can she force this adoption?

[rolypoly85]

My brother has 3 children, one of which has a different mother from the other 2 and he hasn't seen since she was a baby. He has a very close relationship with his other DC.

Mother of his DD was very emotional/unstable/angry/bitter and put up a lot of hoops/emotional blackmail ringing up to 50 times a day etc, he ended up blocking all contact with her. When his DD was 3 years old he wrote letters asking for contact, offering contact centre or supervision from family member etc. He received no replies so went through a mediator, who was also blanked by the mother. Presents and cards for his DD were returned.

DD is now 7 and the mother has asked if he will consent to her being adopted by her partner, who has been with the mother since dd was 2.

Brother does not want to consent to this. Does anyone know much about what happens if he does not consent? Is a court likely to grant the adoption because of the lack of contact between my brother and his dd?

He has been paying maintenance for years and the mother has also kept in contact with our father , dd calls him grandpa.

It's very unlikely you will get a fair hearing on here representing the non resident parent.

But there is a lot of emotional bollocks being written on a legal question . It has nothing to do with who said what to who, who refused contact etc. Parents play shit games to get their own way and the courts are aware of that. He blocked her/she refused contact later. No one is covered in glory.

Howe er there are some facts that are being ignored.
OP is talking about adoption.
Adoption can only occur if those with PR rescind their rights and agree to the adoption. This is your brother, and he has not and does not have to do this.
They court can remove your brothers rights but they need to have cause. Of which their appears to be none. (No welfare issues as he hasn't been able to see the child)

If I were you I would download the form C100 from the website complete it three times, pay £215 , follow the instructions, go to court and request contact. This will be awarded. Your brother is the father. How it is awarded is a different matter and depends on the judge. It could start with supervised visits with your father as the child knows her grandfather, this time with brother present. Building up to unsupervised once she knows him. I would imagine it will be weekly/ fortnightly for a number of months until she is comfortable having EOW overnights. Part of the court process requires mediation with the mother before a hearing. He should go through this process, whereby she will refuse, he will get this signed off and proceed to the hearing.

He does not need a lawyer for a contact hearing. Vast majority of people self represent these days , ever since legal aid removed. It's no worse than having a job interview and in many ways a lot easier. Anyway, he doesn't have a choice. If he wants to have contact then this what he needs to do.

He really needs to step up. Stop being pathetic , stop using disability as a reason not to complete forms. He has to complete forms to open a bank account. The form is no more complicated. If he can't do it then get a welfare agency like CAB to assist. I
As they say, if there's a will, there's a way. Does he really have a 'will' though. ? He is a parent and needs to step up. Most parents would walk over hot coals for their children, your brother needs to put himself beyond his comfort zone and get to court .

If your brother uses the excuse of not filling through courts before because of his personal issues he may be seen to not have the mental capacity to consent or contest.

My brother requested a step-parent adoption for his DSD (I'm only using the common MN abbreviation for clarity: DSD calls my brother 'dad' and he is his dad in everything but the bio sense).

The birth father said no, everyone was absolutely devastated. However, brother and wife decided not to go through courts for a forced adoption, reasoning that perhaps this would give birth-dad a push to actually get involved in his child's life. It didn't, by the way, he still isn't bothered his arse.

So. The adoption might not go to court.
And if he doesn't want it to go to court, he has to step the fuck up and try to see his kid.

OP, do you have children or do you know any parents.
Ask yourself or them what would keep them from contact with their child/ren.
There will be your answer.
No decent parent could stand being away and would fight tooth and nail, no matter how shy and quiet they were, or if they had dyslexia.
All you have done is give excuses as to why your db deserted his child.

Your brother is getting a hard time here.

I've seen the games some mothers play with their children and their fathers. And it's not as simple as "going to court".
Not everyone has the literacy skills or finances to even know where to start.

He clearly took steps to try although he should have started them as soon as he blocked her.

What I think should happen is more mediation. He has his reasons for saying no and I'm sure Mum has reasons for request.

But a proper cafcas assessment of child's needs and wishes need to be done.

We didn't need the piece of paper, our bond was the important thing and is, still, rock solid. Over 20 years now . Something that got me through it all was the saying "any man can be a father, it takes a special one to be a dad". We're happy, and content. Although DS is all grown up and living abroad now, enjoying several inches of snow and -20C temps!

Your brother needs to develop a backbone if he wants access, OP, it won't be long until his daughter starts asking questions of her grandad, mother and stepdad. If she hasn't already.

