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Original poster

What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

315 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 11/02/2019 20:04

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

OP posts:
ineedaknittedhat · 12/02/2019 00:58

I'm hoping the UK will have assisted dying by that time as I 100% don't want anyone looking after me and my dcs have their own lives.

I think the current obsession with keeping people alive at all costs needs to be robustly challenged as most people don't want to live like this. I already have an advance directive and I'm late 40s.

Asta19 · 12/02/2019 05:53

Dignitas. I’m half Swiss and have a lot of family in Switzerland so I’d have my funeral there too and pay for/arrange everything in advance so when the time comes I just get on the plane and go. My adult DC know about this and respect my choice. They admit themselves that they wouldn’t want to see me unable to take care of myself. Not because they’d see it as a burden but because they want to remember me as I am, not as a shell of a person. It was my job to wipe their bums when they were babies, I don’t want it to be their job to wipe mine when i’m old! It would be good if we had assisted dying in the UK but I don’t think that will happen for many years, not in time for me anyway.

I had my children young so by the time I’m 80 they will be 60 themselves! Which also influences me in 2 ways. One being that they may have their own health issues etc by then and they don’t need any extra burden. Also, if we do all live that long, I will have had 60 years with my kids. That’s pretty good going and I certainly don’t want to outlive either of them.

Gina2012 · 12/02/2019 06:16

Its easy to say in your 30s/40s you will not rely on your children because ill health and old age seem so far away. However the reality is most old people do not want 'strangers' caring for them. They revert to a childlike state and only want close family around.

I agree @Fairyliz

When your mind gets older it seems to change and your younger self's thoughts change and become irrelevant / forgotten

Scares the bejesus out of me if I'm honest

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 06:19

It's why I'm really determined to encourage DD to have a life of her own so she can say no if she doesn't want to.

PersonaNonGarter · 12/02/2019 06:27

The lack of realism on this thread is understandable but also a bit scary in terms of planning.

Very, very few of you will make a trip to dignitas. Instead, your caring needs will be more about shopping and appointments and where/how you live and pay your bills. It willl be about cooking for you when you have a shakes hand and cannot cook.

And yes, completely agree that people revert back to wanting their family to care for them. They don’t want to feel abandoned.

Gina2012 · 12/02/2019 06:34

And as a daughter of a very elderly father - saying no isn't an option for me.

And my father - an intensely passionately obsessively private and independent man who has never wanted or asked for help ever - NOW ASKS FOR AND INDEED EXPECTS my help.

And I give that help although it wears me out sometimes

Please don't project how you feel now and imagine that that is who you will be at 80+

Chances are your mind will change and therefore so will you

Cookit · 12/02/2019 06:36

I really hope they won’t have to sacrifice years and years of their own lives to care for me.
Obviously the ideal situation is that they visit enough to make me feel connected to them and loved but not too much to impact on their own families lives. It’s a fine balancing act however, I’m aware of that.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 06:49

I would also consider relocating so I'm not near enough for my DC to be pressured into giving up their lives to care for me. I cant help but notice how older people whose family live nearby seem to lose their ability to do things for themselves sooner.

I know a woman whose parents won't even try to do anything for themselves, why should they when all they have to do is wail and weep on the phone and then muggins comes over after work to get their kettle out of the box and plugged in for them.

exLtEveDallas · 12/02/2019 06:50

We have 'future proofed' our home as much as possible already - we can easily move downstairs and completely shut off the rest of the house. But I worry about the garden - I wouldn't cope with it now, let alone when I'm old and doddery (I leave it all to DH).

We've got excellent pensions and should be ok. However, after watching SIL ground down over the last few years caring for MIL we have made it very clear to teen DD that she is NOT to do the same for us.

We can't say what the future holds, but I hope that we are either able to stay here, without care, until the end. Or to go into assisted living/care home so DD is able to be a visitor not a carer. I would HATE for her to go through what SIL has.

ArmchairTraveller · 12/02/2019 07:03

Yes, my parents were full of grandiose and self-sacrificing plans when they were fit, active and in their 70s. How they would choose to skip over the rainbow, hand in hand rather than crumble and die slowly or burden their children with commodes and constant fretting and needs.
Now they are in their mid 80s, and hanging on with every claw, tooth and nail. If the hospital gave air miles, I’d have enough for a family round the world trip.
Fantasise all you like, people.

ArmchairTraveller · 12/02/2019 07:05

Oh SnuggyBuggy, the kettle. Exactly like that.

JaneHare · 12/02/2019 07:14

When we are in our 40s and 50s it's easy to breezily say oh I'll be off to Dignatas but so few British people actually make that journey. I assume it's because when you become old/ill/vulnerable you don't actually want to take a flight to a foreign country and die in a strange, souless house.

