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Original poster

What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

315 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 11/02/2019 20:04

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 12/02/2019 19:05

This is why I want to equip my child to be able to say no to me if I do become too selfish to see reason

I agree with this.

Does anyone remember the episode of dinnerladies where Bren is trying to be manipulated into letting her awful mother move in with her by the social worker? I thought it was very moving episode and very ahead of its time (I miss Victoria Wood Sad)

BloodyHellBeryl · 12/02/2019 19:12

@ArmchairTraveller. You will probably die of boredom while waiting for the train to come with the amount of delays and cancellations 😂

surferjet · 12/02/2019 19:24

ineedaholidaynow

Yes, I would love my son to drop by every day, or as often as he could.,
I’m just going on how I’d be if I loved my parents & lived close by, I’d call in on them as often as I could because I care & I actually give a shit.
If my parents had been horrible to me that’s a different story, maybe they could go whistle, but even then, my sense of duty and the fact that they are my parents would take over & i’d want to care for them.

IamTheMeg · 12/02/2019 19:24

I'm staggered by the amount of naivety on this thread. As if it's your decision what your children will feel pressured or compelled to do.

When the time comes, believe me it won't be anything close to how you desired or envisaged it to be.

GunpowderGelatine · 12/02/2019 19:28

my sense of duty and the fact that they are my parents would take over & i’d want to care for them

What if they'd abused you in your life?

If your son didn't choose to pop by would he still get his inheritance? What about your daughters?

I worry all too often inheritance (or rather withholding inheritance) is used as blackmail in families. My grandad has certainly played that card a few times!

IamTheMeg · 12/02/2019 19:33

Lots of people are caring for parents who abused them, it really is not so simple as to say you won't do it.

Iamdanish · 12/02/2019 19:34

Fairyliz, Its easy to say in your 30s/40s you will not rely on your children because ill health and old age seem so far away. However the reality is most old people do not want 'strangers' caring for them. They revert to a childlike state and only want close family around.

This - old age is scary, people react quite different to what they imagined when younger, (even in their 70 ties). Whether it be senility, sickness, dementia or just frailty. Unfortunately nature and biology is doing its thing.

ArmchairTraveller · 12/02/2019 19:38

Best thing to do in the case of threats of disinheritance is laugh and not care. Remove the ammunition.
I visit my parents at least three times a week, plus emergencies. It does limit me, and most of the time I’m absolutely fine about it. Just the occasional, fleeting regret when I can’t do something, or a sigh when I’m in the car between work and home, phone them up and there’s a little something that needs doing. It’s OK, but it seems endless.

juneau · 12/02/2019 19:42

my sense of duty and the fact that they are my parents would take over & i’d want to care for them

Well okay, but that's how YOU feel. We don't know how THEY feel, do we? My DM had to care for her DM for two weeks when she was doubly incontinent, fighting a super bug, delirious and confused (it was, at that time, undiagnosed) and it nearly broke her! Just two weeks of non-stop care had my DM sobbing and on her knees. I would never want my DC to have to do any nursing or personal care. Popping in once or twice a week and taking me shopping - okay - but to expect your DDs to care for you daily, possibly long-term, and to use withholding their inheritance as your weapon is immoral. I hope, for their sakes, that that isn't their lot in life.

LynetteScavo · 12/02/2019 19:48

The dignity's comments actually turn my stomach.

I dint even get on particularly well with my mother but I'd rather give up my job and free time to care for her than ship her off to Switzerland. She cared for my DF when he couldn't eat or talk or move. But not everybody who loses their bodily functions wishes to be dead. There is still joy in the world if you can be cared for appropriately.

ArcheryAnnie · 12/02/2019 19:58

The flipside of the 'I won't let my DC care for me' attitude is the stubborn refusal to accept you need help, as so many people with real experience of caring for elderly relatives will testify.

Luglio I expect I will want help, but ideally that help will come from someone properly paid, who is doing it because they've chosen to, and not because I gave birth to them.

