40's? From 40 to 49, what's changed?

[thinkingisharderthandoing]

So from approaching the 40's to approaching the 50's. How's that decade been?
I'm 45 this year......still feeling like I have a youngish streak, but realising I'm not so youngish as I may want to be.
It's a weird age.
How have you felt and dealt with it?

Thanks zzzzz for the heads up about gout. I just looked it up and will ask the GP

Hello, fellow travellers! I’m a bit ahead of most of you at 52, but so much of your words have resonated. So, at 42 I had what I fondly regard as my year of going crackers, triggered by having my head severely messed with due to lust. I have back-story of feeling overweight and ugly for most of my life - certainly having always been invisible to men - and always experienced desire as incredibly humiliating because I felt it could never be reciprocated. At 43 I’d lost weight, looked so different people couldn’t work it out. I dressed differently too; more how I wanted to dress than how I thought I should. I followed up on the lust object - the first time in my life I’ve ever made a move on anyone. It wasn’t straightforward, to put it mildly! But it changed me completely.

Fast foward ten years:

I am in late perimenopause: been through libido missing in action; the weird aches, pains and seemingly random cruelties of being a woman. Now in the stage of a re-awakening libido with my periods missing in action (maybe for a while, and maybe this is it).

I’m finally doing work I love even though it barely pays! It’s where my voice is heard and where I feel powerful and effective.

I’m kinder, wiser, tougher than ten years ago. I’m sadder too. Yes, at this stage of life more of life has already been lived than is likely to be lived. Time seems to speed up. It’s the big existential stuff. Menopause and mid-life both bring us all face to face with our unfinished business.

I’m pragmatic in relationships and love. Love no longer means finding every need is met in one place, or expecting a lover to get his needs me solely with me. Slowly, tentatively, the grief over what I missed out on in my youth is easing. There is a way through, but it means inventing it for myself.

Ladies, you are all beautiful and desirable if you wish to be. The word ‘glamour’ is from old Welsh for a magic spell. It’s no surprise how quickly we become very visible and how much attention we attract when we feel sexual and confident. But invisibility is also available if we want to be hidden for a while. Some men will always feel the need to mansplain and demean. I’d counsel being as invisible as possible to those men.

Sorry for the epic post! Thanks for the thread.

Amazed and ‘impressed that some people are only just getting their first grey hairs now! I think I started going grey from about 35! I’m now dying my grey hair rose gold, I kinda like it. I tried sticking to my natural brown but my roots were coming through so quickly it was a losing battle. The rose gold is blending in with the grey so much better.

I can sympathise with a lot of these. Eyesight, sudden wrinkles.. I noticed the other day my hands and arms look like my MIL’s. Ffs. Must moisturise more.

Eyesight? I’ve been getting new glasses every two years since I was 35.

Hair? Have been going grey since late 30s - and colouring it.

No menopause symptoms, though. Sleeping well. And have been fairly emotionally stable.

Thanks for other posts...

Work: my job is brilliant. I’m more confident each year. Age has helped with work!

Really enjoyed your post, @Craftycorvid - the emotional stuff is hitting me far worse than the physical.

I can relate to so much of it; regrets over choices made, the realisation that it's all downhill from here (or so it feels), that my best years are over, that I haven't achieved things that were important.

I keep having fantasies about going back in time; knowing what I do now - and re-living my life better.

Just turned 52. Hangovers take forever to get over. Never thought I'd say it, but chocolate cake is too rich for me now! Face is definitely sliding down and boobs hang snuggly at waist height when bra comes off. Roots have to be done more often. Veins on hands and feet stick out. Eyesight is going. Constantly losing and gaining a stone in weight. Tired.

I'm not painting a great picture, but people are always surprised when they find out my age. I think we notice more on ourselves than others do.

I like having the ££ to look after myself. Have nicer clothes and get a massage when I want one.

I'm 49. Ten years ago I realise now that I was very healthy, full of energy, capable of anything. I could kick myself for thinking I was old and past it! Actually, though, I've been thinking that since I was 16 and therefore too old to be a child prodigy .

Perimenopause set in at 45 and suddenly I was intensely anxious and obsessed with my death. Other symptoms came along later. Now I'm pretty much menopausal and less anxious. I haven't noticeably gained weight - it still fluctuates, depending on diet and exercise. I notice tiredness, which I never really used to.

On the positive side, I'm much more self aware and in tune with my body. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks of me either.

Not giving a shit, that resonates with me. I wish I hadn’t waited until I was 46 to get there though!

It is a weird age. Physically I feel like I’m on the edge of the cliff: if I don’t shift the weight / start doing yoga regularly / keep moving, I’m not going to be able to. I wake up stiffer every morning, and need to stretch the kinks out before I knacker my back.

But I’m so tired! And sleep well maybe 4 nights out of 7. And still have youngish children who need a lot done for them. I’m still coming last in the list in terms of priorities.

One positive thing I did last year though was getting my colours done (House of Colour), and binning my entire wardrobe as a result! Since buying new clothes in “my” colours I’ve had so many compliments - it has been a total confidence boost. It has given me permission to dress better after years of “that’ll do” clothes, and looking crap tbh. I’m hoping that it continues to distract from the crepey neck and dark eye bags!

Onwards and upwards.

44 here and literally last 2 years has been a massive slide downhill! Achy knee, when I get out of bed I hobble along way more grey hairs which really show on me. Invisibility kicked in which I like actually as hated the pervy looks and street harassment. My downfall is eye bags (thanks dad)

Just turned 50, and it is a wake up call. I don’t remember feeling like this when I turned 40, but suddenly I’m conscious of maintaining my long term health as much as I can. Also aware that friends and acquaintances are developing serious life changing illness - and it could be me next.

