Men on a post natal ward

[RogueV]

The guy in the next bay is pissing me right off.
He just asked the midwife for a bed. Dick.

Why are they allowed to stay anyway? Shouldn’t they be going home?

Sorry just ranting.

If you can't cope with a baby for a night, without your fantastic helpful husband there, how the hell did you cope after?
Seriously? You felt the same a few hours post birth as you did a week later? My only real complication was a significant loss of blood, so whilst I was completely dependent on my DP for a day or two to help me with the most basic of tasks I was fine after that. Some women have much more traumatic births. Most women recover fairly quickly and are then up to managing at home alone within a few days or weeks.

And the empathy question? Wow. Where’s the empathy for those of us whose babies are taken in the middle of the night to NICU? Or who have very traumatic births and are unable to get themselves to even the bathroom unassisted or pick up the baby to feed them? As difficult as some women find having men in the post natal wards others will find it as difficult without them.

And yet, implicitly this is what you are doing. You are imposing your partner on all the other women in the room.
My husband isn't interested in who else is there. He's there for me and the baby(ies). As I said we did have a room after the first day, but even on that day we had no idea who was opposite us because we weren't interested. People aren't there, usually, to bother others.

I was glad to have DH with me, but we did pay for a private room (best £60 I ever spent). I think men should be allowed but there should also be security on hand to remove anyone who does not follow a strict code of conduct.

Yep @Seline and I did complain because I needed to be topless when trying to feed DD and didn't appreciate a HCA popping along to tell me "sorry love curtains need to be open" inadequate care on maternity wards is a whoooole other issue but linked to this one. It's not just staff shortages that are the issue, it's staff attitudes (see my earlier point about being treated like a uterus on a stick). I complained about a noisy family with toddlers running through my curtain when I had DS. "Nothing we can do" 🙄 apparently they don't like to tell people to STFU. Which I almost understand, abuse to NHS staff is a big problem, but this same midwife had no problem telling me that no I could not have pain relief and I HAD to walk to get my own food. They're happy to be matron-like when it comes to female patients but not visitors (of both sexes) apparently

And the empathy question? Wow. Where’s the empathy for those of us whose babies are taken in the middle of the night to NICU? Or who have very traumatic births and are unable to get themselves to even the bathroom unassisted or pick up the baby to feed them? As difficult as some women find having men in the post natal wards others will find it as difficult without them.

There is none. I nearly died and DD nearly died. Because of negligence, it was my husband who highlighted I was hemhorraging. But for some reason me feeling unsafe around the people who nearly killed us comes secondary to Linda feeling uncomfortable she saw my husband for two seconds as he walked to the loo.

LOL at ‘lazy nursing’

Yes, MWs and nursing are notoriously lazy.

Maybe it’s to do with lack of resources/staff shortages?

There’s no resources to accommodate anyone other than the women in need.

Gunpowder I completely agree with that post. I had horrible attitudes from staff including being told to calm down and my bleeding wasn't that bad only for me to need two blood transfusions. I had a few arguments with matronly staff who tried to refuse me pain relief post section too.

Baby1onboard11 it is true in many cases - the night after a c-section many hospitals do not allow curtains closed. An alarm is no use if you pass out due to internal bleeding.

Seline what about the women feeling anxious and alone having just given birth, fastened to the bed with drains and drips, catheterised, trying to breast feed, bleeding, tits out, alone because they are single or because their own husband is looking after their toddler - and having to put up with all that you are putting up with with your husband and 4 other men sitting a few cm away, wandering to and from the toilet making noise and walking past her bed, talking all night, staring into space due to tiredness perhaps but as far as she can see staring at her tits.

The people who insist they need their husbands 24/7 are the only ones who absolutely refuse any compromise for other women - it's all me, me, me, I want, I want. The wards are open to family 12 or 14 hours a day, the lights are dimmed at night, staffing levels are lower, patients are trying to catch what sleep or dozing rest they can and other people's visitors 24/7 mean that is often impossible even without starting on the subject of the actively nasty ones.

My DP gave birth at a hospital where partners were allowed to stay overnight on postnatal wards (though not on the special care ward DD went into later on - she got sepsis). On an individual level I'm so glad I was there and I think DP got a pretty appalling level of care (not because any individual midwife or nurse was bad, but because they were horribly overcrowded and busy, and their online system kept crashing, so there was no one keeping proper track of things like morphine doses). But I think unless and until people can be guaranteed a private room, it's definitely not ideal partners stay on wards. It is intrusive and for some women it is scary.

Mind you, the thing that unceasingly pissed me off at the time was the ward was totally incapable of figuring out that DP had a female partner and did stupid things like refusing to let me get food for her until I explained about 90 times she was a woman who'd just had a section, was catheterised and couldn't get out of bed so I was fetching something for her. This, by the way, suggests to me it must be common that recently postpartum women would go stand in a line to get their husbands a nice hospital dinner.

@seline and @cookit - I agree with you both

@gunpowdergelatine

And you've revealed your true colours, not as a reasonable feminist, but as another foul misandrist masquerading as one.

Your hatred of all men has clouded your ability to read and sensibly interpret what I've said.

The problem is that the ward are too crowded and impersonal, and this is restricitng peoples free choice to decide what suits their situation without unduly impacting on others.

There's loads of work and literature about how women feel disconnected from their children if they're on icu, so why do you think the same doesn't apply to men?

And your last comment is fucking appalling, why should I look at the behaviour of 'my own sex' - if you'd just told a black person in public to look at the behaviour of their own race, you'd be being looking at a complaint to the police right now for a hate crime.

Ye, but you've every bleeding heart saying they can't cope without their wonderful DH there.
Society has gone to hell in a handbasket.

