What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

Not!

I had dd when I was 30, and most of my grandparents except 1 dropped dead before 70. I’m hoping for the same but if I don’t I’ll go out to do my hobby on a cold day. I’m a hiker and hill walker. I hopefully will head out somewhere beautiful with no jacket and a hip flask. Just a doddery old woman who forgot the right clothes.

All these people planning on a "nice" home, have you done any research on what they cost and how you plan to pay for it?

IME, many of the people being cared for by family are not in a home because they (or their family) don't want to sacrifice their estate to the fees.

I have a friend who works in a higher end care home. She's an angel, loves her work and her old people and is exactly the kind of person who should be doing this work. She's paid very slightly over minimum wage and yet the residents are paying around £1400 pw.

She recently took a promotion to move to a dedicated dementia home where the residents are primarily funded by the local council. She was really excited, this is the work she was born to do.

She lasted less than a week, she was so appalled at the (lack of) care and behaviour of staff and management.

So, I hope you've saved well and don't have family who are hoping to inherit, if you're expecting a nice home.

No family so it's Switzerland for me, too

I'm a community carer for people with all sorts of conditions in various stages of health, mainly dementia. You'd be surprised how many only want their family caring for them, people change ad they get older.

I cared for my elderly father until his death. It was so stressful - I also had a young child, and juggling it all was hell. We had got to the stage of looking for a residential home for him, but he died quite suddenly in the end. I most definitely do not want my daughter looking after us. We're both fit 60 somethings. At present we are downshifting to be nearer her, to help look after her baby when she goes back to work. We plan to move from our period house with a large garden to a small modern one with a small garden or courtyard. When the time is right we will downshift again into some type of flat or maybe sheltered accommodation. You need plenty of money to afford to buy in care - I employed someone myself to help with my Dad and she was brilliant, but the onus of actually running the household, paying the bills and doing Dad's finances was obviously mine. I have already given our only child a substantial deposit to buy a house, which was just passing on some of the inheritance I had from my parents. But we have enough cash left to be flexible in terms of buying in help. Those people who think they can rely on the State to look after them will be in for a shock, my husband used to work in this area and our lovely, caring Tory government have slashed these services - like everything else.

The care system is on it's knees now so goodness knows what it will be like by the time posters on here get to need it!
My FIL has carers in to his home now although MIL still does most of his care - she's 91 and he's 93. It is not unusual for them to be let down by the care agency (sickness/holidays) leaving MIL to do everything herself. They are self funding. Fortunately BIL lives up the road but they only call on him when absolutely necessary. They pay for a cleaner, gardener and more recently a handyman to do most things.

My parents refused to accept any help - DF cared for DM until the day he dropped down dead of a heart attack. DM, who had previously refused outside help suddenly had no choice. She lived 75 miles away from us and I was already a carer for my disabled DD. I got Social Care involved so it was all organised by them but we still had to do all the ferrying to appointments and jobs around the house. It was a tough 2 1/2 years of juggling - (all my respite from caring for my DD was spent caring for DM). When she became ill and hospitalised I tried to get her into a home near to us but there were no vacancies (a number of homes had closed down). She eventually died in hospital.

I have told my DS that he can "shoot me " when I get to that point! Not really, but he gets the gist. I too am in favour of Dignitas.

I fully intend to downsize to appropriate accomodation well before I reach old age so i ca stay in my own home for as long as possible and have made it clear to DS he should not expect an inheritance as it may need to pay for my care home!

I'd plump for dignitas too - did you know it costs about £10,000 for foreigners though?

Is that why so few do it despite so many saying that they will? Or is it because we don't get organised in time, and by the time we're ready we're no longer able to do everything ourselves and involving others is too big an ask?

Has anyone read The World versus Alex Woods?

I worked in a senior care come/ dementia center for 18 months - so many of the more residents without dementia had outlived all their peers and their own children and although it was a good care home with lots of activities etc just wanted to die. I don't blame them, being old doesn't make you suddenly want sing slings and craft activities if you hated that sort of thing earlier.

