Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

@JacquesHammer men devalue themselves they don't need help! My dds say things quite often they suggest they are very sceptical that men are capable of much - direct examples from exh if forgetting things weekly. They really question men doing quite a few jobs including the police force 'surely the men just drive the cars and the ladies catch the robbers mummy?'
They both have male teachers this year which I am hoping will balance this a bit but I'm not doing fake news...

I am off sick today with a chest infection & so have a chance to read the thread in full. Really helps reading everyone’s experiences, they resonate so much.

I’m on my own with 3 kids (11,9,7); it’s been 5 years and I am still struggling to accept the awful abusive marriage (how did I get myself into it?) and the failure of my marriage, I feel so guilty (I’ve finally arranged counselling, badly needed)

I work full time, no family support locally (have a big family but they are all elsewhere) and I’m overall pretty organised, and YES like PPs, managing life in general is much easier without my abusive ex.

BUT it’s the never-ending nature of it, I will always drop the ball somewhere no matter what.
This from a pp
I manage a team at work and feel stretched so thin the whole time with home life I find it very difficult to muster anything else to give. Struggle with it on a daily basis and it makes my brain scream

I’m exactly the same - I can manage in work but struggle to have anything for kids (tho working on it for 2019); it’s so hard when they say it to me.

My ex sees the kids as he lives locally but just for some playtime / watch a match etc. He never had them overnight until very recently but has taken them twice and tho it hasn’t gone great for kids, and they come back like lunatics, it’s some bit of time for me.

He does absolutely no parenting. That’s the hardest bit - every child related problem I’ve to deal with and I doubt myself all the time.

But for me the falling away of friends, all of whom are married with kids, is just the worst. I’ve almost no-one to talk to / meet now and absolutely no-one I could ask for help. I’ve good work pals but it wouldn’t translate really to outside of work. The loneliness is crushing at times, I’m sociable and outgoing by nature and still am but the deeper friendships aren’t there now.

Queenofthedrivensnow I have one of each and I do worry that my DC have had no positive male role models, particularly DS. Their dad has been useless to the point of barely being part of their lives, he is inconsistent, not trustworthy, has let them down on numerous occasions and is a constant source of disappointment. I never needed to tell them what a dickhead he was, he managed to do it all by himself.

The other adult males in the wider family have again been a source of disappointment or barely thereness. So many broken promises to do activities, which have never materialised.

So I really worry, as I know that poor role models can have a lasting negative effect. I've done my best to be 'everything', but of course I'm not (I'm not that deluded! ) and so do wonder how it will pan out for them with their own adult relationships.

@MargoLovebutter outside school the dds have no male role models. Not close ones anyway

I worry about my DS not having a male role model in his life... but his dad is not a good role model anyway.

Me too on the male role models (I’ve 2 sons) but there are great role models in my own family tho not local to us.
Tho I worry more about my daughter (11) who I think is most affected, and in her future relationships.

He does absolutely no parenting. That’s the hardest bit - every child related problem I’ve to deal with and I doubt myself all the time.

But for me the falling away of friends, all of whom are married with kids, is just the worst. I’ve almost no-one to talk to / meet now and absolutely no-one I could ask for help

The loneliness is crushing at times, I’m sociable and outgoing by nature and still am but the deeper friendships aren’t there now.

earringsandlipstick thank you for putting all this into words. I feel exactly the same. It is actually such a comfort to remember there are others. Sometimes I can forget theres other people in this boat feeling like this.

I worry about my dcs and their future relationships too. So much. But what we can and are role modelling is this, better to be alone than put up with a shitty relationship. At least they will have that. One parent who really loves and cares about them is still a good start in life that many unfortunately do not have.

Oh Bananarama I’m glad you feel like this too. In RL there’s no-one in a similar situation (I seem to have an extremely homogenous group of friends & acquaintances!) and I can feel quite mad at times thinking ‘is this just me?’ 😂

This thread is brilliant.

