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Original poster

What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

315 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 11/02/2019 20:04

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

OP posts:
Rio18 · 12/02/2019 09:30

As I'm Generation X I'm going to go into an old peoples home and have wednesday raves with the other oldies of my era.

Banging tunes turned up extra loud because of our failing hearing and I might source some mad dog 20/20.

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/02/2019 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

talktoo · 12/02/2019 09:38

I'm amazed at how many people who vilify people living off the state somehow feel entitled to live off the state when they are old. As if their tax contributions over their working life somehow entities them to be paid for in old age. That tax money paid for things all through life. It wasn't a savings plan. Did these people drive on roads, use schools, GPs, have utilities and life in a world with infrastructure or did they live in a cave? Very very very few people pay enough tax over their lifetime to claim that they have paid enough in to cover their elderly care. And those who did pay enough tax to claim this are the ones who will not be relying on the state in old age. We should pay for ourselves. We shouldn't selfishly spend it all or give it all away and expect others to look after us. That is no different from the people who rely on the state in young age. It doesn't suddenly become ok just because you are old.

Dimsumlosesum · 12/02/2019 09:38

I'm 35 and have spent the last 15 years looking after close elderly relatives and spending most of my earlier weekends in and out of various nursing homes for visits. I've watched them rot away. I've watched them smear their own faeces over themselves. I've seen them distressed in hospitals, distressed in care homes, and for my great grandmother she spent over 15 years in a dementia care home. Every penny of her house went on paying for care, and then my nan had to take out a loan to keep her out of found care, which she was still paying off when she herself suddenly started to go downhill in her 80s. I have an absolute abject fear of this as a future for myself. I refuse to go in a care home. If I don't have the £10000 for Dignitas, or if I can't get signed off for it, or if we don't have our own version in the future, I'm off for a long walk off a nice tall cliff.

Dimsumlosesum · 12/02/2019 09:39

*put of council care

Elfinablender · 12/02/2019 09:41

Meh, nobody lives very long in my family anyway but if I get too old, I'll stop taking my asthma meds and surround myself in dust and cats and smelly candles and wait for the inevitable.

Messyisthenewtidy · 12/02/2019 09:44

What happens if you need to go to a care home but don’t have the money?

Grace212 · 12/02/2019 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitchQueen90 · 12/02/2019 09:53

Messy you get state funded help if you have no assets.

HerondaleDucks · 12/02/2019 09:58

It's not state funded help though. Social care is pain for by the Local Authority councils, not the national government. So that's where the bulk of your monthly council tax goes on... not roads and schools etc.

Megan2018 · 12/02/2019 09:58

My Grandmother is 92 and still lives independently, my mother is 70 and is fit, active and healthy and looks about 60.
I'm not making any plans - I'll be financial secure as far as I can plan so that I can pay for help if required.

No DC (yet) so plans do not include them, but certainly wouldn't expect full time care - but you'd hope they would be interested/supportive and visit!

I certainly do not plan to be in sheltered housing as young as 80 if i can help it though!

madcatladyforever · 12/02/2019 09:59

I plan to have enough in savings to take myself off to Switzerland. I have no intention of going into a nursing home at any time or wearing adult nappies.
I've been a nurse far too long and have a phobia about it now.
It's about time we were given a choice about euthanasia in this country and I'd be first on the list.

cheesenpickles · 12/02/2019 10:00

I'll quite happily tell my kids to put me in a home. Having grown up caring for parents and other things I want my kids to not feel tied to me or obliged for my care. I know I may change my mind when I'm older but I can't imagine being a burden like that.

Auntiepatricia · 12/02/2019 10:05

I think we’ll be very wealthy by then assuming things go vaguely to plan. I’ve a load of kids too. But no, I don’t want them minding me in any way that makes their lives hard or miserable or tied down. I wouldn’t be against moving in with one if I was still able to just be happy granny who sits in the corner watching Corrie and holding a baby, able to make my own tea and do my own toiletting. But I’d be planning carefully for a good quality care home the moment I became a strain on anyone. I went to boarding school! I’m sure I could hack it!!

