I can offer you solutions to all your problems *Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have a problem? Bring it to Thighland and we will solve it for you.

After we have solved your problem we will nurse you back to full health and change your life for the better.....forever

I humbly present Overnight report Mistress Thigh - no incursions suffered, our thighs have not been breached. I have protected our ramparts from rogue forces with buttons on all sides, the earlier mistake of using chocolate buttons was swiftly (and satisfyingly) rectified.

I have a problem, O maternalistic great dictator. This issue has already been posted on the Litter Tray, the second best forum on MN, alas with no successful conclusion.

I have a cat - a BASTARD cat. He is almost 9 kgs, 8kgs being made up of teeth and claws. BASTARD cat hates me, in 6 years he has never once sat on me or cuddled up - despite my spending most of my time in prone position eating cheesy wotsits and drinking neat gin. However, BASTARD cat lurvves MrCat and gives me evils if I go anyway near him for conjugal purposes, by this I mean to receive freshly washed slankets, new supplies of gin etc.

What do you suggest O font of all knowledge?. I would ideally like to train BASTARD cat to carry messages to MrCat so that I no longer have to exert myself yelling for more comestibles or heaven forbid, texting demands and taking me away from higher purpose of perusing MN, protecting our domain and schizz.

My baby is awake and will not let me sleep. I am exhausted and am holding a party at a local hall today in said baby's honour. What shall I do?

Well sisters my watch is over....it's time for a lie down.

As another illustrious leader nearly said....
We will fight them on the breaches

😴 (after a lie down. )

Reagan
Thigh will be along soon....the only advice I can dispense currently is about lying down and I can see you've tried that already .

Babies are mini dictators.

Actually how old is the mini one? Could you build a den at the party? If so take a slanket....game of hide n seek and bobs your uncle fannies your aunt.
Crawl in den. Have a nap.

Naked and Thigh I got up in the middle of the night for a pee. (Now there's a problem we could solve!). After, I thought I'd have a quick check on the residents of Thighland. I'm glad I went for the pee before I read your answer to my question. I would have put out several fires otherwise

MrsCat well done for protecting Thighland. Thigh will bestow honours upon you later×

As for the feline problem. Who is in charge? You come here calling yourself MrsCat. You refer to your "husband" as MrCat. You are kowtowing to the cat. The cat is a BASTARD because it can be a bastard. Change your name to MrsI'mInChargeAroundHere and let the cat know who is boss.

×Honours may include NOT being accused of being Second in Command to a 20th century dictator.

@hellenbackagen

She's too young for a den, sadly. Only 9 months. She's sleeping now, but I've got to prepare for a party.

Babies truly are tiny dictators. Tiny, sleep-hating dictators.

Reagan, you have a hall full of people at your command. Party? Sod the party. Make it an auction. Sell "baby" to the highest bidder. Highlight its cuteness. Obs it will be asleep

MrsCat have you considered smearing your slanket in cat food to get the bastard cat used to sitting on you?

Can’t help with the baby situation. If I had a solution to that I would be less insane.

Reagan why is your 9 month old having a party in her honour? Is she so much of a dictator that she is forcing you to celebrate her even though it is not her birthday? You need to show her who is the boss before it's too late.

Make the party for yourself. Make people bring you cake and snacks all day. And booze. Give the baby to someone else to hold. People without babies love babies. Use this to your advantage.

You're selling your micro girl child at auction to raise funds for my war chest?

Why thank you Reagan that is most generous. I'd say it's a sacrifice but really its win win double plus good for you too isn't it? Brava!

Perhaps Bastard cat could transfer his attentions to the baby and raise it for Reagan. Cats know all about sleep.

Does the Bastard Cat have sufficient funds to purchase the micro girl child? Must it go to Wonga for a pay day loan?

Could we not club together and employ BASTARD Cat as apprentice for Elsa when she's too busy to cope with the demand?

Or should Elsa employ B'Cat directly?

Nooooo! Don't consign Elsa to management!!!!!

Elsa requires no apprentice. She is a proud and solitary beast

(And I don't want Thighland overrun with everyone's BASTARD cats)

As Schrödinger proved, cats are capable of existing in two different states of being at once. Their favourites are "in" and "out". They'd spend the whole time sitting in a half in/ half out position at Thighland's gates, tripping up all our newcomers

Witty have you lurked since the other thread, birth of a thnation?

Witty and Getting very good th'points!!

< waves at Witty > have you brought any wine or gin or vodka orMonster Munch or Wotsits (or quavers or salt and vinegar cardboardy snacks) or all of these?

Witty you have saved our vegan bacon. Should Elsa have been consigned yo management we would have an insane lion on our hands. My milk situation is precarious enough.

YIKES!! My apologies your thighness, I hadn't meant to risk dear Elda's sanity!

< Courtesy's to thigh >

< throws self on floor >

I meant 'on thloor' naturally

Oh wise Thigh, I seek your advice. I met a man. He liked me. I liked him back. He got scared and said he didn't want a relationship but wants to be friends I have backed off to protect my feelings and now he is texting and phoning and wanting to see me. Is this ridiculous behaviour for "grown-ups"? Should I meet him or keep my heart turned to stone? No fuck boys around for sport. I am lying down but the lying down with him didn't get us very far.