Yes Bananarama I think the same & hope that the ‘one good parent’ view will work. But I often feel I’m not good enough - I’m snappy and cross, I feel sometimes I put too much pressure on my kids, which if they had another parent involved would be diluted a bit, and at the moment my 11yo daughter is being a nightmare and despite many calm conversations I just lost it with her last night 🤦🏻‍♀️

I find this. I have friends and I am still included in some couple things, but we didn't have a huge amount of friends, due to XH being very socially awkward. He just wouldn't talk to anyone. Anyway, since he left I have been lucky to still be invited out for meals, parties etc.

BUT, it gets very lonely at the weekends. people always seem to be doing family stuff. I would love to have SP friends who I could suggest going out for a Sunday carvery, or a trip to the beach for an ice cream etc. Married friends don't want to do this as they want to be with their partners.

XH doesn't do any parenting. He expects to just see DC as and when it suits him. He dictates the days, time, everything. He once referred to looking after DC as "babysitting. I never asked him again. In the early days he would message the day before his weekend saying "Im going football do you want me to pick DC up after or the next day". i would reply and say, "err you pick them up as normal and arrange a babysitter if you aren't going to be there". I was labelled as totally unreasonable for expecting him to have them EOW on the times it didn't suit him.

If anything it is easier having DC 99% of the time, because I just plan our life and get on with it.

Teaches - your list:
It is so so hard but there are positives

• bed all to yourself
• go to sleep when you like
• nobody harassing you for sex
• you decide where to go at the weekend
• no in-laws to deal with
• eat ice cream for dinner if you like
• watch what you want on the tv
• even closer relationship with DC
• no need to argue over who does what/who is more tired etc
• no need to consultant another adult over your decisions
• big pants all day every day
• No boring domestic conversations
• have your home as you like it
• less washing
• DCs can share bed if you want to

Teaches I’m not picking on you, I see what you mean but personally - this kind of list - and I’ve got versions of this over the years [one my favourites was when I confided in a school mum, 6 months after ex had left, close to tears and she cheerily replied ‘well at least you can watch what you want on TV. I’d love that.’ I couldn’t believe it.] drives me insane.
None of this even touches the surface for me if what I and my kids have lost. Yes I need to move on (hence, finally, counselling!) but I feel I’ll regret for ever the loss of the family life I’d always imagined.

EarringsandLipstick hope you feel better soon.

I've lost the closeness with many friends too, simply because I haven't had the time or availability to keep them up.

It is really hard to justify babysitting expense for what will already be a fairly pricey night. So even though I've been included on 'girls' nights to cinema / theatre / wine bar etc, when all my friends OH's would be at home with their DC, I'd have to cough up another £20-30 on top for babysitting and I couldn't justify it that often and I think in the end they probably stopped asking me.

Also, as I work full-time, I felt bad pissing off out and leaving the DC with a sitter, as I'd have only seen them for 30 mins and that just felt hard for them.

I know that this is first world stuff and there are single parents out there struggling to find money for food, but it did feel as though my former life was cut off from me.

Since the DC have got older, I'm trying to rebuild those friendships but it is hard and I've definitely lost some of my joie de vivre. I'm trying though.

One parent who really loves and cares about them is still a good start in life that many unfortunately do not have. That is a very good and very cheering point Bananarama - thank you.

I drum into my kids all the time that mummy will always be there. I never want them to think exh behaviour is normal or acceptable. I get to all their plays and assemblies and blah. Occasionally I send my mum but only if I'm in court (work). I'm lucky I work flexi but I do the job because it's flexi. What really grinds my gears about exh is he feigns being busy. He works off shore so when he's not away working he's not fucking busy. I work full time, have the dds on my own and study. I'm fucking busy but I get there.

I’ve only felt judged once - by someone I thought of as a good friend. It was a bit of a wake up call (we are no longer friends) but it has made me a little anxious and very cautious about who I can trust. I’ve distanced myself from that group of friends now (and questioned whether we were friends in the first place).

XH also does no parenting - can guarantee the DCs will come home after 24 hours at his left with their phones all night, not showered and not a clean tooth between them. He bought a flat that was too small to accommodate all his children so they don’t want to go there, but donit out of obligation if they must.

I am a much nicer person for being divorced. After much soul searching and counselling I learnt that I was permanently living in a state of high anxiety, and all the physical, emotional and mental torture living in an abusive relationship brings. It took a while to set those boundaries but I hold them firm now. People don’t understand why I don’t insist he parents, why I don’t insist he takes responsibility and share the childcare. Because my boundaries are firm and I can’t have so much as a crack in them. He will be the father he will be. My friends who have tried to enforce some sort of fairness are still fighting the same battle years later. That’s not for me.

