10 year old let out of school

[dontknowwhattodo80]

Hi

Sorry for the random title, it was hard to know what to write!

To make it clear from the off, I'm already fuming with my son, I'm after opinions on how/whether to say anything to school?

My 10 year old ( yr 5 ) was meant to go to a club after school today. He didn't want to go so lied to the teacher that he had an appointment so she left him leave with other classmates. He walked out of school with his best friends, I'm normally stood outside the gate with their mum.

When DS appeared with them their mum rang to say he was there, so I arranged with her for him to walk with them home and I'd drive to collect him. On the journey school rang to say he hadn't signed in at the club so I told them that I was on my way to get him and that he'd left school when he shouldn't.

My main issue isn't just that he was let out, but that he has some additional needs inc visual impairment. He can't confidently cross the road on his own etc.

Now do I bring this up at school? As I say I'm very cross with him for leaving/ lying to the teacher - that part is being dealt with

I'm just struggling with the fact his teacher allowed him to walk out not knowing if I'd be there to walk him home.

In our school Yr 5 and 6 are allowed to walk to / from school alone but only if parents have given permission. School know that in the morning DS walks with his friend ( with me not far behind- having escorted them across the road) and after school I walk him home.

What do I say?

You are right, they’ve made an error.

You do need to handle it slightly delicately though because if you tell that your son can’t be trusted then they may say they need to see you to release him. And tbh after he pulled a stunt like that they’d be within their rights too.

Fair enough to alert the teacher and tell them that he should never be released without a letter, but be aware your son will be in trouble in school for that (rightly so) and your waiting around the corner routine may be scrapped.

That's exactly my plan @bananafish , I started this thread furious with my son and not knowing whether to say anything to school at all or what to say. They are a great school and he has the loveliest teacher who is very supportive of him and his needs. I'm not going to be going in guns blazing, I'm just going to make them aware of what happened- which they already know as the office staff asked me on the phone- and make sure we have a plan in place so it doesn't happen again.

Thanks everyone,

I know many of you have told me how we do pick up doesn't work, it's what causes issues like this, but I'm not going to change it. School are happy with it ( it was agreed with everyone), I'm happy with it, and it gives DS the bit of independence he craves which makes him happy. I take 100% responsibility for this.

All I expect is that if the usual policy is a letter for release - even if app is going to affect ASC - then I expect that to be stuck to so that I know he's safe. I don't think that's much to ask.

The issue is they took a 10 year olds word that he had an appointment. Instead of checking with his parents/carer and just let him walk off. Our school would always check first if they were supposed to be doing something else.

In my school children are either released directly to a parent (therefore able to walk home - some do, some don't) or there's a visual handover. Yours sounds the same. Any of the kids allowed to walk off could bolt off or go the wrong way if they chose, I wouldn't know. But you collecting at the gate is essentially him being free to walk at the end of the day.

Exactly @Oldbutnotold - they should have checked. This thread has been interesting, seeing how different schools work. DS's school works in a way that the teacher will always know who's got club, who's not going due to appointments etc. Club children are sorted whilst the others get their bags and coats. So it would be difficult for DS to just slip through and for the teacher not to notice etc.

Also wanted to say that people saying DS used a very elaborate lie, it isn't in his world, he goes to a lot of appointments due to his conditions so it almost would be the most obvious thing he would say, however, school know how I deal with appointments, I either write a letter or phone, never leave it to DS to verbally tell them. School and I have a good relationship, they know how I do things!

It still doesn't excuse DS telling a lie that put himself at risk, he'll be knowing about that for a long time...

I'm a teacher and think this is a really tricky one. On paper I'd say yes - the teacher was wrong. He was supposed to go to the club and she had no word from you that he wasn't to go. She knows he can't walk home alone so she should not have let him leave school - at the very least she should have walked round the corner with him to the gate to check you were there.

However.

He is ten. He is responsible enough to walk around the corner on his own to you every day. He doesn't have form (presumably) for telling lies so she had no reason to suspect him. You are always there at the end of the school day (ie he isn't a kid who she has to worry about going home to an empty house or not being cared for by a responsible adult). She had a class full of other kids and parents to worry about at a very busy time of day. She was still wrong, but I can totally see how this could happen.

I think you should say something to the school to remind them that he absolutely can't walk home himself and that you will always let them know if there's a change of plan on club days. I also think, as pp have said, you should collect your ds from the door until he can be more responsible - if he feels babied, we'll really that's his own doing and it won't be forever.

