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Original poster

10 year old let out of school

169 replies

dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 16:35

Hi

Sorry for the random title, it was hard to know what to write!

To make it clear from the off, I'm already fuming with my son, I'm after opinions on how/whether to say anything to school?

My 10 year old ( yr 5 ) was meant to go to a club after school today. He didn't want to go so lied to the teacher that he had an appointment so she left him leave with other classmates. He walked out of school with his best friends, I'm normally stood outside the gate with their mum.

When DS appeared with them their mum rang to say he was there, so I arranged with her for him to walk with them home and I'd drive to collect him. On the journey school rang to say he hadn't signed in at the club so I told them that I was on my way to get him and that he'd left school when he shouldn't.

My main issue isn't just that he was let out, but that he has some additional needs inc visual impairment. He can't confidently cross the road on his own etc.

Now do I bring this up at school? As I say I'm very cross with him for leaving/ lying to the teacher - that part is being dealt with

I'm just struggling with the fact his teacher allowed him to walk out not knowing if I'd be there to walk him home.

In our school Yr 5 and 6 are allowed to walk to / from school alone but only if parents have given permission. School know that in the morning DS walks with his friend ( with me not far behind- having escorted them across the road) and after school I walk him home.

What do I say?

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 05/02/2019 20:18

Your son has shown he cannot be trusted to leave the school without the teacher handing him over to an adult. I suggest that you tell the school what happened so they know that he has shown he is a convincing liar. You need to pick him directly up from the teacher every day until he demonstrates he can be trusted.

My Dd is the same age and walks to and from school on her own each day. I would be appalled if she deliberately lied to the school staff and would stop this privilege at once if she did. I would not blame the school though!

SassitudeandSparkle · 05/02/2019 20:20

Well I think the school will not take what your DS says without checking in future, OP!

I see your point that you were not expecting him to leave until 4.30pm today. However he didn't leave school early and that's the difference, if he'd said he needed to leave at 2.00pm then the school would certainly be checking more closely (I have to take photo ID to collect my DD from secondary school during the day!). It sounds like a club that is held at the school but not actually run by the school and they did ring you when he didn't turn up so that system worked.

If your son had said in the middle of the day that he needed to leave they would have queried it. It was because it was the end of the day that they didn't.

Do you know why your son didn't want to go to the club today? What was he planning to do when he left school today, did he just want to go home on his own? It is a difficult balance, independence and ability. I do understand your concerns.

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 20:21

P.s I also think he's highly unlikely to do it again. He's not usually a liar - I was so shocked he'd do this when I was called I couldn't even speak! And hates being told off, so I'd be amazed if he tried this stunt again. He has major anxiety issues ( amongst other problems) and being told off is one of them. He just said he was desperate not to go and when I said was being told off a better option he said yes

OP posts:

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YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/02/2019 20:23

In my case I would fully blame DD because she often passes messages to her teachers if she has an appt, someone is picking her up ,I am picking her and someone else up etc. We also let the teacher/office know,but this way it's covered both ways. She's trustworthy (at the moment), and teachers are used to it,so I can see them believing her if she suddenly decided to lie in 3 year's time and just let her go. Especially if I wouldn't normally be there to collect.

Is there a reason why the teacher should've doubted your son , like does he make stuff up,is he really immature,forgetful ,mixes thing up etc?

SassitudeandSparkle · 05/02/2019 20:23

What is it he doesn't like about the after-school club OP, do you know? Are there any other providers in the area?

I do appreciate that he doesn't want to be different.

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 20:23

@SassitudeandSparkle - its a school run club

OP posts:
Smoggle · 05/02/2019 20:26

Year 5 & 6 just leave from their classroom in my school - no teacher checks a parent is there.
It's children's responsibility to go to any clubs they attend too - once my child forgot and came straight home and no one even called me.

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 20:27

The teacher said something to them all last week that upset him ( he's quite overly sensitive! ) and he came out unhappy.

I'm kicking myself that I should have checked he was happy to go this week but I forgot about last weeks upset, so didn't say anything more to him about it. So that's definitely my fault

OP posts:
daipaned · 05/02/2019 20:31

DS2 did similar before Christmas, he was 7. Annoyingly I'd waited in the yard for him for ten minutes then realised it was club night and walked home.
The club leader was late and instead of waiting DS decided club wasn't on and went home.
I was cross with DS, I took him into school the next day to speak to the head about what to do in future if club leaders are late. It didn't occur to me to blame school.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/02/2019 20:32

Just mention it to the teacher so she knows that unless you specify otherwise, he's not to miss clubs/leave on his own when he's not supposed to. Not really your fault or the teacher's (especially if he left it late enough that she didn't have a chance to check with you).