Expecting your children to give up their independence/ jobs/ marriages in some cases because of the strain to care for parents is unforgivably selfish imo. Quite often the children barely outlive their parents, or indeed die first, if they are full time carers for years or decades.

I hope expecting family care is generational and our generation won't do it.

I don't think not having thought about it is anything to boast about either - a stroke or cancer can take you from fully competent and independent, active, fit, still working and travelling to needing round the clock care in a staggeringly short time, and it doesn't always happen as late in the average lifespan as some would like to tell themselves.

I am a member of Dignitas.
I want to end my days when I feel the time is right. And I live nowhere near my dcs. They will not be looking after me. How fucking depressing for them.

I plan to be like a friend of my mum's - mid 90s, still swimming in the sea every day, can't see very well, but has paid help (she is very wealthy, which helps, but you can't buy good physical, or perhaps more particularly, mental health).

More realistically I really hope that there is some sort of pill we can take when we have had enough. I can't see the point of rotting away in a care/nursing home, using up resources and money which could be better used for people who can have a quality of life. That isn't being ageist, you could be 85 and be as fit as a flea!

My dad was in a nursing home and it wasn't that great. They looked after him well enough but he had no quality of life for those 6 months.

Also, it's easy to say that kids should look after their parents, but it's not that easy if they eg need two people to lift them out of bed to go to the loo. Errands is one thing. Caring is quite another. And it's not much good retaining your inheritance if you've had to give up work to care for someone - you're not going to be any better off than if you'd kept your job and they'd gone into a care home.

What I do think we need is some sort of half way house between sheltered accommodation with a warden, and a full blown care home. I have seen a couple of retirement flat complexes with restaurants etc, it would be good if there were "serviced flats" for the elderly where you could have you washing, cooking and cleaning done etc. I think that would help people stay in their homes longer.

In my experience people who have been through their parents becoming frail and needing care tend to be better at planning for their old age. My parents are hoping to downsize in their early 60s and at least be aware of what care homes are in the area. We all saw how miserable my other DGPs made their old age by refusing to consider a move from their unsuitable house.

I'd plump for dignitas too - did you know it costs about £10,000 for foreigners though

That's about 10 weeks in a nursing home!

I've been joking for years that I'll move in with my dc when I'm old but still able to do things independently. In reality though, I'd like to move to a care home. Somewhere with medical equipment and carers available. They're expensive though so need to look at how to pay for it.

havingtochangeusernameagain yep, but for dignitas you need it sitting in your account, which a lot of people don't have.

Its really about being organised and pragmatic in advance so you can act before you lose capacity and have to ask someone to help, which is an emotionally, ethically, legally and potentially also financially tricky thing

I would be devastated to lose time with my dp because of some high minded ideals of not being a burden

But what's the point if there's no quality of life? My MIL has dementia and is bed-bound. She is 90. What on earth is the point? FIL died 10 years ago but I am sure he would not want to see her like that, he had lung cancer and died within a few weeks of diagnosis because he didn't want treatment. I think it was better.

My dad was bed bound for 6 months at the end of his life (he had Parkinsons but was ok mentally). He just wanted to go, he'd had enough.