If you want the teacher to always ensure that your ds is handed over to the correct person then you will have to start going in to get him.

I think it's quite normal for schools to need a note to leave school during the day but not to miss an after school club. One is a statutory obligation, the other is totally optional.

So, ok, take out the equation of me picking him up from the gate... it would have been ok if he'd normally walk home on his own would it? I'd still be very unhappy if he rocked up at home when I was expecting him still to be at school!

Sorry everyone but maybe I'm just incredibly thick but I'm really not seeing the relevance of no trust to walk to the gate so needs picking up from the door, and how that has absolutely anything to do with what happened yesterday.

He is more than capable of walking to the gate and meeting me, absolutely no problem there. School are happy, DS is happy and I'm happy.

Yesterday was the first time this has ever happened. He's not got form for lying and I'd be amazed if he tried it again. If I felt he was likely to do it again I'd definitely change what I do, but he won't and as he finds his condition humiliating enough I won't be further adding to that and picking him up like the younger children are. No way.

@SexNotJenga , I don't expect his teacher to hand him over to anyone! He either goes at normal time and meets me, or he goes to the ASC and is picked up by me afterwards.

it would have been ok if he'd normally walk home on his own would it

Yes. Obviously. He's TEN and is responsible for himself. I actually can't believe you still think the school is responsible. If my ten year old DS had done this, it wouldn't even have entered my head to blame the school.

I do think you are being intentionally obtuse in not understanding that he is not being released to you, he is being released alone to walk to the gate on the presumption that you’d be there, and that the school are happy to do that.
However, due to yesterday’s events, the school may want to revisit that arrangement, as it is now a safeguarding failure. School policies are often reactive. I’ve been teaching 30+ years in primary, and most of the changes have been driven by government or parental expectations. Your system didn’t keep him safe, it needs to change.

Ok @ArmchairTraveller , I know what I mean, maybe I'm not getting my point across very well, sorry.

I just wrongly assumed that as they ask for a written letter stating he won't be at club that they wouldn't just allow him to leave. Again, sorry for having that opinion.

I spoke to the teacher briefly this morning, made it very clear that I'm fuming at DS about this. She said she took his word as he is known as a polite, honest member of the class. Between us we agreed that we need to work on his anxiety to ensure he has a way of saying if something is bothering him so he doesn't feel the need to do something like this again. She said she felt bad about it because she knows I normally write letters and if something was different than expected at the end of the day then I would appear in the playground ( in case DS forgot!) and she felt bad that she hadn't realised all that, but I told her not to, it's one of those things, but could she next time ( it better never happen again!) just keep him back.

Just don’t get irritated if the school and teacher become over-cautious.

@WhyDontYouComeOnOver , yes he's 10, with additional needs, including registered visually impaired. He can't cross roads alone safely, unlike most 10 year olds.

I have no doubt that most of his 10 year old friends are more than capable of getting themselves home, he can't.

That's fine @ArmchairTraveller. I'd prefer to stick with the usual arrangement , his teacher didn't question that at all this morning, but if that's what they want then DS will just have to accept that. I'd be surprised if they do though, they're very keen to work with DS and make sure that he's happy at school and not feeling like he stands out. But I can't force that so what will be will be.

I realise that, I'm a teacher myself. I still fail to see how it's the schools fault when you wait around the corner so are never visible, and he told the teacher he wasn't going to club.

Because @WhyDontYouComeOnOver when they ask for a letter stating they won't be going I expect that to mean they won't let them go home without a letter. I was just surprised they did! There's nothing stating that once they hit a certain age the child will be left with responsibility. Obviously I misunderstood that policy, hence me starting this thread to see what others thoughts would be. I made it very clear in my first post that I blame DS but wanted advice over whether to say anything or not.

My point about the irrelevance of where I stand is that I would still have been unhappy if he normally walked home, and he just appeared or I found him standing on the doorstep.

The reason I said about waiting for him was to say that I was particularly shocked that they didn't check that a child who would not be able to just wing it and get them self home safely actually was meant to be leaving. I wrote my initial post when I was shocked and upset, I really wish I hadn't bothered!

I wouldn't be upset, but I would make a plan for how to deal with it in the future. If it happens again I would be upset and take it further. Email the teacher about what happened, so if it happens again you have evidence that the teacher is at fault.

It's fine @snitzelvoncrumb , I've spoken to the teacher and it's sorted. I made it clear to her that I blame DS and asked that in future if he tried that stunt again not to let him go