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Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

999 replies

Janeyscleavage · 21/01/2019 00:21

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours' Hmm

OP posts:
O4FS · 22/01/2019 21:48

Oh Vampirethriller, that’s tough I know. I was on my own with DC1. From what I remember I was either blissfully happy or on my knees.

Do you have friends around for company?

nos123 · 22/01/2019 21:51

My mum was a single mother and I appreciate everything she’s done for me so much. Single mothers are truly amazing women.

whenthewhistleblows · 22/01/2019 23:12

Nos123 - do you mind my asking if you always appreciated everything she had done, or if it’s something that came later? (Eg when you had kids of your own).

I don’t feel like my kids get it at all, but why would they, they’re 11 and 9 and have never really known any different. They adore their dad, who sees them a couple of times a year, on his own terms (ie they must go to his country (which isn’t terribly far away), but he won’t come here) and who I’ve had to take to court for maintenance.

I’ve had a really bruising day and I’m really feeling done in.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Queenofthedrivensnow · 22/01/2019 23:18

@vampirethriller out the door to baby groups you need to build a network. Saved my sanity. One dog benefit is the health aspect. The winter after we got ddog the dds stopped getting colds. Dd1 hasn't blown her nose in 4 years now. Dd2 once in a blue moon. Me once a year max. And dd2 has permanent snot before that!! Hope you have a sling x

WontBeUsingPassMyParcelAgain · 22/01/2019 23:28

I've been a single parent for nearly 6 years since dh died suddenly. My boys have medical issues and lots of hospital appointments (with the occasional ambulance thrown in for good measure). They don't sleep with any consistency either, due to the health stuff, and I am constantly utterly knackered. I've had about 8 nights off in nearly 6 years. It doesn't take much for small things to feel overwhelming, but I can do a lot of practical things that other friends would never even attempt. My boys seem to think I do a good job. It would be lovely not to always have to be bad cop though.

windygallows · 23/01/2019 07:31

LP here too - it's been 7 years (with a brief reconciliation in between that resulted in DC2) and it's exhausting. I also work FT - anyone else working FT and how do you find juggling everything? I find it doable but do feel like a robot and hobbies, reading, anything like that has fallen to the wayside, making me less and less an interesting person and more of a workbot.

Sorry about your DH Wontbe.

Yabbers · 23/01/2019 08:33

Not a single mum. Do have times when DH is away and it's bad enough for a few days. Having to do that permanently must be really tough.

Big shout out to all of you having to do it all and as a reward being wrongly blamed for all society's ills. Thanks

Yummytummy123 · 23/01/2019 09:23

Hi all I just wanted to ask what you do when it's one of those days where everything goes wrong and the last little thing tips you over the edge? I am really struggling at the moment this is not what I thought my life would be and I just want to cry all the time. I just wish I had some kind of family member to go to who would give a hug and day it will be ok but there's no one. So so sick of it

MargoLovebutter · 23/01/2019 09:41

Yabbers I realise you are trying to be kind but seriously, do we really need to hear that there are people who blame us for all society's ills.

Fuck me, I didn't actually think there were people who genuinely thought like that and I feel really pissed off now. I work full-time, have two DC, one with ASD who I've sold my soul to pay for him to go to a special school with no help from the state. I'm involved with a charity too, who I volunteer for every week and I'm involved with my local community. Both DC did really well in their exams, one of them has done A levels and is now at uni - the other on their way to A levels. Bloody, bloody bollocks to all of society's ills!!!!!!!!!!! I am a massive contributor to a good society.

Yummytummy123 I am so sorry that you are having a really tough time at the moment. Have a cry and let it all out. Sometimes it is just shit and for me it was better to acknowledge that - at least to myself - than try and pretend it wasn't. Accept a virtual hug from me - if I were around I'd give you one. Once you've had a good old cry, do something nice for yourself, however small and say to yourself "it won't be like this forever" because I absolutely promise you that it won't be.

Ratonastick · 23/01/2019 09:49

Waves to my sisters!!!

An earl poster described it as a “perpetual wheel”. I am definitely going to steal that phrase. I have been a LP since DS was 6 months (he’s 16 now) and am incredibly lucky as I have lega family support. But I have to make every single decision. My brain can never stop, not even for a few minutes, because if it does something somewhere will be fucked. Then I will have to spend time I don’t have unfucking it.

My friend is a single with no kids. It was my birthday a few months ago and I had invited a few people for drinks. She got here about an hour early for a chat and a cuppa before the main event. The place was a tip, my timing and organisation had gone to shit so laundry everywhere, dirty plates piled high, etc. She took one look, ordered me off to have a shower and get myself ready and when I came back, the place was immaculate. Clean as a pin, laundry folded/hung up/ even a few bits ironed, washing up done and put away, floors swept, everything just perfect and ready, it was honestly the best birthday present ever, like Mary Poppins had visited. But the reason I described her as single / childfree is that she is the only one of my friends who would do such things. She tells me she worries about how much I have in my plate and offers to help. She used to take DS for odd days out when he was younger to give me time. She is just so quietly supportive. I don’t really know another single Mum, but none of the other coupled up mums would ever do something like that. I just feel a bit like they look at me with pity but slightly laced with a tiny sense of superiority.