ArmchairTraveller · 05/02/2019 20:33

But he is different. He has additional needs. I’m a teacher, I have two children with additional needs and they needed intervention and additional support in managing certain situations, whether they liked it or not.
I do think school has a duty of care to all children until they are handed over to the next responsible adult, or unless they have written permission to leave. It doesn’t just stop and the children are in the wind.
But your system hasn’t worked for your son, so it needs to be changed so that he is safe. Whether he likes it or not.

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 20:35

So how could I have changed today @ArmchairTraveller ?

OP posts:
Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 20:36

On a normal day it works perfectly. Never any issues at all

OP posts:
bananasandwicheseveryday · 05/02/2019 20:39

I don't think the school have done anything wrong.
An after school club is not the same as the normal school day. Your son lied and said he had an appointment. The teacher trusted him. Since you normally wait out of sight, she had no way to know you weren't waiting in your normal spot. The school called you as soon as they realised he hadn't signed in to the after school club. I don't know what else you expected them to do.
Certainly, going forward you can make it clear to them that your son is only to be allowed to leave once you are in sight of them, but I don't think you really have a cause for complaint about this incident. If it happens again, after you make new arrangements re: collecting him, then complain all you like. But not on this occasion.

Sunshinewithshowers123 · 05/02/2019 20:41

I think it's a loophole worth raising with the school. I don't think they're to blame but they could put in place procedures so it doesn't happen again ie no dismissal from after school clubs without a parent collecting them.

CheeseWheel · 05/02/2019 20:44

If the normal situation is that he leaves on his own and you meet him at a place the teacher can't see I cannot see how they've done anything wrong?

Basically he lied and said he wasn't supposed to be at club so the teacher let him out as normal. I can't see why she'd cross examine him to see if he was lying? Surely at his age the default should be to believe him if he says mum said I should miss club tonight.

The fact school called to double check when he didn't sign in for club is surely a good thing?

I honestly can't see an issue here.

OrchidInTheSun · 05/02/2019 20:45

The school did check with you OP. When he didn't turn up for the club, they called you.

I know your DS wants to be like other children but he isn't. I have a child with SN too and it's a really tricky age because their peers are becoming more independent and they're just not ready. I do sympathise. Thanks

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 20:48

10 mins after he'd left school @OrchidInTheSun , he'd have virtually been home if my friend hadn't taken him with her

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 05/02/2019 20:48

Surely as a parent, you understand that it’s not how life works.
You couldn’t have changed today, and fortunately he wasn’t hurt, lost or run over this time. You need to be sensible about responding to the events of today, instead of being bewildered, focusing on his sensitivity or asking questions that have been answered multiple times, but not to your satisfaction.
As a PP said, either he is handed over to you, or goes to his club. If he can’t be trusted, then he is either escorted to or collected by them. Tell the school what happened, see what they come up with as a solution.
The key point is that it must not happen again.

ArmchairTraveller · 05/02/2019 20:51

When your friend rang, why didn’t you tell him to go to his club? Was he already off school grounds, or were they still by the gate? If the latter, your friend was wrong not to send him back to the teacher.

Bluedrums · 05/02/2019 20:56

A similar thing happened to me. My ds was 6 or 7 years old and due to go to a club in the gym hall after school finished. So he would go straight from the classroom to the gym hall and I would collect him an hour later than usual.

My ds forgot to go so was in the playground looking for me. Luckily a parent phoned me to let me know. The school told me that children had to get themselves there with no prompting from the teachers. I was really shocked at that. My ds has autism. So he does not go to after school clubs any more.

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 20:57

Independent or not, Add needs or not, I don't think children should be listened to and potentially put at risk. It should be questioned, like it would be any other time.

I expect him to be cared for as much at the after school club as I do during the school day. Obviously that's the wrong opinion! Well I've learnt something new today.

I'm wrong so I won't be blaming the school, I will however have to say something as I can't have this happening again, for the safety of my son.

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 05/02/2019 20:58

Good. What do you propose?

Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 21:00

@ArmchairTraveller , there's nothing about not getting the answer I want! I'm just trying to understand how what we do on a normal day has any relevance to the fact DS was allowed to leave early today.

It has absolutely no relevance at all. He shouldn't have been allowed to go. Nor should he have bloody lied!

OP posts:
Original poster
dontknowwhattodo80 · 05/02/2019 21:03

I'm just going to tell them not to listen to him! They know I always let them know if apps are going to affect his school day ( ASC or no ASC!) so today should have been no different. TBH I've never heard of this happening with any other child so I just assumed ( wrongly) that they would clarify something like this.

OP posts:
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