The CAB are available for help & advice re contact. There are plenty of organisations out there, especially for dads currently, that offer help & support through the processes. There's no excuse for not even trying

Sorry OP, I don't have any legal advice to give/experiences to share, but it does sound like there's been "fault" on both sides - Mum blocking all contact even though he was paying regular maintenance; your DB not fighting hard to have contact with his DD.

I imagine a judge will take all of this into consideration. Also, give that his DD is only 7, surely there's time to build a good relationship with her bio Dad? If he doesn't want the adoption to go through, he must get proper legal advice and really start stepping up to his responsibilities.

He blocked her when the child was a baby even though he thought the mother was unstable? Wasn't he concerned about the welfare of a child with an unstable mother?

Why did they break up in the first place?

he just cant cope with going to court to get it

Diddums. If someone tried to stop my contact with my child, I'd move heaven and earth to prevent it. He hasn't been bothered enough to be a father, and the step parent has. There are no excuses to abandoning a child and certainly don't seem to be any in this case. And there's the old chestnut about the mother being vindictive too. Heard it all before.

I say this as a child whose father walked out at 5. My mother remarried when I was 13, after a LTR with my step father who then adopted me. I wanted him to adopt me - why would I want anything to do with a man who couldn't be bothered to fight for access to his own child? My step father was more of a father than someone who merely donated sperm.

Also, when a child goes through an adoption, they are still told where they come from, that they have a bio father and potential siblings, so the issue of "not knowing" her background wouldn't exist.

IMO any man who takes over the parenting of a child when the other party can't be arsed, deserves to be the father.

If you're on the other side of the world you only have your brother's word about what happened.

The very fact that your father has contact and your db doesn't speaks volumes, as does the fact that he couldn't cope with court four years ago, but now can. The adoption obviously matters more to him if he can face the fear for that when he couldn't cope with it for actual contact.

If he tries saying he was too scared (weak) to go to court for contact it will go down like a lead balloon.

I only know what you've told us, and it's glaringly obvious that your brother is a deadbeat and the little girl would be better off having her real father recognised as such. Do you have any new information?

Court looks at extended family though also, so in the OPs scenario, the father is essentially being carried as his father (child's grandad) has frequent contact.

@Fontofnoknowledge
Adoption can only occur if those with PR rescind their rights and agree to the adoption.
^That's not true

I have recent experience of step-parent adoption, OP.

Solicitors and social workers counsel the parent & SP wanting to go for it that in doing so they could be opening a can of worms... it is not unknown for the process to result in the court instead instigating contact between the child and absent parent. So that is a possibility for your brother, should he be prepared to start filling in forms and engaging with the legal process.

Having said that, it may well be that something has happened of which you are unaware that makes your brother unlikely to ever get contact. Maybe he didn’t pay maintenance until she was 3, or recently stopped. And it won’t look good for him that he broke off contact with the mother initially, left it three years and then a further four years without any contact, and never proactively sought a relationship with his daughter through the correct (legal) channel. His defence of difficulty filling in forms doesn’t set him in good light in terms of ongoing parenting - nothing in my life involves more form filling then parenting. In fact he should be grateful that her mother and step father has taken the onerous burden off him, of filling in forms to register her birth, and at GP, and with nursery, and then school, and then clubs and activities etc... etc...
Neither is being scared of court a good defence - most people find the thought of court terrifying but parents have to put their kids first and do even terrifying things when it is in their best interests.

The court will be establishing what is in the child's best interest. Not your brother’s. If he thinks that an ongoing relationship with him is in his best interest, and he’s going to get over himself and commit to trying then he can do so, understanding that it’s a long term commitment and will lean filling in many forms throughout her life and putting her wellbeing ahead of his own. If he doesn’t want that responsibility he should allow the adoption to go ahead gracefully, and look forward to her possibly making contact once she’s turned 18. Perhaps in that case he could save the money he’s currently paying in maintenance for a nest egg for her.

Would your brothers daughter recognise him in the street?

chrisjen have you actually read what I said about our father REFUSING to support my db mediating for contact. he will not say anything to the ex in fear of rocking the boat!

All the more reason for your brother to have got off his backside earlier and done something about it. Is he such a good parent (as the evidence doesn't suggest that he is) as you make out given that his own father won't help him have contact with his child?

Best interests of the child here is that her stepfather who she sees adopts her. Your db hasnt been a father to his dd.