I wouldn't want to be a physical burden on my DD but I hope she will love me enough to want to provide some emotional support should I feel lonely, afraid, vulnerable. Isn't that what families do?

Namenic · 12/02/2019 07:17

Yes - I’d like to raise the kind of kids that would. But I’d be happy to have carers or o into a home if there was a problem.

Fairylea · 12/02/2019 07:20

I think until you’re in that situation you just don’t know.

My mum is 70 and has terminal cancer. We have a terrible relationship but there is no one else to look after her - I’m an only child and she has no partner / husband. She has the hospice at home team involved but in reality that means they pop round once a day to make sure she’s still alive (!) and she has someone in to empty her commode. Paid carers are very hit and miss, often they don’t turn up and don’t send replacements. And who is going to organise it all? Order medications, sort everything out, arrange to be in for deliveries of medical pads and beds etc all of which can be delivered anytime between 8-6 and someone needs to sign for them. If a parent is very unwell or very frail / bed bound they can’t do that and no care agency will sit in all day for these things.

Our care system in the U.K. is an absolute joke. Everyone can sit there and say oh yes I’d get carers and my children wouldn’t have to do anything but the actual reality of it all is very, very different.

LittleCandle · 12/02/2019 07:27

I am another who is opting for Dignitas when the time comes. I do not want to burden my children with possible dementia and frailty and ending up in a home. They have their own lives to lead and while I am healthy and well, I would welcome being a part of that, but as soon as the care side becomes a burden, I will be removing myself.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/02/2019 07:27

I am hoping that in my 80s and 90s and even 100s I will be like the women in my family.
Still out and about, paying own bills and looking after a house and garden.

Dp’s gf was still running a very physical business at 90. Lived with a woman in her 50s and their 2 children.Heart attack at 98 and by all accounts was still getting around with no real health complaints.
I don’t think he ever saw a dr.

EjectorCrab · 12/02/2019 07:27

My parents had me very young, are now divorced after 35 years of marriage, neither of them have made any provisions for their retirement and old age. I know the burden will fall on me, and I’m only 17 years younger than them. Therefore any provisions me and DH make will probably go on sorting them out. I’m really angry with them because I feel like I’ve been sorting their lives out for far too long.
Having said that this does not mean in turn we will want DS to care for or support us. God know. Never.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 07:35

We couldn't get carers for DGF, he had the money but his area wasn't covered by any of the companies.

I agree the system is crap. We had to effectively abandon him in hospital to bed block before anything was sorted out.

I've known loads of people with elderly parents and grandparents and there is no healthy medium. You seem to have to detach completely before adult social services steps in and sorts care because if you offer even a little yourself they back off and it's assumed you can take it all on.

Completelyfine · 12/02/2019 07:39

I worry about this as I have no partner and my dc will never be independent so certainly would not be able to care for me.

How far ahead do you plan? My parents led active lives until mid-70s/early 80s then both suddenly became ill and housebound by which time they did not have the strength emotionally or physically to make plans or important decisions. They are acting shocked that they suddenly got ‘old’ and say it never occurred to them that it would happen to them Confused.

They are in a house full of 50 years of clutter not remotely suited to their needs eg big garden, upstairs toilet.

I suppose you are lucky if you can time it right to downsize and move to appropriate accommodation.

Gina2012 · 12/02/2019 07:40

Now they are in their mid 80s, and hanging on with every claw, tooth and nail. If the hospital gave air miles, I’d have enough for a family round the world trip.
Fantasise all you like, people.

Absobloominlootly

I cannot stress enough that you have no idea who you will turn into.

Gina2012 · 12/02/2019 07:42

I wouldn't want to be a physical burden on my DD but I hope she will love me enough to want to provide some emotional support should I feel lonely, afraid, vulnerable. Isn't that what families do?

Yes it is. It absolutely is.

This thread is making me cry. 🙄

n0ne · 12/02/2019 07:50

A nice old people's home for me. I don't expect my kids to look after me (although if they made time to visit and do little errands, I'd be very grateful). Life is so full of wonderful experiences, I still believe you can have quality of life in a home, if it's a good one.

zzzzz · 12/02/2019 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stylinit · 12/02/2019 07:59

This is really sad.

If I think about it as a child, I want to be able to care for my parents if that’s what they need and want. My in laws too, actually, and I don’t even like them.

Because they are family, and I love them. I want time with them. As long as they are still able to enjoy parts of life I want them here. Everyone talking about going off to dignitas that will also have an impact on your dc. I would be devastated to lose time with my dp because of some high minded ideals of not being a burden.

I know what it’s like to care for someone elderly / unwell. I’d still do it for my family.

GypsyRoseTea · 12/02/2019 08:02

La la la nit listening

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