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Original poster

can she force this adoption?

367 replies

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 14:51

My brother has 3 children, one of which has a different mother from the other 2 and he hasn't seen since she was a baby. He has a very close relationship with his other DC.

Mother of his DD was very emotional/unstable/angry/bitter and put up a lot of hoops/emotional blackmail ringing up to 50 times a day etc, he ended up blocking all contact with her. When his DD was 3 years old he wrote letters asking for contact, offering contact centre or supervision from family member etc. He received no replies so went through a mediator, who was also blanked by the mother. Presents and cards for his DD were returned.

DD is now 7 and the mother has asked if he will consent to her being adopted by her partner, who has been with the mother since dd was 2.

Brother does not want to consent to this. Does anyone know much about what happens if he does not consent? Is a court likely to grant the adoption because of the lack of contact between my brother and his dd?

He has been paying maintenance for years and the mother has also kept in contact with our father , dd calls him grandpa.

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 27/01/2019 20:05

Yes SimplySteve, I’ve seen aunts that have raised children from their early teenage years, being told they can’t make decisions for their adult children because mummy dearest has decided to appear back and demand control. And it is about control, not love.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/01/2019 20:12

but then tried to get in contact, sending presents,, letters, requesting contact etc

Yes he tried so hard didn’t he? Grin

Yabbers · 27/01/2019 20:17

Ultimately if he wants to now go to court because this adoption request has made him think harder about the situation then he has a right to do that.

But he's too scared. Now that the girl has a chance of stability, being provided by another man, now he can cope with court?

This gets more ridiculous by the minute.

Interested in this thread?

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Yabbers · 27/01/2019 20:20

Whatever he decided to do would be slated by you lot !!!!!

Nope. He could not contest the adoption. Pretty sure most here wouldn't have a problem with that.

KataraJean · 27/01/2019 20:25

My ex argued that I was mentally unstable in court. I am not and never have been. It always makes me Hmm when men bring out that line. Fair play to the judge he did not even touch on this and the independent reporter said that even if I was mentally unstable, ex’s reaction should have been to support me to get support. I was reasonably reassured that none of the professionals involved seemed to have concerns about my mental stability.

But anyway, you are right that the reporter will seek out the child’s views and contact should be in the best interests of the child. Mudslinging about her mother is not in the child’s best interests, whatever you may think. Supporting the child’s home life and stability day to day is.

RCohle · 27/01/2019 20:30

I agree with the comments made by many others.

After years of being "too afraid" to deal with the court system and take the necessary legal steps to ensure access to his DD, he suddenly now feels able to do so? I really struggle to see that his motivation is the best interests of his child.

Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 20:33

A lot of deadbeats use the ex is unstable line as an excuse. Sorry but if my child lived with someone i deemed unstable, i wouldn't be blocking them from all contact for three years

CandleConcerto · 27/01/2019 20:47

Pissedoffdotcom Spot on!

Mellowingslowly · 27/01/2019 20:53

Adoption Order is unlikely to be granted if birth father wants contact and poses no significant risk to the child.
He should have tried harder to maintain relationship with his daughter. And her mum should not have blocked contact (unless he posed a significant risk).
However, Adoption Orders are orders of last resort where 'nothing else will do' in the welfare of the child (it's all about the child's best interests).
Child's stepfather probably is currently more significant to her than her birth father, however, this does not mean an Adoption Order is necessary for her welfare (issues around long-term identity are considered important too). There are 'lesser' orders than an Adoption Order that the mother and stepfather could consider, depending on what their motivation is.

Clearly your brother isn't faultless and he does need to commit to contact and paying maintenance. But courts are reluctant to sever a child's legal relationship with their birth parents unless it is the only way to meet the child's needs or if parents consent.

The Social Worker will have to seek both parents'views, as well as the child's. They will be used to parental conflict and differing narratives.

DommeM · 27/01/2019 20:59

I was the DD in this scenario. My bio father would not allow me to be adopted by my SD. I'm now me nearly 40 & I'm so angry as if SD goes into hospital I have no right to info etc. And if my DM dies first I won't be recognised as his DD. He's been in my life since I was 4. He's my real dad

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/01/2019 21:04

I'd assume that paying maintenance means he wouldn't be viewed as a "deadbeat" parent? I've always associated that term with intentionally failing to pay towards your child's upkeep. A friend is divorced from one of those - he could pay, but won't Sad.