To those that have adult children whose birth parents refused to permit them to adopt them, please make sure you have something in place now? Adults can be adopted by those that they see as parents and I would strongly recommend doing that. In my past years working in the health service, I’ve seen too many absent parents Rick up, when their adult child is ill and unable to speak for themselves and demand access. Legally the staff can’t prevent them and it can cause so much heartbreak for the ‘real’ parents who have been there for them since they were young. Please remember that they are LEGALLY the adult child’s parent and can try to force decisions, regarding their care that you don’t agree with. It becomes a power play for the selfish fuck that was the sperm donor or birth ‘mother’.

I honestly have no legal advice to give but I do have a brother who sounds 'similar' in a similar situation (ie he has given up trying to gain access to his children). It would concern me how he would manage to contest this adoption if he can't face/afford the court process to gain contact? Almost a catch 22 situation

Good point PositivelyPERF and something I need to sort out. Also not being in the UK if the worst should happen to DD her biological father would be entitled to half her estate, or all of it if I'm not around. She can't disinherit him except by having a child of her own. I've told her the cats don't count.

I think that when we have children, we have to recognise that sometimes we may come across situations where we have to put our child’s interests first - despite our own fears or desires; wants and needs.

This little girl doesn’t know your brother OP, is she even aware she HAS a different father to the man who raised her? Your brother didn’t fight for some frankly weak reasons but he made the decision not to for HIS own reasons - his ex made a decision for HER best interests and not her daughters (assuming no abuse of violence here) and now seven years later, a man who stepped up and raised this little girl wants to adopt her.

It’s an impossible situation isn’t it? A little girl could potentially have her whole world torn apart because the adults around her are acting on ego and self interest.

As an adopted child - I wouldn’t have wanted another human to walk into my life with a “suprise!!!!” And I won’t make a step to find my birth parents until both my adoptive ones have passed away.

I let a man who was (and still is to an extent) abusive to me, have contact with our children because he IS their father. All I wanted to do was grab them and run abroad. I had the means and the extended family to never be found. I didn’t. He is their father and their rights trump my needs in this case.

Blaming his ex, her new partner, anyone else has to stop. He didn’t fight for her and he now needs to own that. I don’t know what his next step should be, but he needs to own that too and be prepared to explain to his child when she asks, whenever that may be, why.

It's tough isn't it. I sympathize. My OH had similar and sadly now has no contact though has always paid maintenance (despite hell through the csa, a mistake they paid him compensation for - a whole £20 - and then put him through again) . it is very hard with an unreasonable mother. When we did see her she'd be dropped off 3 to 4 hours late with not so much as a text, just not come at all, be there regularly for months then nothing. Moved area without telling us. The list goes on. He hates it but for everyone's sanity this had to happen. Could he ask for clarification of what benefit this would bring his daughter or whether this is something she wants. It seems an odd request. Could you draft a letter for him that states he wants to do what is best for his daughter and would like to understand more about it before he agrees?

IMO your brother needs to grovel and apologise to the mother of his child. In your words, he left and blocked her when she was going through a mental hardship (for all you know she could have had post partum depression or something like it). He gave no thought/care for his child and by age three there would have already been many nights without sleep for the mother. Does he know how long she waited in walk in centres when your niece was sick? Does he know about all the vomit she cleaned? Does he know about all the times she kept a night vigil when their daughter had a high temperature? He uses his excuses and you as his sister to draw sympathy as a victim when it comes to forms? Really? Do you know how many forms must be filled for a child that is now 7 years old? You need to stop looking at this like his sister and look at this as a woman who has had a child and been abandoned to get on with it by herself. Moreover, my ex could call me 10000000 times a day, and it wouldn't stop me from getting a solicitor to make sure I had full custody if my partner was not fit to parent. And yet she seemingly went through a bout of some form of mental illness (you called her psychotic) and came through the other side to raise a brilliant 7 year old. She deserves respect.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup perhaps if you read the whole post instead of picking selective parts to score imaginary points you would have understood.
I clearly said that an adoption can only happen if those with PR rescind voluntarily. HOWEVER the court can remove PR and facilitate a forced adoption if they have just cause to do so. Which at present, based on the only info we have from OP - does not appear to be the case.
He is her father. It's a biological fact and cannot be written out of reality. Without an extremely good reason.
That said - it doesn't matter how stressed he feels by court he needs to dig deep and get to court to establish a relationship with his child .

He's successfully written himself out of her life in every practical sense of the word. A court would simply be putting that on paper