What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

but I’d rather give up my job to look after her
That’s great that you are in a position to afford that. Not many people are and I believe carers allowance is a pittance

We took care of our grandparents in their old age as a family and kept them at home. They both lived to a good age surrounded by family.

I am willing to try caring for my parents full time when the time comes. DP and I will move in with them and my siblings all live close by and will pitch in (we've done it before for grandparents so I hope we'll manage it again). If any of my siblings aren't able to help out - that's fine. I don't expect my siblings who have high flying careers to sacrifice anything.

I don't have children so I expect to go into some kind of sheltered accommodation and eventually a home. I do worry about it sometimes.

Determined that my children will not be giving up their quality of life to look after me.

Neither will I be using their inheritance to fund my care home fees.

The house is already fully adapted, and I can move to the ground floor if necessary, it's already equipped with a walk in shower room and two bedrooms.

My DPs died in their sixties, but the in-laws are now in their eighties and are expecting the family to rally round so that they don't go into a care home, which I find extremely entitled and selfish.

When the time comes, I'm contemplating a trip to the local lake, drinking a bottle of good malt and filling my pockets with rocks, Virginia Woolf style .

I am sure there are people not far from my age who are already in sheltered accommodation or old people’s homes.

The idea of going into a place surrounded by old people is my idea of hell.

I am starting to feel that people my age are too old for me.

I think when people say they don't want their children to care for them they mean every day, intimate and intense care. I think most of us would like 'help' as in looking for a home, sorting POA, calling to check we haven't sniffed it watching Bargain Hunt etc

Mine comes in waves GunpowderGelatine. Some months it’s just shopping and chores and company. Other months, it’s full on intimate care and cooking for one or other of them or yo-yo hospital visits.
It’s why the Elderly parent section here is so useful, no one really knows what it’s like until they are living it. Bit like all those good intentions and advice you have before you actually have a baby. Then reality bites.

I plan to die peacefully in my sleep having made sure that my family know how much I love them and are proud of them.
I won't be a burden on my DC no matter how much I want to see my (potential) GC grow up.

I pray by the time I get to that age I will be allowed the choice over my own mortality.

We make are fellow humans suffer and cruelly watch them die in pain.. which we don't do for dogs....

I only hope if I'm vulnerable old and week my DC just pop in on me.... and make sure I'm not being abused..m

So many on this thread planning trips to Switzerland, downing large amounts of booze then swimming. In reality it seems very low numbers of elderly people do take action to end their life. I think we might be all talk. Including me. Maybe when push come to shove we bottle it or maybe cant do it because we are to frail by then.

This thread is such lalala.

Most posters cannot conceive of being elderly as distinct from ill/infirm. Elderly means not being able to walk distances or do dexterous things like tie shoe laces or cook anything sophisticated.

Presumably you aren’t all trotting off to Dignitas just because the teapot is feeling heavy and it is hard to get in and out of the bath.

Yes some really naive comments on here.

If people who have made plans to pay for home carers when they can't manage any longer do an about turn, refuse to acknowledge that they need outside help and either muddle on unsafely or rely on relatives - do you really, really think you are going to summons up the energy, planning and courage to go to Dignitas? Of course you won't.

There's a saying - who wants to live to 90? Answer - the man who's 89.

Unfortunately what this attitude of saying 'I don't want my DC caring for me, I don't want to go into a home, I'll just top myself ' means us that you won't have done any realistic planning and that's when you will be a burden to your DC.

"There's a saying - who wants to live to 90? Answer - the man who's 89"

never heard that one. my family was cursed with longevity and yup, I have never heard that one. I feel like the thread is lala because so many people are assuming their old age will be relatively healthy and not feature the horrors of cancer or dementia etc

my dad died last year and although he was ill for ages, he only suffered indignity in the last week or so. it was APPALLING. I did feel the need to put that in caps.

my mother nearly died twice in her 70s and both times was quite disappointed not to. She has also refused a pacemaker.

fair enough if people want a long life, but I do hope they will consider their DC free to do as they need. I say that having only just stopped short of moving in with my olds, and having cared for dad quite a bit.

screw Dignitas - I always say there's got to be enough pills and booze in the flat to do the job!

PS I don't have kids, so if I decide to go out like the woman in the Massive Attack video, it's really only my business.

my dad is in his 80s.He has had several health problems. He has had carers but told them to stop because he didn't need them any more and was managing fine, when actually he had very little to manage because my Dsis was doing most of it because she lived close by. He would have hated the idea he was a huge burden on her but he just couldn't see/understand that she was doing the shopping, cleaning, cooking meals etc.

@Applesaregreenandred. Some of us such as my family have already taken and funded that decision.
That's why on retirement in six years time, me and my husband will be returning home where neither of us will be prosecuted for assisting it.
That day may never come, but plans are in situ for if ever it does.
A couple of my close family have taken the euthanasia option and I fully understand and respect their decision.
It was those who influenced me and my husband to follow the same if we're faced with the same deterioration of physical or mental health. It's nothing to do with becoming frail and everything to do with being at the complete mercy of others that took us to make the decision that we have.
As for not knowing much about the elderly, well I won't even go there in this discussion for personal reasons.
As I said up thread, it has been funded, and out funerals are paid for.

Our,not out.

One of DH's elderly relatives was offered carers when they went home after a long stay in hospital. She refused them (unbeknownst to her family) who were all surprised the she had been discharged without help. She told the hospital her family would look after her. Her children who lived nearby, were all still working full-time, so were run ragged looking after her.

