargh slaked 🙄

Ah my dear dear Danish how lovely to see you

Of course you belong here, we all do. We all love to solve problems, the more trivial the better. We will all be heartbroken if you don't stay.

Also Danish since you're Danish, you must have access to pigs and Mads Mikkelsen.

Cat re your arse, have you been a victim of the Kardashians? Did you get an arse implant that took on a life of it's own? If you want it removed i have a bucket, a spoon and pritt stick.

Danish a bread cutting machine for getting rid of annoying neighbours is inventive, I applaud you for introducing a new killing method.

However, it would be messy and you would have to dispose of the bread cutting machine and then how would you slice bread? Always think ahead when deciding to murder people Danish - that is the first rule of Thighland.

Thank you all for the nice welcome.
No... No pigs, perhaps I live in a pigsty re. The lying down 😊.
If I work really hard at it perhaps I could get Mads' phone no. But that would mean work??
Noo you would want Nikolaj Coster Waldau, he is mmmmm and Danish. Do not have his no. And don't think I would give it away.