Kids are growing up - still need me for emotional support and guidance- but I have more time for me. So more time at the gym/ more time to pursue hobbies. Trying to make the most of life because suddenly I really realise how quickly it passes.

On HRT - which obviously has risks, but the peri menopause would be worse. Exercise helps sleep. Healthier diet. Read up on some Psychology to understand myself and others better.

Think I need to look at more grooming - definitely looking older - but inside feeling more content and confident in myself than I did at 40.

Oh, I remember what has been an unpleasant discovery, progressing since about 41, not so much wrinkles esp round the eyes, and neck and chin getting less and less firm but that's kind of to be expected with age, but pores!!! I used to never have pores, started with the forehead, there's a sprinkling on the chin and upper lip and some round the nose now - they look enormous compared to what I used to have (nothing noticeable) Does anyone else notice pores and is there a way to make them smaller or at least look smaller?

Yes pores! I used to watch those those beauty product adverts talking about minimising pores and wondered what they were talking about!

Now I know.

Well you know what all you 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48 and 49 year olds ( and the ladies anything above that age) well done, we have, even if if we haven't given ourselves credit for it given something truly rewarding back to this world we live in......our life experiences must have had a positive impact somewhere along the way.

On the other hand yesterday I came across a video where I was 22 and my parents 44, so the age I am now, they had me early.
The look shockingly young! They look so young to me compared to what I know they look like now, even though currently they look pretty well for their age. So it put things into perspective, God willing if I live to 66 I'd look back on my 44 and think I looked fresh and blooming :)

I'm fifty next year. Three years ago my ankles started to ache so much in the mornings that I limped until lunchtime. I also started suffering with debilitating insomnia, and even if I fell asleep I would wake at 3am with an awful sense of doom. I'd been a size 12 all my adult life but suddenly I was struggling to fit in size 14 jeans.

Luckily my friend is a GP and she recommended HRT and it has turned my clock back by ten years. No more aches and pains and I sleep 8-9 hours a night again. Libido has definitely perked up much to DH's delight My weight was still annoying me so I started Michael Mosley's 800 calorie diet last week and have already dropped 4.5lbs. I had Botox sprinkles last month, LVL lashes and a new urchin hair cut and I look fresher faced than I did five years ago.

That’s the decade when everything drops. 😄

Read this thread with great interest and found myself nodding along to a lot of it. Thank you OP.
Weirdly, I came across this article:
www.msn.com/en-gb/health/mindandbody/you-will-have-an-emotional-reboot-the-ultimate-guide-to-stress-at-every-age/ar-BBT6BuT?ocid=spartanntp
and in the 35-55 years section it talks about some of the issues raised here. Thought it might be useful to others.

I love my HRT. It infuriates me that the media have demonized it because it's contraindicated for a small part of the population.

Why is it that it's considered a failure to take advantage of modern medicine when experiencing issues that exclusively or disproportionately affect women?

No one ever bragged that they managed to get through their vasectomy without pain relief!

It’s great to hear everyone’s experiences. I’ve got the MM Fast 800 book theharlotletter so am going to start reading that today.

Am on an ‘up’ at the moment. My plan is to shift one of the two stone I’m overweight and see how that impacts joints/sleep. If it doesn’t I’ll go to the GP. I’m reluctant to start on HRT as I’ve not hit the menopause properly, but going to keep an open mind.

Basically the minute your hormones dips cos of the menopause, your body and mind goes to shite. HRT stops the dip and your body and mind stay fairly level.

Like I said above, I have the Mirena fotr contraception and it lasts 5 years but since it acts as HRT I'm gonna get it replaced forever!

I have no intention of suffering any of the worst side effects of menopause, put it that way. I went to the women's health clinic to get it in anyway, it wasn't even anything to do with my GP. I'm not waiting for their permission, that's for sure.

@ O4FS I think you'll like it. I was very skeptical that it would work and that I would be able to stick to it, but I have! Lost another 1lb this morning, so that's 5.5lbs in less than a week. I'm also supercharging the diet by only eating the 800 calories between 12-6 so I'm also fasting for 18hrs a day. Ideally, I would like to lose another 10lbs and then take stock.

I was just so sick of feeling frumpy that actually feeling hungry is a breeze in comparison xxx

That’s how I feel. Like i’ve punished myself and now it’s time to pull myself together.

Interesting about the Marina coil. I was debating removing mine as it’s time to change it, so going to book in now for a replacement. Thanks.

@Isayeichnotheich - interesting about parents and relative youth.

My eldest is now 25; older than i was when i had her. I was married and mortgaged pretty young.

Her boyfriend, and my 2nd DDs boyfriend, are both 27. Lovely lads. By their age i had 3 under 5's.

I mentioned this fact in convo. the other day when we were all sitting together nattering and they were all a bit thrown to think about it actually! They're all still so young and carefree at heart. All have jobs and are good kind kids, but no ties or heavy responsibilites to anything or anyone. No real expectations of any such thing for a while yet either. As it should be really.

When i look at them I realise now how young i was back then. There was me thinking i was so grown up and old at 25!

In contrast - my mum has been 'old' since her 30s. When i look at pics of her holding me in the late 60s and early 70s when she was in her mid 30s, she already looked older than i do now even at 50. If that makes any sense!?