I am dating. I met someone online after a brief flirt with internet dating. Only dipped my toe in for future reference.

He is the opposite of XH in every way. He understands my set up - and seems to have infinite patience. He doesn’t want to step into my family life, and I don’t want him to either. We don’t see a lot of each other, and there’s very few overnights, but it’s a lovely thing when we do.

Sorry, that was really long 🤭

Bananas my friend said the other day, that DC will grow up with trust issues, low self esteem, and various other things due to the fact that their father doesn't consider them important enough to bother with.

I do my best to build DC up , without rubbishing their father, whilst trying to impress that we are all different as people and also that not all men are like that. It's not easy .

Bloody hell hamster that’s some friend 😳

I do my best to build DC up , without rubbishing their father, whilst trying to impress that we are all different as people and also that not all men are like that. It's not easy grin.

sounds like a great approach

I also have a lot of self doubt. The closest I've ever come to a breakdown was I think in the summer when I had to make some huge life changing decisions for all of us. I doubted myself so much and it's the only time I've really had to reach out to a couple of friends for mental health support. Then I read something which said something like - there are no bad decisions , because (obviously) you never know how the alternative decision would have turned out! The key is to make a decision and make it work. That really helped me and I hold on to that a lot of the time.

God O4FS this is spot on for me too, thank you.

I am a much nicer person for being divorced. After much soul searching and counselling I learnt that I was permanently living in a state of high anxiety, and all the physical, emotional and mental torture living in an abusive relationship brings. It took a while to set those boundaries but I hold them firm now. People don’t understand why I don’t insist he parents, why I don’t insist he takes responsibility and share the childcare. Because my boundaries are firm and I can’t have so much as a crack in them. He will be the father he will be. My friends who have tried to enforce some sort of fairness are still fighting the same battle years later. That’s not for me.

And yes I got this so much, oh, just leave the kids with him, MAKE him do his fair share. I’ve largely just left it now. He thinks he’s ‘won’ as I don’t challenge him now but it’s just some form of self-preservation. He has a great life tho - he hated the restrictions of marriage & kids, now he’s in a relationship, can indulge his cycling hobby as he wishes, impromptu trips to cinema, meals out and people always inviting him for meals in their house. It’s hard to look at that.

However we aren’t divorced (in Ireland, must wait 4 years) & I’m dragging my heels much to my solicitor’s frustration as I can’t face it. But I know when I get my ass in gear, getting some finality will help. Maybe even financially as despite a full time job & getting some maintenance I don’t think it’s enough & the financial struggles are endless.

It's getting much harder to build exh up. Kids are older now and see when he lies, let's them down, loses or forgets their stuff.

Also and thankfully dd1 (who is super compliant) has started to tell me things like 'daddy is really very boring sometimes. If I start trying to talk about something he starts talking about some other thing for ages that I'm not interested in at all' me: 'you mean he's going on at you?'dd1: 'yes I don't like it mummy!!'

That's exh to a t and my father too

hamster that's awful. Makes you wonder if the friend's just using your situation to make herself 'feel better' about her own parenting. I think people do this a lot with single mums.
Most parents I would have thought worry about their parenting and what impact it will have on dcs. Its not like couples always get it right.

It's just that we don't have anyone to share the 'blame' with if it all goes wrong. No doubt the absent useless exes would be first in the line to dole out criticism

I like that Bananarama - a good perspective remembering that couples don’t get it right too but can share the ‘blame’. Going to file that one away for future reference

Thank you earringsandlipstick
I've got so much out of this thread and reading peoples experiences. Thanks for starting it OP

I've been made to feel a bit weird in lots of ways. No one gives a shit about feeding choices when you don't have babies but I remember several people who were incredulous I fed dd2 for so long as a single parent of a baby and a 3 year old.

I have a childless colleague now who makes me feel like I make her look bad because I'm more organised with my work load on top of being a single parent. I don't judge and I've HAD to be organised to the point of being Monica for 7 years now!!

My nickname at work is Monica...