10 year old let out of school

[dontknowwhattodo80]

Hi

Sorry for the random title, it was hard to know what to write!

To make it clear from the off, I'm already fuming with my son, I'm after opinions on how/whether to say anything to school?

My 10 year old ( yr 5 ) was meant to go to a club after school today. He didn't want to go so lied to the teacher that he had an appointment so she left him leave with other classmates. He walked out of school with his best friends, I'm normally stood outside the gate with their mum.

When DS appeared with them their mum rang to say he was there, so I arranged with her for him to walk with them home and I'd drive to collect him. On the journey school rang to say he hadn't signed in at the club so I told them that I was on my way to get him and that he'd left school when he shouldn't.

My main issue isn't just that he was let out, but that he has some additional needs inc visual impairment. He can't confidently cross the road on his own etc.

Now do I bring this up at school? As I say I'm very cross with him for leaving/ lying to the teacher - that part is being dealt with

I'm just struggling with the fact his teacher allowed him to walk out not knowing if I'd be there to walk him home.

In our school Yr 5 and 6 are allowed to walk to / from school alone but only if parents have given permission. School know that in the morning DS walks with his friend ( with me not far behind- having escorted them across the road) and after school I walk him home.

What do I say?

Namey did you miss the part where OP says he has additional needs and a visual impairment that means it’s not safe for him to walk home unaccompanied?

This is all on your son I'm afraid. Bell goes - school is out. That is where their responsibility ends.
An after school isn't childcare- if he chooses not to go I can't see what the school can do about it. Your son knew he was meant to stay at school not walk home. Releasing a 10 yr only to an adult is ridiculous.

At 10 walking home is normal at our school- most kids arent ever met at the gate as they walk home. Most walk home from any after school club. Most have phones. A middle class area but granted no major roads with crossings.

The reason they trusted him, the reason they took him at his word, is that he's 10 years old and, until now, not a known liar.

Unfortunately for him, he has now completely changed the dynamic, by becoming a known liar.

They allow him to leave the school grounds to walk himself to you with your permission and with you out of sight. They have to trust him then, to go where he says he is going, and they have to trust you to be where you say you will be. But suddenly, they cannot trust him because it's a club day?

It's not a reasonable expectation that they come out and check if you're there or not if you usually wait out of sight. Either wait in sight or allow that they have to trust him to do what he says he will.

He LIED to them. This really is all on him. I get that he has some additional needs but I also have a son with additional needs, and I tell you what, he COULD NOT have pulled off a lie that complex at 10. It shows a great deal of forethought and a willingness to deliberately deceive.

If he was mine, his punishment would be this - he gets collected from the school door until May, when I would rethink. He would also be made to apologise profusely to his teacher.

I think the problem is in your head there are 3 levels of responsibility- must be handed to parent/able to leave and walk to the gate/able to leave and walk home. The school clearly have two categories - must be handed to parent/able to leave unaccompanied. From the teacher’s point of view they never see you at pick up and you child has been deemed responsible to leave unaccompanied. Unfortunately he has proven today that he mature enough yet. I think you will have to collect him directly from the teacher in future, however much he hates it.
Our school allow all children from Y3 out unaccompanied. All junior children are expected to take themselves to the office if they have a problem. I don’t think school were wrong to let him out - school, and their responsibility for children who have permission to leave unaccompanied, ends at the end of the school day.
I understand why you’re upset but I think anger at the school is misdirected.

Mollycoddled? Yeah thanks for that @NameyMcNameChange1

I agree with shiny

Our school would Trust a ten year old and to be honest I’d rather have that atmosphere/ relationship of trust than to have the teachers demand proof. How do they know you’re always at the gate? They trust him to come back in if you weren’t?
When I had guides (age 10-14) I let the parents wait in cars and girls go out in the understanding they were to come back in if no parent waiting. I trusted them to do that.
If they’d broken that trust then parents would all have to traipse in and sign their girls out one by one which would be a pita.

Leave unaccompanied at the time he's meant to be leaving? Doesn't that mean anything to anyone?

I know he's hugely at fault but I can't accept that the school policy of not allowing children to leave for appointments without a letter/verbal consent from the parent goes out of the window as he a) was going to a school run club b) he on a normal day walks out of school alone. I have signed forms for those clubs saying that he is not to walk home.

I'm totally baffled that the school are not responsible for him until the end of that club.