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/02/2019 10:12

I cared for my mother during her terminal cancer and it was a very special time for both of us, in spite of her illness. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I hope I have a similar relationship with my DCs when I'm older. I hope to have enough savings for care if I need it.

fussychica · 12/02/2019 10:16

Though Dignitas is a popular choice on here in reality it won't happen for many unless the law changes as it's so incredibly difficult to do. Our next door neighbour did it but his son and daughter risked prosecution to help him. They were both HCPs and were very clued up on the process and how it could be done with the least risk of being stopped such as driving not flying. Money is the least of the issues, you need lots of help and people who are prepared to take risks to make your wish a reality.

Nevertheless it would still be for me if it were possible. More likely a quick dose of fentanyl or morphine if you can get it.Shock

My dad came to live with us abroad after my mum died. He was really active and seemed very fit in his mid 80s. He died suddenly whilst sitting on the terrace in the sun where he loved to be. Shocking for us left behind but a wonderful way to go. I'd definitely take that but it's not likely.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 10:49

I think the only way we can protect our children from becoming reluctant carers is by encouraging them to have rich lives of their own with hobbies, careers, relationships, families, travel, whatever so that they can make a more informed choice about how much care they can do.

Deadringer · 12/02/2019 11:18

I am in my 50s and don't have a plan yet as such. My dh and I are planning to move into an apartment in our 60s though so that's a start, no falling down old house for the DC to worry about. We are hoping to be in a position to buy two small appartments and rent one out as a source of income. If eventually I/we need to move to a nursing home I don't think it will such a wrench moving from a relatively new appartment than it would be if leaving the family home. Having said all that my mum is in her 90s and probably facing the end quite soon, and it has been an absolute privilege to help care for her. I am lucky enough to have several siblings though and that really lightens the load.

Asta19 · 12/02/2019 11:20

I'd plump for dignitas too - did you know it costs about £10,000 for foreigners though

I'm 50 this year. Aside from any usual savings I am going to start putting aside £10 or so a week in a separate pot. This will go towards either funeral costs or Dignitas. As I say, I have Swiss family so I won't tell anyone here of my plans, I will just say I'm off to visit family. I know they will help me organise a local cremation for after the deed is done! I love Switzerland and have spent a lot of time there over the years so I don't think it will feel as daunting to me, as it may to some who have no links with the place.

I know other things can wrong, you can have a massive stroke and become immobile. But to me, that is the same as saying "I won't save for retirement in case I die before then". We can't predict the future but we can make plans based on the most likely scenario, and the majority of people do have a window between being healthy and needing round the clock care. So I'm aiming for that window.

I could drop dead tomorrow for all I know! Dignitas is a back up. All four of my grandparents died in their 80's of age related illnesses and spent no time in care homes at all, and none had dementia. So I'm hoping the same will be true for me. I know hereditary factors do play a part in a lot of serious illnesses so my chances are maybe a bit above average. But in the end, who knows?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/02/2019 12:04

All this Dignitas talk is depressing. Do you really see old people as that much of a burden that they/you should be euthenised rather than being cared for?

I'm not against assisted death if you have MND or a similarly horrific illness.

blueskiesovertheforest · 12/02/2019 12:09

marvellousnightforamooncup I've cared for people who just want to die, despite being kept safe, fed, washed and warm - there comes a point where life has no quality, everything hurts and you don't want to go on if it means you will always need to be dressed by someone else, lifted onto to the toilet/ have your nappy changed and unable to go anywhere under your own steam or do anything for yourself ever again.

grannycake · 12/02/2019 12:13

I have watched my much loved MIL's world become smaller and smaller. She has or has had crippling arthritis, phlebitis, heart issues, many small strokes, pneumonia, fractured hip, fractured femur and many other things which I can't quite remember. She is now 90 completely immobile and reliant on the (lovely) nursing home staff for everything. Do I want this for myself - no I don't and again I have a Dignitas fund as does my husband. Quality of life is what is important not the length

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 12:23

It's just that being too old to do anything and knowing that it having a negative impact on one's offspring just seems so dire.

Bestseller · 12/02/2019 12:24

Dignitas sounds so straightforward, but what time is the right time?

To me, if you're well enough to make that decision and the arrangements yourself, you're not ready to die.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/02/2019 12:29

FiL did all the right things; moved into a great, warden monitored flat in his 60s, got sensible adaptions like a walk in shower and an automatic car, always exercised and took care of himself.

He was totally independent at 83 then had a massive stroke. The care homes we have looked at are horrid so he is with us. The carers we have here are decent enough and we are coping but it's no life for him. He is in pain, lost his dignity, lost his marbles and I feel we are all slowly forgetting the man he was.