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Original poster

What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

315 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 11/02/2019 20:04

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

OP posts:
Sproutsandall · 11/02/2019 21:18

My mother always told us (her children) to just stick her in a home when the time came. However, that was in the days when we all thought she would eventually die of old age.

She’s now only 70, has terminal cancer, and probably won’t see out the year. Life’s a bitch.

No, I don’t want my DD to care for me in my old age. Neither do I want my DD to have to suffer a sharp shock illness. All the options around death are pretty terrible, tbh.

TortoiseLettuce · 11/02/2019 21:21

I didn’t give birth to my DS for him to waste his time wiping my arse. I want him to enjoy his life and will take a long walk off a short cliff before I impose any burden of care on him.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 11/02/2019 21:24

I'm only 23 (with no children) but any disease/accident that's makes me a cabbage I would want a pillow over the face quick as.

Wendywoo1000 · 11/02/2019 21:28

I have no plans. Who knows if you ever get to an age where you need carers?

Wait till it happens.

Applesaregreenandred · 11/02/2019 21:29

Having witnessed the difficulties I have had with my parents my DS said to me last year 'sorry mom but I'm not doing what you do, I'll find you a nice home though!'

It is true that at the point people really need care they often are in total denial about it. My parents saved and saved so they could be comfortably cared for in their old age. When it came down to it, denial, dementia and the fact that I was around meant that paid for care wasn't accepted until we were at crisis point.

I see it happening now with DH's father.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 11/02/2019 21:30

Dignitas.
I don't want my daughter or partner burdened by me.

Mrscaindingle · 11/02/2019 21:36

My mum continually said to me as I was growing up to put her in a home. She was fit and active until last year when she had a massive stroke.
She's at home now with carers 4 X a day and I am run ragged sorting out shopping, bills, appointments etc. She only has a small flat to sell which would only cover a couple of years in a nursing home.
Added to which she doesn't really get how much I now have to do. The old her would be horrified but we don't always get to choose how we spend our old age or how we die.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityyhat · 11/02/2019 21:42

"I'd be gutted if my grandkids couldn't buy a house because I'd spent too long in a nursing home"

Fair enough, I understand the sentiment, but at what cost? At the cost of your own children (parents of the grandkids) taking care of you?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 11/02/2019 21:44

No I wouldn't want that either. I really hope I wouldn't live to long in that state. For want of a better phrase, life is for the living

Moreisnnogedag · 11/02/2019 21:53

If I develop dementia before my physical health deteriorates, I have a living will/advanced directive that states that I am to receive palliative treatment only, no antibiotics, no operations, no NG feeds, no preventative medication, nothing. I will gladly succumb to UTI sepsis before I live out my days with advanced dementia.

If my physical health goes first, I imagine care at home (by paid carers) followed by nursing home. My children will not provide care.

Having said that, apart from personal care calls, I will provide care for my parents until they die in their granny flat attached to our house. They have similar wishes in terms of if dementia develops.

Spartasprout · 11/02/2019 21:53

We're selling up soon, will have a few years travelling (will maintain an apartment as a home base), then into sheltered accommodation when we feel the time is right. We're very lucky that we have first class Joseph Rowntree sheltered accommodation near us with a swimming pool, gym, shop, hairdressers etc which will be suitable for our needs until we become too infirm. We'll give the money away to our kids over a few years - better to pass it over with a warm hand, so by the time we have to go into care homes (hopefully we won't get that far) the money will be spent. Hope it works out for us!

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/02/2019 22:02

Nearly 60 and haven’t given it a thought.

Still looking after teenagers. Starting a new business abroad.

BMW6 · 11/02/2019 22:02

You know how to make God laugh?

Tell him your plans.......

Dowser · 11/02/2019 22:04

As things stand at the moment I have enough money to pay for 10 years of care
I do not want my children caring for me

PlatypusPie · 11/02/2019 22:14

I wouldn’t want my DDs caring for me physically, but I would trust them to administer my affairs when I am no longer able .

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/02/2019 22:32

We have FiL living with us after a massive stroke. Unable to walk, incontinent and away with the fairies. Carers 4 times a day but DH (and to a lesser extent the rest of us), still gets roped in. It’s not great.

I am definitely off to Switzerland. And I’d sacrifice a few years just to be on the safe side before I’d end up like FiL.

AngieBolen · 11/02/2019 22:47

I won't be off to Switzerland!

And I certainly hope I'm not in sheltered housing aged 80!!!My mother is 83 and still marching around, travelling the world and making big plans. My grandmothers both lived in their own homes all their lives and both lived to ripe old ages.

I'd love my children to look after me. DS1 won't. DS2 says he will. He claimed he'll do donuts on the hospital carpark when he takes me to appointments so I can have a thrill Hmm. He also says he'll do the garden. DD will "look after" us. I may beg her not to I wouldn't want them to do anything just because they feel they have to. The younger two will genuinely want to help us. DS1 may make me a cup of tea if he ever visits. If I'm lucky.

Mscandylamb · 11/02/2019 23:09

Im 27 expecting my first baby. Never really thought about this as its a long time away thing. I wouldn't expect my child/ren to look after me I hope I would still have some life in me to get around. But tbh I dont think I wanna live that long... I just want to live long enough to see my kids grow up and settle in to the world. I want them to be strong and independent without me if the worst comes to worst.

BoundlessSea · 11/02/2019 23:31

Its easy to say in your 30s/40s you will not rely on your children because ill health and old age seem so far away. However the reality is most old people do not want 'strangers' caring for them. They revert to a childlike state and only want close family around.
This.
It's exactly what happened to my DGF who when he was fit and well said he never wanted his DD to be his carer. But when the time came.....

BoundlessSea · 11/02/2019 23:34

@Spartasprout if you need to go into a care home, who do you envisage will pay for that if you've already spent all your money?

madroid · 11/02/2019 23:46

The reality is that there aren't that many places available, sheltered or nursing.

Ever heard of the crisis in social care? Also the nursing homes I've seen truly are God's waiting room and the quality of life was low. I wouldn't want any relative of mine in one.

But I also would hate my DC to have to look after me. I don't know what the answer is. Just hope you have a quick end I suppose.

Sukochicha · 11/02/2019 23:58

I’ve always fancied a shirt lived dalliance with heroin cumulating in a dateline overdose.

Expect that 1) I wouldn’t know where to buy it though and 2) I probably wouldn’t really want to commit suicide when it came down to it.

Sukochicha · 11/02/2019 23:58

I can’t type

Janethevirgo · 12/02/2019 00:00

I also came on to say dignitas ,I can see it’s quite popular.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/02/2019 00:30

To be fair heroin is supposed to be very very nice; like a warm comforting loving kind of feeling. Sounds like a pretty good way to go.

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