A few years later she had to go into hospital again, this time one of her children were with her when discussing her discharge, said that she would have carers this time. She wasn't happy at the time, but she didn't realise the toll it was taking on her family. However, she ended up looking forward to her carers coming to see her, they were company for her. Family still visited to and helped out, and it was still hard work for them.

She had always vowed she didn't want to go into a home, but her health got to the point, she would have been confined to her bed. So went into a nursing home. She loved it! Had company, ate meals together (with wine), had social events, but also could have peace in her room. She wished she had moved into a home sooner.

My DF had terminal cancer, in his last few weeks they were planning to move him into a nursing home. My DM felt guilty that she wasn't able to look after him at home. One of the nurses said to her, if he went home you would put all your energy into being his carer. If he went into a nursing home, he would have carers, and you can put all your energy into being his wife.

We’re Indian. Families stay together in the end. That’s what life is about. We might all move around and away but when the time is right we will look after our parents and our children (hopefully) will look after us. DH’s grandmother lived with him and mine with my family when we were growing up and into our 20’s. We will make provisions for our parents when the time comes.
Typically, parents end up living with the sons though not always.
Either way it’s the way things have been done for generations. It’s our culture.
I don’t know what it will be like as I’ve never done it but both our families looked after our grandmothers till the end and it didn’t get to the point of indignity for either of them (both capable of toileting and bathing) so I can only
Imagine how hard that can be.

But for us life is about family and that’s the whole family. I want my children to see the GP’s as worthy of time and care and love. And it can be lovely having to live with a GP too even the grumpy ones.
My parents weren’t the greatest emotionally speaking. They smacked too (generational and cultural) but I feel indebted to them. They are my parents. My mother and father. The woman who birthed me and held me and fed me. I couldn’t leave her to rot in a home.
It’s obviously a cultural thing. There are many societies around the world where this is the norm and not nursing homes.
When I am old and infirm and incapable I hope the love and care I have provided my children is reflected in their love and care for me. We don’t believe in just sending them off to their lives and seeing them twice a year. We belong to each other and for us (in our culture) that’s a wonderful thing.

I wouldn't want my kids to look after me but I hope they come and visit me regularly (with DGCs if I'm lucky enough to have any!)
Wouldn't mind being in supported housing or a care home, anywhere so long as I had company and somewhere quiet to sit and read/write/day dream. Preferably by a lake or the sea.

I don't have any children, but DP does, and we have DGCs. Saying you don't want your DCs to have to care for you: what does that mean, exactly? You might not want them to do personal care for you, but suppose you're living in your own home, getting frail, need some help with shopping or getting to an appointment, would you not want them to help with that? Putting some meals in your freezer? Arranging for some adaptations to your house or flat? Tidying up your garden? All these are part of caring.

I think its impossible to say tbh because it's likely that the entire landscape will have changed by the time I get to that stage in 30/40 years time. I think it's highly unlikely that the government will be funding residential care because it won't be affordable. However, at the same time I think the private sector will see the opportunity to provide services that make living independently easier (faster and broader delivery for everything, telemedicine, driverless cars, etc.).

My personal rules to make me less of a burden in old age are:

• Don't live in some massive house with huge garden you can't maintain
• Don't live somewhere with no public transport/ taxis/ 40 mins from the nearest town
• keep up to date with technology - there was an interesting article about old people becoming really isolated because they never got into the internet. There are people on MN who see not having a smartphone as a badge of honour. Good luck with that in 20 years time.
• Maintain active friendships and make sure you pay it forward with neighbours and friends.

This thread is such lalala.

Most posters cannot conceive of being elderly as distinct from ill/infirm. Elderly means not being able to walk distances or do dexterous things like tie shoe laces or cook anything sophisticated.

Presumably you aren’t all trotting off to Dignitas just because the teapot is feeling heavy and it is hard to get in and out of the bath.

Yes this exactly!

It's all very well saying that you'd go to Dignitas, or whatever, but if you ever develop dementia past a certain stage, God forbid, you will very likely a) not be able to understand or remember that there's anything wrong with you, and b) even if you had a plan for Dignitas, or had a stash of pills hidden away, you would almost certainly forget that you wanted or planned any such thing.

Why would you, when there's nothing wrong with you?

My mother still genuinely thought there's was nothing wrong with her when she was no longer even able to make herself a cup of tea. Because she couldn't remember that she couldn't remember anything, IYSWIM. And this sort of thing is typical.

Dh and I have recently made powers of attorney for health and welfare, as well as finances, stating clearly our wishes in the event of being unable both to care for ourselves, and speak (with mental capacity) for ourselves.
So, no life-prolonging treatments - palliative care only.
And no care by dcs. Just find us a reasonable care home.
Luckily there should be enough money, but it will still grieve me if a lot has to go on care home fees.
Hence the 'no life-prolonging treatment'.

I have seen too much of the (albeit well meant) strivings to keep such poor old things with a very poor quality of life, alive.

you would almost certainly forget that you wanted or planned any such thing.

That's quite an interesting philosophical point - if you develop dementia (or have brain injury etc), are you still 'the same person' as your former self?

It is important to have a clear statement of wishes. At the end of MILs life, we were pretty sure from everything we knew about her that she wouldn't really want life-prolonging treatments - but unfortunately she had never explicitly said so. And whereas our other parents reached the end fully compos mentis and as far as I can tell pretty much willed themselves not to cling to life beyond a certain point, she couldn't do this, was left in a sort of limbo.