Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

Criticising? Absolutely not. And I'm not targeting all single mum, just the ones who pull the "woe is me, it's so hard" then drop the kids off and have a weekend off. There are many more others who would rather stay with their kids all the time than co-parent, I understand that. But the ones I mean are the ones who think their life is harder than anyone else's, even though they have some help and support.
Btw, I'm not totes great, I make plenty of mistakes. But I won't have someone specifically targeting me on a thread solely because she misinterpreted how my comment came across saying I'm trying to slate other single mums.

@researchandbiscuitfan

I’m so sorry. Are you tunnocks?

Good afternoon team! Thanks for posting OP. Have been feeling a bit down and trapped lately - have been full time, on my own working single parent since my son was 8 months old. My son is now 3 and just starting court ordered contact with his dad for 4 hours per month

What I'm most scared of is forgetting all the funny and cute things your children do when you're the only one to see them. I've also realised my only 'hobby' is Netflix. Need to get a life but no idea how?

I'm going to reiterate again how great we all are and every single one of us, with our own unique set of circumstances, deserves recognition for that.

It doesn't matter how you find yourself single parenting, whether you are still struggling to deal with a nightmare ex, whether you were widowed, whether you suffered abuse, whether you never ever had an DP or DH - no matter what the circumstances and they will be many and varied, the fact that you are parenting on your own and handling the varying amounts of shit that comes with that by yourself, makes you magnificent in my opinion.

Sorry if that sounds too Pollyanna for some, but I think it would be a shame to not recognise it. I don't know about all of you, but I don't find anyone banging down my door to offer their congratulations, so it would be a pity if we can't do that ourselves.

MargoLovebutter

What a lovely post. Very well said!

Being a single parents means it is ALWAYS your turn.

The EOW ‘off’ is a bit of a myth if you ask me. I don’t know any single parents in my circle of friends who get this. We have all struggled to get whatever we can to relieve the responsibility. If I’m lucky, I get one night a month. Some of my friends don’t get this.

EOW does not balance things up. It might create some breathing space, or an opportunity to fall apart when the DCs aren’t around to see it.

I’m lucky because I get maintenance.

Having help and support doesn’t make it an easier job, doesn’t lessen the sole responsibility. I am staunchly Independent, I find it difficult to ask for help because there is only XH who is invested in them emotionally, and he’s proved time and time again to not be reliable.

Regardless, the buck stops with us as the resident parents and that’s a huge responsibility.

True Peaches.

I remember when XH was H and he said ‘I’ve done my bit for today’. Twat.

Once a parent, you are NEVER done!

I'm a widow with a 3 year old son. This past year since DH died has been a massive struggle. I did actually have someone tell me in the early days that they know how I feel as their DH works away

teaches I have my own little private channel on YouTube where I upload videos of my two playing or singing songs or whatever. They love looking at videos of themselves as little ones and it keeps it all live for me.

There is a funny side to my life. Compared to my previous life, my most self indulgent moments come between 9.30 & 11pm when Ds is in bed and I can soak in the bath and then crawl into bed with a paperback.
I’m so tired I don’t even mind.

At least I don’t have trouble sleeping

NoArmaniNoPunani so sorry about your DH. Big hug to you.

Hi everyone,

Divorced mum here with two teenagers, their father is a total twat who makes life very difficult for me, I have no family around for support and so we just get on with it I suppose.

BUT, I am soooo tired. I juggle things all day, every day. I can relate to almost every post here as I just get it. I have had meltdowns over the most trivial things, shouted at the dc for no reason, but just out of sheer frustration at times. And every time I take a deep breath, go and sit down and have a chat and I am open to letting them now that some days are just so overwhelming. And because they know this, its formed the most amazing bond between us as we are all in together.

In the last 2 weeks I had 3, yes THREE different water disasters, think burst pipes that flooded rooms, ceiling came down due to horrific storm etc etc. I have been dealing with insurance assessors, building contractors, the mess its caused (oh god the mess, just that can make me cry) but the worst of it is, I have nobody to run that stuff by. Are they doing it right, is what they are saying right, are they dodgy builders etc etc. But we will get there and I will have learned a good lesson on roof tiles, and discovered that I need a new ladder

I am more skilled in psychology too now, as not only is the day to day things to think of, but also my dc mental state as a result of things that have happened with their father. That alone is a huge thing, to support them, be there for them, but also to not have a complete rant and rave in front of them every time he pulls some new move. Those things I have to deal with alone, very alone.