@Seline I could write a book about bad postnatal care (I actually started a thread years ago about it and a journo contacted me for an interview - I declined as worked for the NHS at the time and didn't want to rock the boat, but I would absolutely do it now). Never have I ever in adult life been treated like a stupid child the way I was when I was in hospital having my children. I know we are not supposed to slag off NHS staff, unsung heroes and all that, but I'm sorry I have had too many bad experiences and so have others to make me think that maternity staff attitudes are anything but completely unacceptable.

For those who may have babies in the future, if you are having very bad care PLEASE call PALS from your bed and tell them. It's not acceptable and we need to start taking better care of ourselves and having higher expectations. To refuse to help you pick your baby up (which is actually very hard leaning over those cots when you've had a section) or left to bleed onto the floor is utterly deplorable, please do not tolerate this.

what about the women feeling anxious and alone having just given birth, fastened to the bed with drains and drips, catheterised, trying to breast feed, bleeding, tits out, alone because they are single or because their own husband is looking after their toddler - and having to put up with all that you are putting up with with your husband and 4 other men sitting a few cm away, wandering to and from the toilet making noise and walking past her bed, talking all night, staring into space due to tiredness perhaps but as far as she can see staring at her tits.

I had someone opposite me on a ward before I got a room watching TV all night. I couldn't sleep. I hate the noise of TV, it really made me uncomfortable. Far more uncomfortable than a quiet man would've made me. Yet I had to put up with it because it's her choice what she does in her bedspace.

Too many selfish people.

Plus there is something unpleasant about the casual cruelty to new mothers. And people seem to take pride in it. Very odd.

It’s not on at all.

It’s one of the most vulnerable times in your life. You don’t want Jordan, 21 year old weed smoker with a neck tattoo staring at you from the opposite bay when you are biting your hand with pain from breastfeeding.

Oh and no TVs beyond a certain time is common sense.

Personal choice within a "Bespace" my eye!

Its a fetishization of Individualism versus group good sense.

Never have I ever in adult life been treated like a stupid child the way I was when I was in hospital having my children. I know we are not supposed to slag off NHS staff, unsung heroes and all that, but I'm sorry I have had too many bad experiences and so have others to make me think that maternity staff attitudes are anything but completely unacceptable.

My absolute favourites are

1. a woman came in to get me dressed 24 hours after my cesarean. I had seen DS1 for 3 minutes before he was blue lighted to a larger hospital for severe RDS and sepsis. I got the woman I didn't want to speak to anyone and I didn't want to get dressed, and I wanted to be left alone. She proceeded to pull my clothes off and told me to stop being silly and that if I behaved she'd take me to scbu to see my son. My son wasn't even in that scbu.

2. being told my massive hemmhorage was just spotting five hours before needing a transfusion

3. Missing the drugs round because I was with DD in NICU as they thought she was dying and then being told when I dragged myself back to the ward that I couldn't have my paracetamol as it was my fault I wasn't there

4. The consultant told me to ask for morphine as I needed it due to the trauma and pain I had. I asked for morphine and was refused. I told them what the consultant said and they relented but only gave me half a dose as "they wanted me to go home" . Same day I was told DD was critical.

And you've revealed your true colours, not as a reasonable feminist, but as another foul misandrist masquerading as one

Oh no, however will I cope with a man not thinking I'm nice

Your hatred of all men has clouded your ability to read and sensibly interpret what I've said.

And your hatred for women and their need to not have men around is palpable - I hop your 7 children are sons not daughters

There's loads of work and literature about how women feel disconnected from their children if they're on icu, so why do you think the same doesn't apply to men?

Because they haven't given birth. Plenty of hospitals have a "no overnight stay for partner" policy - do you think none of these men ever bond with their children for the next 18 years?And I'm pretty sure women with children in ICU don't get home and say "well I'm not lifting a finger because I wasn't there all the time in hospital" - which is what YOU suggested men should do.

And your last comment is fucking appalling, why should I look at the behaviour of 'my own sex' - if you'd just told a black person in public to look at the behaviour of their own race, you'd be being looking at a complaint to the police right now for a hate crime

Wow men do not like being called out on the bad behaviour of their sex do they? Does it really not concern you these stories people are telling about men's behaviour?

Why should women be the ones to always worry about and correct men's behaviour? Do you not call out your Male peers when they make sexist comments or display apologist behaviour? If not why not?

I wouldn't tell a black person that because they are not an oppressed class who do untold damage to white people. and yes you should be looking at how you can help improve behaviours of the oppressive class you're a part of - anyone who is part of an oppressive class should. Sorry that hurts your feelings and threatens your privilege.

Seline, try putting up with that for 7 weeks

Seline wards should be as quiet as possible at night - medical treatment and crying babies aside there shouldn't be unnecessary noise. The TV watching woman should have been told to use headphones, she shouldn't have been watching TV with the sound up, just as visitors shouldn't be there between 10pm and 6am. Human beings are more invasive than TVs to most people, especially strangers of the opposite sex when you've just had a baby or a c-section and have parts of your body usually not on show out due to breast feeding or medical equipment. However there is no need or excuse for the TV noise at night either.

My DD has been in hospital over the last week or so - she's got obstetric cholestatis and needs a lot of monitoring. She was in floods of tears with her DH over the 4 men staying overnight on the 6 bed ward. It was cramped, noisy, there was no privacy and the men were happily using the patient only toilet rendering it unusable on several occasions. It's not right and I've already written the local NHS trust about it on her behalf.

Where else but in hospital would you have to sleep in a room with other men you've never met? It's a narrow minded policy as per usual aimed at placating the minority as no one I've ever met has said it's a good idea.

@Seline I'm sorry you experienced that, no matter what anyone's views are on men on maternity wards, no one should have to put up with that appalling level of care.