BlancheM · 23/01/2019 09:51

Yabbers I've been a mostly single mother for 13 years. Not once have I ever felt like I'm the reason for society's ills. I thought that was a stigma from the 60s! My experiences are very positive, thank you. Shout out to all you women with husbands to cope with 😂

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/01/2019 09:54

Just wanted to say that my mum was a single parent to me and my brother. I have no idea how she managed it, so a big hug to all those lone parents out there.

vampire try to get out to a baby group or similar. Churches tend to have them on, maybe look on their websites or see if there's anything on a notice board outside. We run one out of our Church hall and we try really hard to make new people welcome and we definitely will make you a hot drink, provide biscuits and offer to hold your baby while you drink it. Unfortunately we can't help with having a bath. Community centres might be a place to also look and maybe google family centres too. Don't give up if the first group isn't for you though.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/01/2019 09:56

@Ratonastick what a lovely friend. I'm welling up just reading that.

misstakenone · 23/01/2019 10:15

ratonastick - your friend sounds amazing that is such a kind thing to do as she obviously "gets it" . I think you are spot on about people feeling pity/sense of superiority.
I hate asking for help but when it is offered I am just amazingly grateful. Few and far between people that do it and I always try to make sure I pay any favours back in one way or another.
I am loving this thread. I hope it continues on as a place for us all to talk it through. It really does help knowing there are other out there in the same position as feels like I am the only one sometimes!!!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/01/2019 10:22

I just feel a bit like they look at me with pity but slightly laced with a tiny sense of superiority.

Definitely! However I love being a single mother and occasionally look at their husbands and feel the same way - I just hope I hide it better.

tootyfruitypickle · 23/01/2019 10:29

Agree totally with so many sentiments on this thread - the exhaustion of the mental load due to making ALL the decisions, schools etc.

But I also, look at married people, especially those woman who constantly seem to defer to their dh's opinions, and think - THANK GOD that i saw the light and got out. I would never have chosen this road initially but now I would always, always choose to do this on my own. It really is so much better and I love that my dd sees me managing everything on my own - especially the diy jobs using you tube vids (although I haven't yet mastered a drill - that is to come....).

I really would never ever want to get married again. I feel like the scales have been lifted from my eyes as I never would have considered that being single was better. So fulfilled. But yes, knackered!

tootyfruitypickle · 23/01/2019 10:30

Although next time I'd choose a sperm donor as the thing that exhausts me the most is dealing with ex twat.

ZigZagZombie · 23/01/2019 10:37

Single mum with no family and no friends around.

My eldest came into my bed last night distressed and with stomach pain. I woke up to an email from HMRC which I can't seem to log on to read. Eldest distressed because he's being severely bullied at school and so is off again. I work from home - so that's going by the wayside as I try and keep him together. I've not hoovered for a fortnight.

I'm just trying to hold it all together with half a smile on my face.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/01/2019 10:42

ZigZag be careful with emails from HMRC - there are a lot of scam ones about so never use links to log in (sorry, I'm sure you know that).

Ratonastick · 23/01/2019 10:54

I’m so pleased that people get it about my pal. I slightly hesitated to post as I didn’t want to sound like I was being snarky about her as she doesn’t have kids. She is generally pretty awesome, but that day was above and beyond. However it really brought it home that my Mum friends don’t support me so much. I think it is partly because she lives alone so has all the hassle of being on her own and having to do everything and can see that I have the same with a DS thrown in. She also understands judgement from other people.

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2019 11:08

ZigZag Flowers Sorry you and your children are having a rough time.

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

Someone I follow on Twitter has literally just said this Grin "Now I know how hard it is being a single parent, has been working away since Monday"

Wow, two WHOLE days? Yup you definitely know Wink

isthismylifenow · 23/01/2019 11:28

Ratona, your friend sounds great.

When i got seperated I was horribly ousted by the big group of couples friends that we had. One of these friends has since seperated. Her stbx is a total dweeb and has her so downtrodden, some things are beyond flabbergasting. This particular friend gave me the cold shoulder when I separated,and if I ever saw her, would say things like I dont know how you do it all etc. Now she is in the same situation. So, guess who was the first one at her door when she was feeling all down. Yip me. Who is the one she calls, yes me. Some of my family who know the situation ask me over and over why I am her support base, but she (or none of them) were there for me when I needed it. All i say is that she didn't know any better. People can only imagine what its like, but they don't really know.

She lay in bed for days, (i was really quite worried about her, her teen dc didnt take it well and it cause a lot of problems ), went to the shops, bought some basics for the cupboard, tidied the kitchen, and tidied up a bit etc.

I know what that meant to her, she didnt even have to say it. We have become a lot more close now, although to be honest we dont see each other as much as we say we will, as you all know, spare time isnt always in our favour.

So yes, there have been a few comments from posters who are saying hats off to you it must be difficult. I know its meant well, but you really will never ever know until you are in the situation. Not only are we physically responsible for every single thing in the home, but the mental side of it as just as huge. And there isnt someone there to bash a few ideas around with. Keep in mind that most single parents are single because they are come through a trauma of some sort as well.

isthismylifenow · 23/01/2019 11:34

Jacques, I have a friend like that. Her dh works away for a week a month. She told me she understands how hard it is now. Hmm This was a week after they got back from a week long holiday without the dc. She doesnt have a fucking clue. I have given up trying to tell her it isnt just about him not physically being there for whoa, a whole 5 days. But she keeps on bleating her single week phrase.

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2019 11:37

isthismylifenow

Nod and smile, nod and smile Grin Totally true what you said though about being away physically doesn't mean being away mentally.

Twitter twonk's husband is back tomorrow lunchtime. I mean come on Grin

Queenofthedrivensnow · 23/01/2019 11:38

I think the response to 'I don't know how you do it all' for me, is 'but I can though' Wink

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