I must be honest and say i am not a fan of the term single mother, and its not something I ever say. I do think that it gets used to gain advantage sometimes, which does annoy me. For example, a lady was at a school event and was selling Avon. She was doing the hard sell, and when I said no thanks she said to me, please buy something I am a single mother just trying to survive. To which I replied that I know how that feels so I cannot splurge on make up and body lotion. But her mum and dad with with her, so I felt a little annoyed as it would seem she has some help, but playing the single mother card.

Some of my (ex) friends just dont have a bloody clue either. They know I am a big softy so if my dc are going anywhere they werent too shy to ask for me to collect their dc too, oh while you are at it, could they sleep over at mine as they havent had a date night together in xyz time. And the sad thing is, that I DID IT!

But during this time, that in some days I do not know if I am coming or going, I have the most amazing relationship with my dc, learnt how to say no, grew a pair and started seeing i was being taken advantage of (this took a while i admit), and of course learnt the hugest amount of diy.

But I am tired. I think the word is weary more so. If a fairy came along and offered to do all the crappy bits I really wouldnt refuse the offer.

So happy to have found you all.

Regardless, the buck stops with us as the resident parents and that’s a huge responsibility.

Agree with this 100%. My twattish ex has the boys EOW and pays maintenance so I guess I'm 'lucky' in that respect; however time and time again he's proved he really doesn't give a shit about what's best for them. I have to make all the day to day decisions about them on my own.

I hate all this competitive misery that invariably comes out...single parents competing to see who has is hardest rather than supporting and commiserating with each other.

I think we are all pretty amazing as well, I agree that believing some single parents have it in some ways easier than others is in no way useful and also not true.

You can't judge anyone else's situation, you never really know what challenges other people are going through.

Let’s not fight amongst each other. I think we’re probably all in agreement that single parenting is tough enough without extra aggro.

My kids dad is not British and lives overseas (eu). Sometimes I think it would be great if he was in the same country so I could have s day ‘off’ and he could help pick up the slack in an emergency (I’ve no family who can help out) but the down side is that you have to deal with the fuckers more often and they’re exes for a reason aren’t they. My ex has made me cry this afternoon. So thankful right now he’s not in the same country!

I’m also amazed by the resilience I’ve read on this thread and loving all the new skills people have learned.
In the last 12 months I’ve used an electric sander for the first time, rewired a plug, learned how to light a fire, taught ds how to mow the lawn (after I learned myself) & deal with the Xmas tree. They’re not big things but I’m really proud of myself.

Now need those YouTube videos about fixing the washing machine - it’s still working but there’s water coming out the bottom

I was just starting to think that we were a right bunch of moaners but to read posts saying that people have read this and are happy to realise that they are not the only ones going through it, and that it has helped them, makes it a valuable thread.

At one point DC was the only one in their class from a SP family, but that has changed over the past couple of years. I don't have any SP friends though, which means that I can often get lonely at the weekends when everyone is busy. I don't get lonely during the week as I don't have time!

It's nice to see some dad's on here too, because invariably most people think SP = SM not SD.

I found a brilliant odd job man who does stuff cheap and it's turned my life around! All the little things that were mounting up, I made a list and he came round and did them in one go, pictures on the wall, notice board in the office, curtain pole up still doesn't have any curtains on it, new letterbox, keysafe on the wall outside so DC can let themselves in if I am running late. He has been a godsend.

My fence fell down in the wind before Christmas, so he is lined up to fix that, in the meantime the gate is lying on the ground.

I get a shopping delivery every week as I don't time or inclination to shop at the weekend. The housework suffers the most, but nobody ever died from a bit of dust.

XH was a foot taller than me. First thing I did after he left was buy a small stepladder

I hear you all . It’s quite relentless - even just realising that you’ve run out of cheese , milk etc and you have to go yourself at nearly midnight . Happened to me yesterday exhausted at Tesco at 11.40pm in pjs under my coat . I actually wanted to cry in the car park

I'm a single mum to two young children and work nearly full time. I think you have to be organised, especially if you have no family to help (as in my case). But I'm happy and really enjoy my life with my dc. I don't like it when people feel sorry for me, I'm strong and not a victim.

I've been a single mum to three since last May, though this isn't my first time as I brought my oldest up on my own till she was 5, she's now 14, I've found things really different with 3 and now that I've had that help

I never think anything of being a SP, and then someone (who isn’t a SP) will say something ‘sympathetically’ and suddenly I become very aware of it 🤔

Most of all, I’m incredibly proud of myself.

We need to say it, outloud, more often.

My daughter is only 7 weeks old. Her dad left while I was pregnant and the only family I've got in the country is my dad, who lives a fair way away and isn't healthy and has visited once. I've got a dog who needs two hours walk a day to be bearable, no car, no friends nearby. It's so hard.
I love her, and I waited a very long time for her, and it would be horrible without her. I would really like a bath though. Or someone to make me a cup of tea.