In this case, the Dad has been pathetic not fighting for contact - but the Mum's has also accepted his maintenance payments while blocking access to his DD.

The judge is going to want to know why she did that and unless she has a legitimate reason (like fear for the child's safety), that won't look good for her case. It sounds like vindictive behaviour, rather than in their child's best interests.

Bumblebee39 · 27/01/2019 21:05

I'm sure my ex calls me unstable, psychotic and worse

Thing is, he's the one who can't even get the cash and paperwork together to take me to court (despite talking about it a lot)

Courts see through that though

They see me paying for, clothing, feeding, putting a roof over the heads of, taking to appointments and childcare, making medical decisions for and in all ways advocating and raising my kids

So yeah I'm freaking mental, I'm downright psychotic, but only when it comes to putting my kids first

That's what being a parent means

Bumblebee39 · 27/01/2019 21:06

Ps. Nobody thinks he's Dad of the year for sending a few poxy cards either Hmm

Gazelda · 27/01/2019 21:09

Your DB should appoint a solicitor to represent himself in court. Surely that isn't too much to ask of him?

I'm afraid it does rather read that
A) his fear of court proceedings is bigger than his yearning to spend time with his daughter or
B) he's just not that interested in being a dad

The mother may (or may not) have been obstructive, unreasonable, unpredictable etc. But there's no getting away from the fact that your brother has not been and has not tried to be a father to his child.

But can you try to put yourself in the little girls shoes? What do you think she wants? What is best for her? Which would she rather - a proper label for the man who has brought her up for most of her life, or the knowledge that someone who (she believes) doesn't bother to see her is able to control her life relationships?

Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:12

Thanks for the good advice Mellowing. He would be happy to have the stepfather added as another person with PR without having his own severed.

Amicrazy - you do not know the half of the vindictive actions of the mother in the past, an extremely bitter selfish person. Yes, he has paid maintenance all along.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/01/2019 21:13

@Bumblebee39

Yes, but I doubt that you'd prevent him from seeing your DCs without a really good reason?

I wonder if there's a back story with the OP's DB (problems she's not revealed) that made his ex reluctant to allow contact with his daughter.

If not, isn't she in the wrong as well?

Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:15

Gazelda, I imagine she would have wanted her mother not to block contact with her father.

Right now she is only 7 and cannot know all the facts or understand.

Db cannot afford a solicitor. Hence he will have to be LIP.

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 21:15

OP is this just what your brother is telling you or have you actually seen this behaviour from your niece's mother? Because it is very odd she allows your father into her daughter's life but not your brother. And vindictive or not, if he had proof he would have got contact had he put the effort in. As you are so invested why did you not help him all those years ago?

There are so many excuses

Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:19

The reason my father is allowed contact is because he is an incredibly weak man who is controlled by his wife (our stepmum) - she made decisions for him that they would keep their mouths shut and agree with everything the ex says so that they can continue to keep up appearances and see ALL of their grandchildren. The ex has blocked contact with all of our siblings and our mother because we didn't agree with her behaviour and everything she said.

OP posts:
Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:19

And yes we have seen the behaviour during their relationship/break up and beyond. We have all received really shocking abuse from her .

OP posts:
Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:21

I couldn't make him seek contact through courts when he didn't want to and just wanted to block all contact. I helped him to write letters when he asked.

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 21:21

But none of your siblings felt able to help your brother?

Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 21:23

You couldn't make him, no, but making excuses for his behaviour is ridiculous. And clearly nobody is that worried about her behaviour if they are happy for your niece to remain in her care

Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:23

They have their own families and children and he is not as close with them . They offered to provide contact supervision etc so that it didn't have to be in a contact centre but she ignored all offers.

OP posts:
Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:24

I ahve already said, I'm sure she is fine with my niece and father assures she is well looked after. She has a horrific temper with people who don't tow the line or agree with her.

OP posts:
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