If I do make old bones, I'd like any time spent with DS to be social time, not time he has to spend wiping my bum and doing my laundry at the expense of, oh, sleep, friendships, sanity. I loved my mum, for all her faults, and still I found looking after her (at the same time as I held down a job and looked after a small child) one of the most nightmarish times of my life.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 19:58

To be fair not all elderly want relatives to do intimate care. My DGF was mortified at the thought of us doing it but was happy to be cared for by carers. It was nice as when we visited we could just chat, drink tea and look at photos.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/02/2019 20:09

Birds There were plenty of late night parties at Fil’s over 55s flat complex, frequently featuring FiL on piano accordion: they had a lounge/party room specifically for this purpose. And FiL’s lady friend stayed over on a regular basis.

The place is full of young downsized retirees using it as a convenient lock up and leave in between camper van expeditions, cruises etc. And when they get a bit older and frailer they can opt to have the warden give them a daily call to check they are okay.

It’s a nice lively place where no one needs to feel lonely or isolated. There are loads of social events and trips arranged by the residents. FiL had 20 happy years there. I think I would prefer it to struggling on in a big empty house.

KittiKat · 12/02/2019 20:09

My Mum has just lost her DP. She cared for him for 5 years with terminal Cancer. It was awful.

She has just told me and my siblings that she does not want her home to be used for nursing care/home and that one of us had better get used to the idea that we will have to have her to live with us.

Me and my siblings are aghast. I do not understand why some parents think they HAVE to leave us something in inheritance. I have always worked on the preface that there will be nothing.

So as to not drip feed, my Mother did not bring us up. We had a very evil step mother who did that and we were reunited with my Mother at about 20 years of age.

Why does she not want to use her house to fund her old age?

Dimsumlosesum · 12/02/2019 20:10

but I'd rather give up my job and free time to care for her than ship her off to Switzerland

No one is saying elderly parents should be shipped off to Dignitas. They are talking about what they would choose for themselves. You might not want to do it, but it depends on how your DM feels, not to you feel. If she wants you to care for her, good for you. If she doesn't want it but you force it on her, not so great.

Dimsumlosesum · 12/02/2019 20:13

To be fair not all elderly want relatives to do intimate care

^^This. My grandmother smeared faeces everywhere. It would be all in her hair, under her fingernails etc. She would refuse to let me bathe her, clean her, cut her toe nails, do her hair etc. Refused to let me buy her food. I had to sneakily pay off a few of her bills that had final demand notices because she would've been mortified otherwise.

DinosApple · 12/02/2019 20:13

Against the grain, but no Dignitas for me!

DH is 18 years older. The plan for us is one more move up to a bigger garden, then a downsize when he can't manage it any more. And of course get POA sorted asap.

Ideally our next move up will also have a granny annex of some description for my own parents if needed.

Assuming I am the survivor of DH and I, a nice care home chosen in conjunction with both DDs help.

I helped choose MILs nursing home, and she is very happy there. Huge stroke at 83yo, been in 5 years. BIL visits 4 or 5 times a week, we go once a week.

The main thing to get sorted is Power of Attorney though!

Decormad38 · 12/02/2019 20:21

I feel like an exception here because I wanted to look after my mum. My youngest dd says she’s moving country so the feeling obviously isn’t inherited!

ArmchairTraveller · 12/02/2019 20:30

FFS, we are not saying that we don’t want to look after our parents, many of have been doing it for years whilst managing our own families and working full time. We are saying what we want for ourselves when we are elderly.

Decormad38 · 12/02/2019 20:34

Charming ! I bet your going to be a delight in old age!

ArmchairTraveller · 12/02/2019 20:41

No, I won’t be. That’s rather the point.

GunpowderGelatine · 12/02/2019 20:43

Lots of people are caring for parents who abused them, it really is not so simple as to say you won't do it.

I can quite assure you, I won't do it. One of my brothers can do it.

ArmchairTraveller · 12/02/2019 20:45

For example, at the moment, I merely think ‘What sort of semi-literate can’t use you’re and your correctly?’ Roll on another 20 years and my filter will have disintegrated. I’ll be a loud and obnoxious grammar nerd with a sharpie, stalking the town like the geriatric teacher I am.

GunpowderGelatine · 12/02/2019 20:47

Yes @ArmchairTraveller I'm an arsehole at the best of times I can't imagine what a twat I'll be when I'm older!

tierraJ · 12/02/2019 20:50

I don't have children.

I plan to be a badly behaved old biddy when I'm in my 90s!! I'll probably have dementia as 3 of my grandparents had it so I'll wind everyone up haha!