Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

I hardly hear from the couples friends I had with XH, funny how they were saying they'd always be there for me 6 months ago. I'm somewhat glad about that though as they seem to look down on me sometimes for not having the perfect little family

Disabled (MS) single Mum of one 4yr old with potential ASD. Haven't RTFT but I'm fed up today. Some of the judgemental comments on MN make me feel truly hated and insignificant compared to some of the 'high class' women on this forum.

I relish the independence and control of single parent hood. I really do. I have a 5 and 8 year old and absolutely no family support whatsoever.

On a day to day level, it’s very manageable. I run a very tight ship, meticulously organised, tidy and efficient.

BUT

I find that it is things like holidays etc where being on my own comes in to sharp focus. The physicality if loading up the car with suitcases, checking in, and then getting luggage off and out the airport in an unfamiliar country, at night, getting to hotel, checking in, luggage to room.... all on my own, with two tired young children and I’m fairly substantially underweight so not exactly much physical prowess! It is in these situations that I really feel the absence jd another parent

But for 90% of the time, I love it. I’m under no illusion though that helped by fact I don’t have serious money problems.

@Mummylife2018

Perhaps it’s naive but I don’t sense judgement towards single mothers on mumsnet at all. What threads are you referring to?

Mummylife2018 if you have time read the thread and feel part of an amazing bunch of people bringing up their DC by themselves. It is in the main absolute confirmation that we are awesome.

I haven’t felt judged for being a single mother per se.

I have been very judged for being single by choice.

@JacquesHammer

What do you mean “single by choice”? Not saying etc?

Me neither. Never felt remotest whiff of judgement

Not dating

What a great thread. I've read all the posts and can relate to so much of it. Have been on my own for more than a decade and am just used to going it alone, so it's nice to stop and think about how well I'm doing, and we all are doing. What an uplifting thread for January.

The main stressors for me really is the exh and the emotional side, especially now dcs are teens. The practical side (I'm sure I never got this many blocked drains when married ) is hard but I'm used to it.
But EOW has a high price to pay with an arsehole ex tbh.

I sometimes feel judged and am judged, but I've had to get much more of a thick skin than I used to. I don't get invited to married peoples things but then again it's hard to make friends or have a social life anyway because of limited time. Easier each year as dcs older. I have been told a married friend 'just like a single mum' because her dh away. No idea why people say that.

Kikipost

Yep. Not dating. Never will. Not interested.

I’ve been told I’m setting a bad example, devaluing her father yada yada

Devaluing her father by not dating?

Yeah. To be fair that was one of the more bonkers comments (and from a man, surprise surprise).

I think he thought that by proving I didn’t need a man, I was showing men to be useless or some such nonsense

Very odd.

Perhaps I live in a bubble. I’m a single mother and not dated since divorce 2.5 years ago and no plans too. I have never, not once, encountered any negative opinion on my situation. Only respect for all that I balance on my own.

Kiki you mean you don’t even get well-meaning choruses of “I have a friend you might like...” and “never say never”

Oh I’ve had “never say never!” And I agree with them when they say that!

A friend’s lovely husband mentioned a work colleague had seen a pic of me and wondered whether I might like to go for a drink. I said thanks but no thanks. And that was the end of it

Other than that, no. And never anything negative

And I agree with them when they say that!

Ah see I don’t. I’m categorically saying never.

I have never, not once, encountered any negative opinion on my situation. Only respect for all that I balance on my own.

That's lucky I think. I can honestly say I get virtually zero in terms of recognition for doing it alone (no family, so that might be a factor) and nothing but grief from exh, even though he left me, and I have had a parent slag off single mums to my face and men do that who I've encountered when out. I feel wholly unsupported and have had to encounter numerous difficult situations (dcs seriously ill and so on) with pretty much zero support. It feels like I'm constantly having to draw on resources that I didn't know I had. It's a massive massive struggle. I know people on here get it. In rl my experience has been that people don't.

I never say never
Life has thrown me way too many curve balls for me to use that word!

But why do you feel “very judged” when they say that?

@Bananaramaspyjamas

I have no family support whatsoever (parents deceased, estranged sister).

The positive comments I have received since divorcing have been from close friends simply saying along the lines of “bloody hell you do a good job of flying solo Kiki!” That kind of thing.

Yep! Glad I did it though.

What they’re basically saying is “come on silly girl, you can’t possibly know your own mind. It’s not valid for you to say you’ll stay single, you will change your mind because all women need a man”.

I started responding by asking how soon after the divorce they’d start dating. When they say “what, we’re not getting divorced” I’ll say “never say never”. They get it then

That's great Kikiand you do
To be fair I do have one friend who says that occasionally. I think my experience has been that after such a long time doing it alone, people are just used to it and wouldn't even thing to comment anyway iyswim

That’s a good one jacques!

You're all amazing! If any of you are Wokingham/Reading area we run a support group for single parents and their children. We love welcoming new faces!

It is so so hard but there are positives:

• bed all to yourself
• go to sleep when you like
• nobody harassing you for sex
• you decide where to go at the weekend
• no in-laws to deal with
• eat ice cream for dinner if you like
• watch what you want on the tv
• even closer relationship with DC
• no need to argue over who does what/who is more tired etc
• no need to consultant another adult over your decisions
• big pants all day every day
• No boring domestic conversations
• have your home as you like it
• less washing
• DCs can share bed if you want to