I’ve nursed one parent while they died. Didn’t love it but coped. It was made infinitely worse however by the other parent “maintaining dignity” by which I don’t mean over toileting and bathing that was completely appropriate. Nope, anything “medical” had to come in while the neighbours weren’t looking. And the good room had to be kept for company. She’s currently nursing my grandmother under the same twisted logic. It’s a million times harder. I’ve told her (and my gran actually) move into my spare room, sell up your place and spend the money on gin and nail polish after we’ve added an en suite for you and we’ll be grand. They are both horrified by the idea and would feel a burden. Nope, and extra 3 potatoes and load of laundry makes no odds to me but the pissing about pretending it’s not happening and taking me away from my family is soul destroying.
In my case I’ve had 1 parent die very young and a grandparent approaching her century next year so I can’t plan. Except to say if I’m ill people can’t just bloody visit me in my dressing gown rather than my child damaging their back drsssing me. I have no problem with a bottle of pills and a bottle of whiskey when it’s bad but I know it’s only getting worse. Everyone knows no hooked up to machines forever for me, even if I get hit by a bus tomorrow. If my kids have emigrated to NZ and have a life there so be it. I didn’t have kids as a back up. DH resolutely refuses to get into details but in his defence his grandparents and parents all woke up one day dead. He’s never seen the slow linger.
I also hope, that I’ll be happy to Skype everyone or whatever we do then. Piss off and get on with your life. Tell me about it but don’t feel the need to come.

The only way to be sure you won't be a burden on your children is not to have any children.

Lots of fingers-in-the-ear tra-la-la on this thread.

On the contrary.
I think quite a few of us are organised and decisive. I have £10,000 sitting waiting, and my family and solicitors know my wishes.

I've worked with older people for most of my working life. I've watched what being old entails, I understand the costs involved and I have told my partner that as soon as I am too old to work I'll take myself off and end it all. I will not be old and I've said on numerous occasions if I get a serious condition or disease I would rather allow it to take me naturally than prolong my life.
Dementia is vile and I would refuse to go that way. On average most people who go into care homes are there between 3 and 18 years. That's a shitshow.

Im against the grain here. I will be going to sheltered housing/nursing homes etc but i genuinely hope my children advocate for me and oversee things to limit the chance of abuse or being taken advantage off when i am in a vulnerable state. I imagine finding a nice nursing home is very hard if you have dementia and cant drive etc. I dont want to be a burden but i hope they care enough to find a good place, check up on them, follow up on getting ewuipment and things. I did a lot of tgat for my gpa

We desperately need a system that recognises that different families can provide different amounts of care rather than an all or nothing system.

Dignitas.

I'm only half joking. Hopefully I will be fit enough to take care of myself as long as possible - my grandfather is 77 this year and is fit and healthy, lives alone, still drives and has many hobbies.

Unless I win the lottery I won't have any money. I'm a single mum renting. I hope to be a homeowner soon but if I do I have no intention of selling it to pay for care fees. I will take my own life rather than have that happen. I do not want to be a burden on DS and I don't want his inheritance to be wasted on me.

I wouldn't want to be a physical burden on my DD but I hope she will love me enough to want to provide some emotional support should I feel lonely, afraid, vulnerable. Isn't that what families do?

Yes it is. It absolutely is.

This thread is making me cry

You would be crying even harder if you hadn't been bought up with loving, caring parents. I owe my parents zilch - they fed me and clothed me (after a fashion), parenting was something they never did. Should I give up the rest of my life to make theirs easier? I won't be doing so, but I suspect I will be heavily judged for my stance by all and sundry - who never had to live my life and won't be having to deal with the consequences of their choice of what I should do.

I spent 10 years caring for 3 demanding and obnoxious relatives. The first 10 years of my retirement were given up almost entirely to them. I never had a good relationship with them and resented every moment spent with them. It was a relief when they all died within a year of each other.

The worse thing was that although they had plenty of money, none of,them would contribute to their care.

I have a very good relationship with all of my children and I am sure they would care for me. I have told the, that all the money I have saved is for carers, or care home and they are not to sacrifice their middle age or old age for me.

Culturally I’d expect it. I’ve looked after/ lived with relatives. It’s not always perfect but overall they have been an asset to my kids. They hear family stories, basic childcare at that funny age where you can’t really leave them alone. They’ve offered the family home as a home for all, as did their parents. The house is bigger without collective financiers.

I’d hope to carry on in a way that one of my children is happy to carry in with the exchange of care/ childcare for some care later on. I’m not planning on turfing them out, but equally they are free if they chose