I don't see how they would know if they cannot see you normally. They would expect dc to come back if an issue and the club did call as soon as they realised.
I would tell ds he has one strike. Next one and you will collect him from the door each day in front of his friends

I don't think the school did anything wrong. They believed him (which obviously won't happen again) and trusted that he wasn't a liar and that you would be where you always are on non-club days. Either he can be trusted or he can't.

Well suck it up, buttercup, because that is in fact the case.

@museumum - I don't see the relevance of normally trusting that I'm there etc. It's my responsibility to be there for him, and I always am, it's my job to keep him safe. Just like I expect school to keep him safe and stick to their policies regardless of the situation

I wish I hadn't brought up how I arrange pick up on a STANDARD day, but the relevance was the shock that not only did they allow a child to leave, they allowed a child who is not capable of walking home alone , leave. It has no relevance to them letting him go today.

He shouldn't have lied, and I'm fuming at him about that but I can't hide the anger I have that the school decided to ignore their No letter- no leave police today! I expected him to be questioned and either be told to go to the club ( and sort it later) or call me to clarify!

At DS's old Primary School only children up to end of KS1 were handed to parents. In KS2 they just walked out of classrooms and parents would be waiting either in the playground or at the school gate. They did have to have permission to walk home, but I assume the children were all trusted not to walk home unless permission had been given, and if their parent hadn't turned up they knew they had to go to the office

Suck what up @colditz

But the no letter no leave policy is surely there to prevent children having time off unless they have an appointment in school time. Ours are photocopied and kept on file to prove an abscence is medical not unauthorised. After school club isn’t compulsory so school don’t really mind if he attends or not - no letter needed.

You can't see this from the teachers point of view. Most DC walk home, your DC is allowed to leave the classroom and wander out of sight even though they can't see you so there is no visual hand over but they are supposed to remember that you are there to meet him.

If you were usually in sight for a visual handover this wouldn't have happened.

I agree the school is lacking but this half way house arrangements every other day is a factor in why it happened.

Ok I'll accept I'm wrong for expecting them to not just let him go. Thank god my friend was there, otherwise god knows what could have happened to him

The relevance is that they trust him every day when he says his mum is at the gate.
Today he said I’m not going to the club my mum is at the gate.

I suppose you either have to always collect your child in person from the classroom door, or give permission for your child to be let out of school.
It is not schools fault if a parent isn't where they say they should be.
At 10 I think a child is responsible enough to sort themselves out.
Having said that I think once you have committed to an after school club you should have to attend every session.

I think there is so much hassle no for schools with kids deciding they no longer want to take part mid way through.

She sounds like a good friend.
You should speak to school and explain what

Interested to know any teachers' views here because I think in this case OP is correct and they are responsible for the child till the end of the club. Lots of kids stay in school for clubs, my 6 yr old was today, was noone responsible for her between the end of school and register being taken in the club? OP had given permission for child to walk out when it's time to go home, not for the child to unilaterally decide what time that should be. I often pick up DS's friend, that doesn't mean school can release him to me on a day his parent hasn't given permission on the child's say so. There should be a layer of safeguarding here.

I can imagine how awful you feel the "what ifs".

A consequence could be that you are now going to collect him from class... would that be enough if a deterrent that he never does it again?

Does he accept that he is "different" and needs more assistance than his peers or is that the battle?

It is reasonable to expect that his teacher would pass over their duty of care to the organisers of the after school activity. The procedures need tightening if a child can just lie their way out of going. I would definitely be asking for an explanation and assurance that their procedures going forward meant that such a situation could not reoccur.

I know @museumum , but today isn't a normal day! I wasn't expected to get him for another hour, they hadn't heard differently from me! I expected them to check what he was saying was right, not just send him out just in case I have turned up early

As I've said before I take total responsibility to take DS to and from school at the times arranged, it's my choice to do as I do on normal days, to give DS a degree of responsibility, maybe that's wrong but it's the best I can do. I don't place any responsibility on the teacher, she's knows what I do ( it was agreed between us last September), I don't expect her to check he's with me. I have a back up plan if I ever needed it.

However I don't expect the teacher to allow him to do just the same, on a day when I may not be there, just because he says so.

I'm really struggling to understand how others don't see the difference between today and a normal pick up day.

Oh and I'll say it again I MASSIVELY BLAME DS FOR THIS.

@RandomMess - he doesn't accept it, he doesn't want to be different